Sunday 16 December 2012
1 My history with the in-laws: how it all started...
I would like to tell you about how it all started.
DH and I fell in love with each other. After dating for a few months, he told his parents about us.
His mother told him that she would like to meet me. I told DH that I wanted to wait for a while because we were only just together and I wanted to take it slow, not involving family until we got to know each other better. We were after all in the beginning of our relationship didn't know where it would go at that moment and I thought it was way to early to go and meet his family. This was not my first relationship and I didn't want to rush anything. I felt that when it was the appropriate time to meet the family we would meet them.
Fairly soon the drama started. His mother started calling frantically, screaming, yelling, crying. She told DH that this was not the way to deal with it. She demanded my presence at their house within two weeks and if I didn't show up I would never be welcome there again. She kept calling and calling, constantly pressuring him to take me with him on one of his visits. It really frightened and bewildered me. I had no idea what to do, except for one thing and that was that I wasn't going to give in to her demands.
One of those times she managed to get me on the phone. She asked me, 'and J., what do you think, could you manage to visit us this Sunday? Because J, we think that you should really come to our house this Sunday'. She turned her voice real sugar-like but it was dripping with venom. I was stupefied, I didn't know what to say. My insecurity really pleased her. She took her time and really enjoyed to hear me stumble. It was like a cat-and-mouse game to her.
Not very much later on a Sunday morning, we were both still students and not living together, his mother called him at 8.30 am and woke us up, telling him they were in town and wanted him to go with them to a museum (8.30 am!!). He told them he would take a shower and meet them at the museum. He went to take a shower and only two minutes later I heard the door bell ringing first in his room then at his neighbour's, I heard his neighbour say, 'ok, I'll open the door for you'. My heart started pounding, I realised it was them and they could be in his room within a minute. I rushed to get some clothes on and went downstairs to the shower. Through the glass door to the apartment I saw two people storming up the stairs and I luckily just missed them. I knocked on the door of the shower and told DH I thought his parents were in his room right now. I was shaking and my heart was racing because of all the adrenaline pumping through my body. I felt like an animal being hunted down. DH went upstairs to see them and managed to get them out the door.
His mother told him, 'Why is this woman hiding from me!'. She really felt like a hunter I guess. She had acted all innocent saying they hadn't realised I would be there until they saw my clothes... Of course I knew she had only done this to force a meeting with me, in fact to ambush me and catch me in a vulnerable state.
I was shocked by this event. I felt frightened, hunted down, unsafe and very angry.
(To be continued).
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Love love love this... well, not the story .. it's horrid. But love that you wrote it. :) Glad to visit your blog.
ReplyDeleteAhhhhhh!!!! Reading this I felt like screaming and could understand your feelings perfectly. D: Yuck yuck yuck. Yup been there, in your face early morning meetings- NOT the best impression but wow. This woman (your MIL) is crazy and wayyyy overstepping boundaries from your first meeting with her. Not normal in any way. I totally understand feeling like a hunted animal- to N's it's just a game of duck hunt!
Thanks Gracie :-). At the time I knew this was seriously wrong but I couldn't word it as well as I can now, I mean say exactly why it was wrong to act like that. What wasn't helpful either was that some people I told about this just couldn't imagine someone behaving like this or thought that there probably would be more to the story. How frustrating that was... Luckily that has changed.
DeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteThis is Sarah72 who posts comments at the covertabuse blog. Thanks for directing me to your site-- I can see that you are dealing with a clone of my MIL.
Okay, wow, that description of her coming to your DH's apartment to hunt you down actually got my own heart pounding. There is something SERIOUSLY wrong and evil about this woman. Wow. I am surprised you had the internal fortitude to do battle with that long enough to get married and then to stay married. I am hoping that we can share information on how to cope with our MILs while maintaining our own sanity and poise.
I have a couple of questions-- I see that you are writing in British English. Are you from one of the commonwealth countries? The reason I ask is because I am located in the US and am a US citizen, but I completed my first Master's degree in the United Kingdom. The other reason I ask is because I am wondering if you are dealing with some cross-cultural issues with your in-laws, since I think that is one of the contributing factors to my issue with my own. Or rather, even their culture doesn't sanction my MIL's behavior in any way, but she tends to use the 'cultural difference' to her advantage by saying or doing really outrageous things and then claiming that I mis-interpreted her actions.
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(Comment 2 of 4)
ReplyDeleteTo give some background on my situation: my DH and I have been married for 10 years and have two lovely sons-- one 8-years-old and one 4-years-old. My mother's side of the family is 'ethnically' Jewish from the Ukraine and Spain. But they have been in the United States for 5 generations and my mom converted to Christianity prior to meeting my dad. My dad is a WASP and his people have been here practically since the Mayflower. My husband's parents are :"ethnic" Ukrainian Jews that moved to Los Angeles when he was 6 years old. He was raised in Los Angeles and his parents have led a secular lifestyle. In fact, they have quite a cruel and antagonistic mouthful of mean things to say about Jews who believe in God or who practice the traditions.
