Thank you Albert :-)

"Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction." 

Albert Einstein

What to tell the children if there is no contact with the grandparents?

When there is no contact with the grandparents...


We went sort of no contact with the in-laws after the MIL ignored me completely during two visits last year. I say sort of because my husband doesn't want to see it this way. After her extremely rude behaviour to me, which resulted from my husband setting some simple boundaries with her, my husband called her and addressed her behaviour, she first excused it, then said that it was just the way she was and he needed to accept that and then hung up on him (start December). We agreed that my husband wouldn't call her back and that the ball was in her court now, she needed to apologise and make an effort to right the wrongs she had done. She never called, until the 3rd of January, FIL called my husband at his work and wished him a Happy New Year, then MIL sneaked on the phone, the conversation lasted 25 seconds. My husband was in tears when he told me of the phone call. They didn't address the situation, ignored everything and hung up. Now with my daughter's birthday approaching I expected trouble, and yes there it was, the MIL called last week to ask if they were allowed to send presents for our daughter, behaving very emotional, asking if we wouldn't leave the presents on the doorstep (boohoo...). My husband then said to her he needed to discuss this with me (in my opinion telling her that he was ok with it but he needed to ask me).  Ugh. Well I said to my husband, text her (we have a no-calling-the-MIL agreement) and tell her it is up to her, we are not going to be lured to say yes or no. My husband then said to me he had texted his father. Now more than a week later it comes out that he has texted his father that it was ok for them to send presents, that we won't leave them on the doorstep and that 'you can come and bring them'. So he even invites them! He told me that his father would understand he only invited him, well I doubt it. Then FIL emailed him that the present was mailed but that unfortunately due to being very busy with his work it was impossible to come (too busy...).  I was stupefied and felt really betrayed by my husband doing all this behind my back. Apparently he pretends to understand me for a while but when push comes to shove he falls for the same trick over and over again. He told me, well if they want to do something nice for the children, who am I to stop them... Giving way to the MIL to play her favourite game: divide and conquer. In my opinion telling her, it is ok for you to ignore my wife as long as you're nice to the children, you can even have access to them. So we had a nice few days after this discovery, I can tell you. Anyway I got it back together and the present will not be given to our daughter, still contemplating what to do with it. I think I will store it in the attic til I know, there's no rush.

I found the following excerpt, taken from an excellent article written by Renee Pittelli, which pretty much says how I feel about the whole situation:

http://www.luke173ministries.org/466829:
No “outsider” should be permitted the right or the power to intrude into a family unit of parents and children and cause any kind of conflict or conflicted loyalties, tension, confusion, disharmony, or upset. No one has “rights” to a child who isn’t theirs. Many abusers don’t really love the grandkids, but are simply using them to punish or get at their victim. If she truly wants her grandkids in her life, the abuser can always start by apologising to their mother for the abuse, and by treating her with love and respect from then on. The reality is that if you truly want a good relationship with someone else’s children, then you need to be prepared to also have a good relationship with their parents, and to do whatever it takes to relate to the child’s immediate family as a whole and in a positive manner.

I talked with a coach and he said (when I said I didn't want to be dishonest with my children about the whole situation), tell it to your children in an age-appropriate way that they won't be seeing grandparents anytime soon because they have been mean to mom and dad. Tell them, we don't allow people to treat us like this and we don't allow them in our house (or will be going there) until they apologise and show for a longer period of time that their behaviour has changed. So I have a pretty good idea of what to tell our children, and will keep it really simple. I only have to think about when to tell them (preferentially with my husband there but if he refuses I will do it on my own), I don't want anymore attention to the grandparents at the moment so I'll leave it for a while, there's no rush here either. If they ask about the grandparents, I'll tell them why.