After a horrendous Christmas vacation in 2011. DH didn't mention his parents and I didn't either. I wanted him to mention it himself if he wanted us to do something with them for Christmas. I in the meantime arranged to make a Christmas dinner for my grandmother at her home. DH was really mad, however he didn't arrange anything. He called his mother after Christmas and she mentioned they were alone and bored. That was enough for my husband to ignore me for 5 days. I asked my husband during these days if something was the matter, he said nothing was wrong. So he played a game with me, he was in fact giving me the silent treatment and was fogging me all along. After a few days I was at my wits' end. I felt desperate and very lonely. I screamed at my husband that I was done with it. I was not going to live like this anymore, with him treating me that way. He got what he wanted, he was satisfied that I blew up. He had punished me for my 'misbehaviour'.
I was fuming for about two weeks and then in January I started looking for specific help with in-laws, I ended up finding a book and then a forum. This forum has greatly helped me, it helped me realise I wasn't the only one dealing with such crazy in-laws. And not the only one with a husband that tolerated almost anything and remained in the role of a little child when it came to his parents. An otherwise capable man, having a good job, a great father and responsible. There was a blame game going on which was directed at me. You're too sensitive. You're an adult you should know how to deal with people you don't get along with. I never had problems with my parents. You're a troublemaker. My mother has a problem with you, so you should work it out with her, I don't want to be in the middle. And much more. Posting on the forum and reading the stories of others gave me a much needed confirmation that I wasn't the crazy one. In dealing with crazy people normal people sometimes start doubting their own sanity, that what I was at the verge of doing anyway. I had been dealing with a crazy sociopath for about 15 years.
It was time for a change. I wasn't going to let this crazy, mean, nasty, vile woman rule my world or that of my children. I told my husband it was time for a change. I wasn't going to accept the behaviour and intrusion of the MIL anymore. I found the book Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward and started reading. This book was what I needed, I got a lot of validation for my feelings and for what I had been dealing with. Much needed, because no one should deal with such problems on their own. Isolation is always in favour of the abuser. I would recommend this book to anyone. When my husband first saw the book, he wasn't too happy. He called it a rubbish book (he found the title really provocative and took offense), anyway he ended up reading the book and now calls it a great book. It probably has helped him too, seeing that he is not the only one with a mother like his.
The book was a starting point for me to convince my husband we needed to set boundaries. He started with telling his mother she needed to buy the presents for our children and not expect him to do it instead of her. This was a game she played every year, and oh glory when she succeeded in convincing him to buy the presents. I always prevented it but that didn't matter to her, she just wanted to show she could pull the strings if she wanted to. So she wasn't too happy when she didn't succeed this time, not even when she told him, 'so you don't care about me'. The next thing was, no more phone calls during our holidays. When we went on a vacation, my husband was obliged to call her every few days and leave all the details of the places we stayed such a s phone number and address. Everything under the guise of, what if something terrible happens (or I'll die of a heart-attack when I don't know exactly where you are), we need to be able to reach you, however texting was out of the question. So this year my husband told her that in the case of an emergency she could text us. She argued of course that she couldn't text, but we had been role playing and my husband had an answer to everything she tried to get him to allow her to call or to get him in his old role. After our summer vacation my husband called her and asked her to stop talking about death and dying in my presence because that was hurtful to me. [My mother had died 2 years before after being diagnosed terminally 9 months before. Since then (and while my mother was ill too) the MIL found it entertaining to talk to me about how she was very preoccupied with death and dying, how she suffered, how we had no idea what is was dealing with that, wait til we had her age, we had no idea]. She cold-bloodedly responded to my husband how she couldn't imagine why that would be hurtful to me in any way. (They never even gave their condolences).
The MIL got more and more furious ending in her completely ignoring me when we visited them in September after our vacation. I told my husband, I found this unacceptable. We started talking about what if she ignores me when they come here. My husband told me that he would address this if it happened. So they visited us in December and the MIL ignored me completely when she walked through the doorway, she elaborately greeted my husband, walked past me and then greeted our children in an extremely exaggerated way. My husband looked at me and wanted to confront her. I didn't want a scene in front of our children, so after an excruciating visit (she really was gloating she had pulled it off, or so she thought) they went home. Next evening my husband called her and told her he wanted to talk about her ignoring me. She started excusing and justifying what she did. When that didn't work she plainly told him that he had to accept her as she is, she did what she did and that was it. My husband told her that there wouldn't be that much of a problem if she would behave in a civil way to her DILs, then she hung up and began the silent treatment. Her goal was of course that my husband would be very sorry for his outrageous behaviour of standing up for me and would call her to make amends.