Comment 3 of 4
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband was growing up, his mom was completely off the wall, just as she is to this day. His dad wasn't happy about this and got a job where he traveled for most of the year. Unfortunately, this left DH alone with a narcissist mom when he was growing up and she considered him to be her surrogate husband. (YUCK). Somehow or another his mom and dad conceived a little brother for DH who was born when DH was 13. Then she (MIL) let up on DH a little bit and focused all of her attention on his little brother who is in a worse-off situation than my DH. Little brother is now a 27-year-old man and newly married. Still, DH had to bear the brunt on his mom's bad behavior since he was more rebellious than his little brother. Rather, my DH would attempt to stand up to his narcissist mom (NM for short) and this would cause her to call him all kinds of names. DH was actually married once before. While he was in medical school, his mom gave him a detailed list of the type of girl he was supposed to marry. His narcissistic mom told him she wanted a DIL who 1) was a non-religious Ukrainian Jew who was the daughter of immigrants, and 2) a doctor or surgeon, and 3) beautiful, and must possess blue or green eyes, 4) educated at top universities, 5) would agree to speak to narcissist mom in Russian (even though NM spoke English fluently and had become a US citizen years ago), 6) Would allow NM to have a large part in grand-kid's lives. That was what NM told my DH he had to marry if he was ever to gain her approval. My guess is that with the outrageous requirements NM set on a future daughter in law, NM was thinking that my husband would never find such a girl in existence and that would prevent him from getting married.
(Comment 4 of 4)
ReplyDeleteWell, low and behold, much to narcissist mom's surprise, when my husband was in medical school, he met a female medical student who-- low and behold-- met every single one of narcissistic mom's requirements. At the time, my husband reports he was over-joyed because he finally met a woman he loved who his mom would welcome. So, what did he do? Gasp-- he proposed to the woman-- and BIG GASP-- she accepted. Now, from DH's point of view, everything was going smoothly because he erroneously believed that he could 1) actually please his mom and that 2) his mom actually wanted him to get married. So, DH was surprised when his NM started saying all kinds of horrible things about his bride to be. When that didn't work, NM created a family feud between the bride's parents and herself. Well, low and behold, the wedding went forward. But, narcissist mom was not done. My husband and his first wife got married under a traditional Jewish wedding tent and spent a good 150k on their wedding back in 1995. During one of the Rabbi's readings during the ceremony, my husband's mom pretended to have a heart attack. She started shrieking and then fainted in an effort to stall the wedding. Low and behold, when people wanted to call the paramedics, she got up off her feet and the ceremony continued and they actually got married. But, alas, it was not to last. My husband's mom inserted herself so much into the life of her son and new wife that the new wife left him less than 6 months after they were married and they literally never spoke during the divorce process. The wife and her family issued a no contact order that applied to DH and his parents and extended family. Now, I can tell you that my husband is not abusive and does not lay a hand on people so I can imagine that the ex-wife issued that no contact order so that the divorce could get expedited-- and it did.
So...fast forward to summer 2001... my husband, who I had yet to meet, decides leave California, to switch residencies and ends up in a residency close to where I was living.
(To be continued)
Hi Leah, Welcome here! I read your comment and felt I had to direct you to blogs that are dealing with narcissistic MILs (check the section 'Blogs I read', especially 'Confessions from the fog' and 'Open your eyes and see'). It's terrible when you think you're all alone dealing with crazy uncomprehensible abusive behaviour like this. OMG what a story you have written down. She's scary that MIL of yours, it sends chills up my spine. Check out the other sections like 'Characteristics of narcissistic mothers'. Looking forward to hearing more from you. Wishing you all the best, J.
DeleteI'm not dealing with cross-cultural differences, I do study at a UK university :-).
Delete'she tends to use the 'cultural difference' to her advantage by saying or doing really outrageous things and then claiming that I mis-interpreted her actions'.
I think this is a common characteristic of narcissists, you can substitute 'cultural difference' with whatever is of advantage to them.
Hi Leah, I'm interested to know where your husband stands in all of this. Is he supportive? Is he defending his mother, probably not from what I read above. How often do you see each other? Sorry, lot of questions. Looking forward to hearing the rest of your story! J.
DeleteHello J,
Delete(This is Sarah72-- Leah is my pen name on another blog that I maintain. Just an FYI).
My journey has been a very slow one considering we have been married for 10 years. When I first got married, I was under the false assumption that all people told the truth, especially when they were family members. I looked forward to having 'one happy big extended family' that included my husband, his parents, my parents, aunts and uncles etc. The fact that I looked forward was based on the assumption that everyone was good at heart and that very few people had evil motives or intentions. I lived by the belief that psychopaths were few and far between, and if they did exist, they were in jail.
Well, it took me many years to realize that all of those beliefs were false and that they put me at a disadvantage in terms of trying to understand another's motives within relationships.
