When your mother in-law (or father in-law) is a bully/ narcissist/ nasty person you're likely to spot the following behaviour:
(written by Tim Field, http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm)
When called to account for the way they have chosen to behave, the bully instinctively exhibits this recognisable behavioural response:
a) Denial: the bully denies everything. Variations include Trivialization ("This is so trivial it's not worth talking about...") and the Fresh Start tactic ("I don't know why you're so intent on dwelling on the past" and "Look, what's past is past, I'll overlook your behaviour and we'll start afresh") - this is an abdication of responsibility by the bully and an attempt to divert and distract attention by using false conciliation. Imagine if this line of defence were available to all criminals ("Look I know I've just murdered 12 people but that's all in the past, we can't change the past, let's put it behind us, concentrate on the future so we can all get on with our lives" - this would do wonders for prison overcrowding).
b) Retaliation: the bully counterattacks. The bully quickly and seamlessly follows the denial with an aggressive counter-attack of counter-criticism or counter-allegation, often based on distortion or fabrication. Lying, deception, duplicity, hypocrisy and blame are the hallmarks of this stage. The purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for their behaviour. Often the target is tempted - or coerced - into giving another long explanation to prove the bully's allegation false; by the time the explanation is complete, everybody has forgotten the original question.
Both a) and b) are delivered with aggression in the guise of assertiveness; in fact there is no assertiveness (which is about recognising and respecting the rights of oneself and others) at all. Note that explanation - of the original question - is conspicuous by its absence.
c) Feigning victimhood: in the unlikely event of denial and counter-attack being insufficient, the bully feigns victimhood or feigns persecution by manipulating people through their emotions, especially guilt. This commonly takes the form of bursting into tears, which most people cannot handle. Variations include indulgent self-pity, feigning indignation, pretending to be "devastated", claiming they're the one being bullied or harassed, claiming to be "deeply offended", melodrama, martyrdom ("If it wasn't for me...") and a poor-me drama ("You don't know how hard it is for me ... blah blah blah ..." and "I'm the one who always has to...", "You think you're having a hard time ...", "I'm the one being bullied..."). Other tactics include manipulating people's perceptions to portray themselves as the injured party and the target as the villain of the piece. Or presenting as a false victim. Sometimes the bully will suddenly claim to be suffering "stress" and go off on long-term sick leave, although no-one can quite establish why. Alleged ill-health can also be a useful vehicle for gaining attention and sympathy. For suggestions on how to counter this see the advice on the FAQ page.
By using this response, the bully is able to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for what they have said or done. It is a pattern of behaviour learnt by about the age of 3; most children learn or are taught to grow out of this, but some are not and by adulthood, this avoidance technique has been practised to perfection.
A further advantage of the denial/counter-attack/feigning victimhood strategy is that it acts as a provocation. The target, who may have taken months to reach this stage, sees their tormentor getting away with it and is provoked into an angry and emotional outburst after which the bully says simply "There, I told you s/he was like that". Anger is one of the mechanisms by which bullies (and all abusers) control their targets. By tapping in to and obtaining an inappropriate release of pent-up anger the bully plays their master stroke and casts their victim as villain.
Some books with tips on how to deal with bullies:
J,
ReplyDeleteLove this post.
What's interesting, but not surprising, is these tactics read like some
kind of script that my MIL secretly hides in her pocket, only to be
pulled out when someone attempts to confront her.
It's sad that these tactics have worked on my DH. He said after he went
to university and then during his 20's, he would confront his mom
each time she crossed the line-- which was quite often. Each time though,
his mom would use these tactics until he was too fatigued to continue.
So, he has assumed confronting her is a lost cause because she had
the stamina to argue longer than he did. Then, my husband's dad was
always in tow chastising my husband for confronting his mom. His dad
does this because she goes and makes her husband's life miserable
until he calls my husband and yells at him until my husband apologizes.
Nice, huh?
Yes I found this a while ago and thought it would be a helpful tool to see through the tactics of a bully when confronted.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, as in the case of your husband, it is of no use to confront them. They love that. Then they can have a discussion. They want a discussion, they love a discussion, imagine all the attention. So I don't think it is a good tactic, and your husband has experienced that it is exhausting. To them it is only a game of being right, getting attention and the control that comes with it.
I think the only approach that is of use is setting boundaries and reinforcing those boundaries. And boundaries are of course not up for discussion.
Still think your FIL is a poor helpless victim ;-)?
Part 2:
ReplyDelete(By the way, the post got too long so I broke it into two parts. Did you get part 1? The website was chugging away
when I submitted it and it may have timed-out)
About 3 years into my marriage, FIL's mom had a sudden onset of leukemia and found out chemo wasn't worth it.