My husband and I agreed that she needed to make amends and that she was the one that needed to initiate contact this time.
Hello J,
ReplyDeleteJust got to reading your two most recent posts. Wanted to comment on this one first. Please excuse me in advance because I am going to write out
some of the angry feelings I just got in response to how your MIL treated
you...
Okay, I simply cannot imagine how you are getting through all of
this considering you lost your own mother in a very sudden span
of time. I am incredibly angry at how your MIL treated you during the
time your own mother was ill. This is absolutely inexcusable. I cannot
*believe* they never gave their condolences about your mother.
I_cannot_believe_that. This is seriously one of the most intentionally
cold-hearted things I have heard in a long time.
If I were you, I would cut your in-laws out of your life and your
children's lives for good because it seems they are in the habit
of 'kicking people when they are down'. Only monsters torment
their daughter in law when she is losing her own mother. That
is a monstrous thing to do. That is unforgivable.
This reminds me a little of how my in-laws reacted when my
BIL's fiancee lost her mother. BIL is now married. Unfortunately,
SIL is a lot like MIL. They are peas on a pod. More on that another
time. But, the point is, whether or not SIL is highly dysfunctional or
not, I extended myself to her and her family during the time her
mother was in hospice. I didn't do it to make myself look good
or to make myself look like a saint. I did it because it is the thing
anyone with an ounce of empathy would do naturally. I could
only imagine how she felt and so I sent quietly supportive
messages, had food delivered to their home, flowers etc, to
make things easier. I did not expect anything in return. It was
just the thing that I normally do when people are hurting. More
about SIL. SIL's mom has been battling cancer for about 14
years but had been in remission for a long time. The cancer
returned and this time it acted quickly which was extremely
unfortunate. During that time SIL's mom was passing away,
MIL actually kind of gloated because she realized that there
would be no competition from another mother when SIL
had children of her own. MIL would call BIL and SIL and discuss
how she could move in with them to be a full time nanny one
day. When SIL's mother passed on, FIL and MIL didn't attend the
funeral because they didn't want to send their dog to a boarding
facility for the day. They said it would be too traumatic for the dog.
DH and I were not invited to the funeral since it was about
2,000 miles away and we had never met SIL's mom or anyone
else on that side. It was a small family gathering, which was fine.
The family sat for 7 days for the traditional period of grief. I
had gourmet kosher food sent in gift baskets to them daily
as this is the tradition. Also had flowers and other things sent.
My husband told me that his parents told him all we should do is
send an email, but I found that very crass and I simply honored
SIL's loss the way I would like to be honored if I were in the same
situation. I think this got under my own IL's skin because it
made them look bad-- though this was NOT the intent. They have
trouble imaging that there are people out there who actually
think about the well-being of others, who do the right thing,
and who don't expect anything in return.
Anyhow, when I read about how your MIL treated you during that
time, I got that old familiar ache in the pit of my stomach. All
I can say is, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that you had to deal with
your MIL during such a stressful and heart-wrenching time.
I just hope and pray you have a group of friends in your
town who rally around you and serve as a support during these
times. J, you need to be protected from your MIL. She sounds like
she is a very hurtful person and she sounds like she does it
intentionally. She sounds like she enjoys hurting others.
Again, I am so sorry and I admire your bravery for
keeping going.
Yes that is enough reason to never see this woman again. She does enjoy to hurt me (and everyone else). And she moves in with great force when people are down or weakened, she makes conscious use of this, I have noticed. I think that is evil.
ReplyDeleteI remember one time they visited us while my mother was ill (which was a devastating time for me), she started talking to me. She told me that 'they were dying by the dozen', she was told stories by clients in her store of people that were terminally ill and had only a few months left, one after the other. She told me this was so hard on her (she didn't even know these people), she suffered so much. It dawned on me she wanted to provoke me, she wanted to set up a competition for 'who suffered the most'. I was shocked to my core. What really stayed with me was that I noticed how she was sharply observing my face for how her words affected me. She was staring at me, entertaining herself with how she had caught me and how she was toying with my emotions while I was lost for words, she was gloating.
I didn't want to talk about my mother with her in the first place, I don't talk with people I don't trust about such intimate, private and overwhelming emotions.
J,
DeleteWow, this is heartbreaking to read. Cannot imagine how you must have felt when she was doing that. Your MIL did
a horrible thing-- simply horrible. It is absolutely apparent that she was intentionally trying to upset you with her
words. It is more of this 'kicking people while they are down' behavior that shows the heart of a sadist.
