Shifting from defensive power to non-defensive power

I heard a few times that I responded defensively which was logical since I was attacked but this was not leading to any improvement for myself or the situation I'm in. I knew I had to work on this and find a solution to overstep the defensiveness and communicate in another way without feeling I had to resort to one of the other inadequate ways of coping such as appeasing, ignoring, forgiving etc.. I also knew that it was really important for myself to set healthy boundaries, but the 'how to' was something I could really use some sound help with because I want it to be constructive and helpful for the long term.

When I searched for non-defensive communication I came across the website of Sharon Strand Ellison: Institute for Powerful Non-Defensive Communication Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

It was really interesting to read and I decided to order her book: 'Taking the war out of the words' (Table of contents). I'm really excited to start reading the book as soon as I receive it. From all the reviews I read and the information on the website it sounds as a really useful book with lots of examples. And I need examples!

In the meantime I have read the book and it is a great guide to non-defensive communication, if you find that you're defending yourself a lot when communicating with others and don't know how to break this cycle, here's you're guide!



Want to get an idea of the non-defensive communication style? In the following videos Sharon Ellison explains shifting from defensive power to non-defensive power:



Making powerful statements without having to convince anyone to agree:



Setting limits that work:



Check youtube for her other videos.

Stress and coping skills

The following can serve to identify any negative coping skills you are using to deal with stress. You can start dealing with stress in a more constructive positive way by replacing negative coping skills with positive coping skills and you can use this list to reference to in times when stress gets high to ensure you make your life better by doing good things for yourself. The text is adapted from Stress coping skills

Negative Coping Skills

• Alcohol (Drink to change your mood. Use alcohol as your friend)
• Denial (Pretend nothing is wrong. Lie. Ignore the problem)
• Drug Use (Abuse coffee/aspirin/medications.)
• Fault finding (Have a judgmental attitude. Complain. Criticize.)
• Illness (Develop headaches/nervous stomach/major illness. Become accident-prone.)
• Indulging (Stay up late, sleep in. Buy on impulse. Waste time.)
• Passivity (Hope it gets better. Procrastinate. Wait for lucky break)
• Revenge (Get even. Be sarcastic. Talk mean)
• Stubbornness (Be rigid. Demand your way. Refuse to be wrong.)
• Tantrums (Yell, mope, pout, swear. Drive recklessly)
• Food (Binging. Go on a diet. Use food to console yourself.)
• Smoking (Smoke to relieve tension.)
• Withdraw (Avoid the situation. Skip school or work. Keep feelings to self.)
• Worrying (Fret over things. Imagine the worse)

Positive Coping Skills

Diversions:

• Breathing (Breathing is the easiest to learn and provides the fastest results!)
• Getaways (Spend time alone. See a movie. Daydream.)
• Hobbies (Write. Paint. Remodel. Create something.)
• Learning (Take a class. Read. Join a club.)
• Music (Play a instrument. Sing. Listen to your stereo.)
• Play (play a game. Goof off. Go out with friends.)
• Work (Tackle a new project. Keep busy. Volunteer.)
• Laughing
• Hugs
• Pets 

Family:

• Balancing (Balance time at work and home. Accept the good and the bad.)
• Conflict Resolution (Look for win/win solutions.)
• Esteem Building ( Build good Family feelings. Focus on personal strengths.)
• Flexibility ( Take on a new Family roles. Stay open to change.)
• Networking (Developing friendships with other families. Make use of the community resources.)
• Togetherness (Take time to be together. Build family traditions. Express affection.)

Body:
Along with improving your ability to relax, you must assess diet and other strains on your body.

• Exercise (Pursue physical fitness, job, swim, dance, or walk. Aerobic exercise can reduce anxiety up to 50%)
• Good nutrition (a well balanced diet will improve your ability to appropriately respond to stress.)
• Sleep (Get an adequate amount of rest each night.)
• Caffeine (Reducing caffeine intake will help you manage your anxiety. 2 ½ cups of coffee doubles the epinephrine level).

Interpersonal:

• Affirmation (Believe in yourself. Trust others. Give compliments.)
• Assertiveness (State your needs and wants. Say "no" respectfully.)
• Contact (Make new friends. Touch. Really listen to others.)
• Limits (Accept other's boundaries. Drop some involvement.)
• Linking (Share problems with others. Ask for support from family and friends.)

Mental:

• Imagination (Look for the humor. Anticipate the future.)
• Life planning (set clear goals. Plan for the future.)
• Organizing (Take charge. Make order. Don't let things pile up.)
• Problem Solving (Solve it yourself. Seek outside help. Tackle problems.)
• Relabeling (Change perspectives. Look for good in a bad situation.)
• Time Management ( Focus on top priorities. Work smarter.)

Physical:

• Biofeedback (Listen to your body. Know your physical limitations.) 
• Exercise (Pursue physical fitness. Jog, swim, dance, or walk.)
• Nourishment (Eat for health. Limit the use alcohol.)
• Relaxation (Tense and relax each muscles. Take a warm bath. breath deeply.)
• Self-Care (Energize your work and play. Strive for self-improvement.)
• Stretching (take short stretch breaks through out your day.)

Spiritual:

• Commitment (Take up a worthy cause. Say "yes." Invest yourself meaningfully.
• Faith (Find purpose and meaning.) 
• Be grateful (Write down 5 things every day for which you are grateful).
• Surrender (Let go of problems. Learn to live with situations. Start meditating.)
• Valuing (Set priorities. Be consistent. Spend time and energy wisely).

The above are techniques that are reliable stress relievers without the negative side effects. These skills can be used over and over again for a variety of stressful situations.