She was not around for very long. I started talking to my husband about attending the grandmother's funeral so
that we could support FIL. When FIL's mom died, my husband called FIL and said we would like to make a trip to
attend the funeral and to support him. FIL told my husband not to come. My husband asked why and FIL said that
MIL had forbid my husband and/or myself attending FIL's mom's funeral. She said she would consider
it a personal affront against her. Then MIL called husband's little brother and told him he was forbidden as well.
MIL assured that she would accompany FIL to the funeral but forbid anyone else. Of course, an hour before the
funeral, MIL got into a (staged) fight with FIL and did not attend the funeral. FIL called my husband afterwards despondent.
FIL was there alone with none of his children (or wife) there to sit by huis side. Meanwhile, FIL has an older brother
in the same city and FIL's brother had children and many grandchildren. So, FIL's brother's wife, children, grandchildren,
friends, and extended family was there to support FIL's brother. Meanwhile, FIL sat alone.
Seriously, when I heard this story I was like, "WTF??!!!!"
I mean-- WHY would FIL allow MIL to do this?
This is just plain crazy...
ReplyDeleteOops. Looks like part 1 of that post didn't go through. Will need to retype it.
ReplyDeleteHmmm... don't know why the first part of the post didn't come through. It ended up being too long so had to break it up.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say how horrified I was by the way your MIL treated you during the time your mom was ill. Your MILs behavior
is inexcusable. There is the sense that she was intentionally trying to hurt you and that she enjoyed every second of it. That
alone is not excusable, but add the fact that you were going through what might have been the hardest time in your life,
your MIL's behavior becomes BEYOND inexcusable. Was wondering what your MIL's intent was. Sure, on the surface it seems she
is just being a typical malignant narcissist and that is bad enough. But then something occurred to me about my own MIL since
our MILs seem to read the same 'how to be a dreadfully awful mother in law" handbook. In my own MIL's case, there have been
times when she has tried to add insult to injury when I am going through stressful times. At one point I realized my MIL was taking
those times as an opportunity to add on more stress with the intent of making me fall apart emotionally. Much to her chagrin,
that did not happen and the stressful times eventually passed with my dignity and strength in tact. But, still mad eme wonder
why she might want to cause me to fall apart. Was able to come up with several reasons. If I had fallen apart emotionally, MIL
probably thinks that she would be able to swoop in and raise my children. She could also use it as a time to 'better control' my
husband since I am the voice of opposition. Finally, she would then be able to go around and tell everyone that her son had
married someone who had gone off the deep end and she could stir up no end of trouble based on that. So, wonder if your MIL
also had a similar intention toward you during the time your MIL was ill. If your MIL is indeed a malignant narcissist, it could
be a possibility. Malignant narcissists seem to have no sense of humanity and they do not recognize the humanity in others.
It appears that they see others as objects through which to accomplish things the narcissist wants. So, thinking this type of
intent might be present may not be such a stretch. BUT, regardless-- what your MIL did was not excusable. That would be enough
to go no contact for good. There is no reason to put yourself into the path of someone who intentionally (and gleefully) hurts
others. SCARY. Just like no one in their right mind would ask you to hang out with a poisonous snake, you should not be expected
to hang around a malignant narcissist even if that person comes with the title of 'family member'.
PS, a Correction:
ReplyDeleteHere is the typo:
So, wonder if your MIL
also had a similar intention toward you during the time your MIL was ill.
Here is the correction:
So, wonder if your MIL also had a similar intention toward you during the time your OWN MOTHER was ill.
J, I am very sorry about that typo and I need to be a better proofreader. UGH.
By the way, still am reeling from the way your MIL treated you during that time. That level of cruelty makes a huge impression
since it is truly incomprehensible why someone would do that to another person. All I know is that if I had been in your shoes,
I don't know if I would have been able to stay strong during that time. I literally get a pit in my stomach just thinking about how
terrible and lonely that must have felt.
J, you are very brave and very strong indeed. Certainly admire you for not allowing your MIL to break your spirit during
that stressful and heartbreaking time. I am so sorry and just hope your husband appreciates the impact of his own mother's actions
and takes your side without hesitation.
You know what. I'm not the one that needs to be convinced, it is my husband. I would have never stayed in the vicinity of a person such as my MIL, let alone accept any of her behaviour. When I wouldn't have been married to my husband she would have had no influence whatsoever. She has used our relationship to get to me/us. Manipulators of course do that. They threaten to destroy what we hold dearest. Or at least cause continuous trouble. The MIL loves drama, she lives on it. That's why she is out of my life. They only way to get in is by apologising (sincerely) and changing her behaviour. She doesn't get acces with promises, she really has to show for a longer period of time that she has good intentions. Well, that's pretty much impossible for her.