Now I realize there are good people and there are bad people. Now I realize that I need to develop the intuition to recognize the bad people and to walk away. More importantly, I am absolutely bent on preserving and protecting the part of me that still remains innocent, wants to give love and kindness unconditionally, and wants to help those who are in need.
Being taken out of the 'land of the innocent' has created resentment in me towards myself for being so naive and trusting.
As for my husband being supportive-- yes, he is more supportive than he has ever been, but it has taken 10 years for him to get there. It seems logical that a part of him wants to cling to the belief that he has a 'good mother' and so he puts on blinders and filters in order to maintain that belief. That is human. I think that has been the largest barrier toward getting my husband to be supportive. In order to be supportive, he must realize that his mother's behavior has been intentional and malevolent. This realization is very painful for him. However, her behavior in the past several years has gotten worse and has been so extreme that his blinders have had to come off.
Later I will post more on how the mind games from my mother in law started--they are truly the stuff of novels and in this case the adage that 'truth is stranger than fiction' holds remarkably true.
Sarah
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi There,
ReplyDeleteThis is Sarah72 and I just read your 3.2 post! Eek!!
Hi Sarah, Have a look at post 3.3. When I wrote this down it reminded me of how exceptionally cruel my MIL has been to my husband. She witheld her love and punished her son for not putting her first while he became a first time father. It amazes me, I find it incomprehensible. How can you hear someone, look at someone, see somebody hurt and be so cruel. To take it to your advantage and let him suffer and take joy out of that. If you love your son, you don't behave like that. Words have no meaning here, it is all about behaviour. J.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah72, Thanks for commenting. I read your post but deleted it because of the term you used for MIL. That term doesn't resonate well with me so I'm not going to use it. I understand where you're coming from and why you coined it but I will stick with MIL. This is the most neutral to me. J.
ReplyDeleteHello J, (from Sarah72)
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry for the tone of the last post and I understand why it doesn't resonate well with you.
The post was actually meant to be tongue-n-cheek humor/glib humor with the intention of exposing the unhealthy expectations some MILs feel toward their sons. However, I see why it is not appropriate to a blog since one's tone/intention cannot easily be discerned. (This is also the case with emails, web chat etc. since people rely on voice inflections, body language, and facial expressions to discern the intended meaning of conversations). Still, that is no excuse on my part and I apologize for making you uncomfortable. Thank you for letting me know that you were uncomfortable by the post and why you deleted it. I always appreciate direct communication and will not post things of this nature in the future. Thanks for giving me a second chance.
On a serious level, I never use the "v" word (or any other word referring to a woman's intimate areas) and under normal circumstances don't use it in writing or in casual conversation.
On a more serious level, long ago when I saw that movie for the first time and saw the MILs relationship to her son, I was really shocked (to say the least) since never in my own world could I imagine that there were people who truly thought that way. In other words, there are some MILs who very seriously have an 'incestuous' hold on their adult sons and that is extremely disturbing. Before seeing that movie, it never crossed my mind that such a thing existed and was outside of my frame of reference. Of course, prior to getting married, there were so many things outside of my frame of reference and it has literally taken me years to piece apart my MILs behavior and get to the point where I realize what she was doing had a vicious intent. I was raised by parents who are very direct in their communication (i.e. they don't play games or manipulate), but they are also very nurturing and about building relationships with people through positive and courteous interaction. My family of origin is not a family of yellers and game-players and thankfully they were also non-abusive. When I got married, I did not realize I would be marrying into a family that was opposite to my own. I had neither the tools nor the perspective (nor the context) to deal with a family where everything was literally 'upside down' to my own. I feel like a large part of me has lost my innocence and a part of me has developed a type of cynical humor as a coping mechanism.
My (selfish) motive for blogging about all of this is to purge some of the negative emotions that have accumulated but also to work through them and attempt to gain some more perspective and strength.
But, the hardest part is that sometimes my husband has days where he is strong and able to see his mom for what she is. When he has these days, he is strong and centered. On the other days, guilt gets the best of him and he takes it out on me and our sons by constant nit-picking. A part of him struggles with feeling he is a bad son if he sets boundaries with his mom and this is the hook through which his mom keeps him.
On another note, the biggest thing that I do not understand about my MIL in relation to my FIL is that my MIL has a very cool husband (my FIL) but she treats him really disdainfully when we visit. She is constantly nit-picking him and finding fault in front of her son. Or, she is telling her son what a &&&* her husband is. From the outside looking in, my FIL is very social and attempts to be friendly and to build bridges. He is still married to my MIL after all these years and obviously wants to have a decent relationship with her, but she constantly throws him over and attempts to get her need for companionship met by her sons. This is something I will never understand and something I will never do to my own sons.
J, again, I apologize for the previous post and thank you for letting me know your feelings. I certainly appreciate them.
-Sarah
Hi Sarah, I appreciate your explanation, apologies taken. I will respond to your other comments later. J.
ReplyDelete