Why *anyone* would want to hurt another person (or animal) is beyond me. There must be some kind of circuitry broken
in their minds to be able to do this. It seems normal people have a natural empathy where they feel another person's pain
as their own. Heck, most normal people even feel a sharp empathetic response when their pet is in pain. After our dog
passed away, an opportunity to rescue a beautiful king charles spaniel that was being abused came across my path.
I offered the folks cash just to hand over the dog. I could literally feel the dog had been abused and I could feel his
sadness. He was eating in a strange way and was very thin so I took him to the vet. The vet did an exam and x-ray and
found the dog's lower jaw was split in two. The vet said it was consistent with someone kicking the lower jaw from below
to get a dog to stop barking. Also found irreversible damage to the dog's mouth. Yesterday the dog got a wire in his jaw
to knit it back together. We are going to work around the rest of the issue with his mouth-- it'll mean he just has to
have soft food. I cannot tell you how angry I have been over this and also how absolutely sad. Once again, I keep
asking "why?" Why does another person get pleasure out of hurting another living being? It doesn't add up. I am
getting to the point where I would classify sadists and socio-paths as NON human. The thing that makes us human
is the ability to empathize with others and to reach out in love to comfort those in pain. Somewhere in the mind
of the sadist and the sociopath, this mechanism gets broken-- or maybe they are born that way. Who knows.
It sounds like your MIL is definitely a sadist, definitely a narcissist. Would say she is either a malignant narcissist
or a sociopath. The two overlap in many areas so maybe she is both. Who knows.
What I do know is this: what she did to you in regards to your mom is unforgivable. This is enough to stay away
for good. And it's not even about your MIL being offensive and not 'minding her manners'. Some people who don't
understand people like your MIL might write off her behavior as simply a result of having bad social etiquette.
Social awkwardness. (I have heard that excuse thrown around for ages...) But, what your MIL did was clearly
intended to inflict harm. Also, it was a very sadistic thing to do. It is one of the worst things someone could do
to another. This was a circumstance where you needed safe and loving people rallying around you. You were
emotionally exposed. Your MIL came onto the scene like some predatory animal and tried to 'devour' you
emotionally when you were in a very vulnerable place. That is UNFORGIVABLE.
Your MIL has shown how far she is willing to go and she is not someone you can have in your life
on even a 'casual basis'. We cannot have scorpions or poisonous snakes in our lives on a 'casual basis'
unless we are willing to take the risk of being bit or stung to death. Your MIL is like the emotional
version of a scorpion. I say, apology or not, stay away. Your MIL is going to need to undergo some
kind of therapy that lasts several months (but probably more like several years). She can apologize
but she will still continue being a scorpion. That is my opinion.
Thanks Sarah for writing this, I need the support. The crazy thing is that no one there (FIL and husband) seemed to hear it when it was going on. She exactly knows when and how to say things. That in it itself gives away the premeditation of it.
DeleteI'm reading the sociopath next door by Martha Stout at the moment. It is interesting to read, one thing that was particularly interesting was that she had noticed that most if not all sociopaths had in common that they want to be pitied. Because to be pitied by good people gives them sort of carte blanche to get away with everything.
Oh and about the condolences, I really didn't want her on the phone or saying something to me. I didn't want her to talk to me. I think I wouldn't have appreciated a card either. I only mentioned it because it illustrates how there isn't any kind of relationship whatsoever. We are way past any formalities. The grief was so deep, I didn't want any insincerity around.
ReplyDeleteThere was a time she called me for my birthday, she didn't congratulate me however, it was more like she gave her condolences, that was how her voice sounded. I then thanked her and asked her if she wanted DH on the phone again (she always called on his cell phone)but before I could finish the sentence she had hung up on me. This happened two times, the third time I was (luckily) on the phone with a friend. So next year she decided to not call me again. She could have simply done something else to start with like sending a card, but then she would have done something that seemed nice and she doesn't want to do that. On the phone she could pretend to congratulate me but turn her voice so the message would be the opposite. I don't even know if they congratulate my husband, probably they call him at work. She now sends cards to our children for their birthdays. And for Christmas a card that only has their names on it. Since about two years my FIL has an email account and he congratulates me with my birthday from the both of them.
Well, I guess it is best not to hear from her in that case. Hearing from her may have done more emotional harm
Deletethan good.
" Only monsters torment their daughter in law when she is losing her own mother. That is a monstrous thing to do. That is unforgivable."
ReplyDeleteI agree with this, and I feel this is unforgivable. A bridge was crossed here, that shouldn't have been crossed.