ReplyDeleteJ,
ReplyDeleteA quick one. Found an interesting blog written by a retired therapist this evening. Was drawn to the blog because
she had a post that was written about older parents whose adult children do not want a relationship. Interesting to
see all the comments from types like our MILs and all of the demands they put on their adult children. One lady said that
a child's soul purpose in life was to honor parents and to honor them for the rest of the parents life. (Yahh,,,, uh huh...)
Anyhow, came across another post where the therapist talks about the types of people she cannot work well with
during therapy. At the top of her list was people who say 'that is just the way I am".
Here is a part of that post:
"That's just the way I am is often uttered by a spouse in marriage counseling. It communicates some unpromising sentiments such as "I don't love you enough to make an effort to change behavior that is contributing to our marital problems" or "I'm not changing for you -- so take me as I am or get out!" or "This is not MY problem. I don't have a problem with my behavior. You don't like it? Then you've got a problem."
This pronouncement signals a near certain immobility in therapeutic progress. The fact is, relationship problems are most often fueled by habits and miscommunication by both partners. For marriage therapy to work best, both partners need to be willing to make changes in the way they behave or react to each other's behavior. Both need to want the relationship to work enough to endure the temporary discomfort of changes in attitude, behavior or ways of thinking. Some stall out of fright, some out of anger and eventually come around to making some marriage-enhancing compromises. Those who take a stand and refuse to budge, however, are destined for rough times ahead -- either with conflicts recurring in an endless loop or with the loss of a partner who decides that he or she has had enough."
And here is the link to the full post:
http://drkathleenmccoy.blogspot.com/2012/01/psychological-immobility.html
That's the motto of the MIL. She doesn't want change, she wants control. That's all it is. She has no sense of humour either. The only thing that puts a smile on her face when she's gloating over the misery of others. Imagine a life like that. To me it would be hell. Thinking of ever being in a room with that woman again or what nasty plans she is maybe concocting lowers my energy instantly. I leave her at the dark side.
ReplyDeleteI think I should put my energy there where it belongs, my children, my relationship with my husband, my friends. I'm generally an optimist, I have many interests and curiousity keeps me alive. There are so many beautiful, fascinating, funny things out there. The weather is beautiful here, spring is in the air.
You said:
ReplyDelete"I think I should put my energy there where it belongs, my children, my relationship with my husband, my friends. I'm generally an optimist, I have many interests and curiousity keeps me alive. There are so many beautiful, fascinating, funny things out there. The weather is beautiful here, spring is in the air."
AMEN!!
And it is precisely people who are optimistic who have a very difficult time understanding and/or interacting with the
ones who are only happy when gloating over someone else's misery. When you said that about your MIL, it was ditto, ditto, ditto.
PS-
ReplyDeleteIsn't nature a wonderful healer? Walking through the forest, by the seaside, or just strolling down the boulevard and
looking at the trees that are bursting forth with new buds is a magical experience. Spring and fall are my two favorite
seasons. Well, each season is equally beautiful in different ways. But there is something naturally intoxicating about the
smell of fresh blooming spring flowers, and then equally so about the smells of fall, such as falling leaves, and the wood fires
burning in the fireplaces of distant homes. Time to let Mother Earth recharge our souls. So happy spring is here!!!!
My daughter's birthday is approaching and I expected some trouble. My husband just send me an email his mother called him at work this morning asking him if they were allowed to send presents. Bingo. My husband told her he was going to discuss this with me, hereby comitting to calling her back and give her a yes or no. He just should have said to her that he was not going to say anything and that it would be her decision. There she is pulling strings again.. Luring him back into a discussion and to call her, while we have agreed not to call her, that it is up to her to make apologies. And my husband immediately falls in the trap...
ReplyDeleteWow, I have sat here and read all these responses and I can say time doesn't change, as people do not change. My life with my MIL and SIL is at a point where the SIL isn't allowed to see our children, as after three strikes. Asking my husband her brother if our son was his. Not acknowledging her niece. Calling me a baby mother. Referring to my son as it/the other one. Well that's four strikes. MIL ganging up and refusing to visit then saying she wasn't welcome. The list goes on! My husband has now realized it wasn't me after 4 years and it only started because we didn't want to make my SIL a godmother to our son...go figure!!
ReplyDelete