There were some complications when I gave birth to my son, resulting in a huge blood loss on my part, luckily our son was perfectly healthy and doing very well. My husband called his parents, his father was happy and burst into tears, his mother was in a foul mood. The only response the MIL gave was an angry: oh..., before she handed the phone to FIL. Unfortunately we had to stay in the hospital for the next two days and I had an iv to replace the blood loss. It took a long time before the bleeding stopped and I had a heart rate of over a 100 in rest and was unable to walk. I desperately wanted to go home, to be in my own home, the three of us together. Fortunately the second day a nurse said to me, if you would be able to walk 5 steps today you could go home tomorrow. At the end of the afternoon I managed to do that, holding on to a chair, although I nearly fainted and got very nauseous. So the next day we went home! I was so happy to take our beautiful baby boy home! My husband had to carry me in our home, I couldn't walk, and even that was so exhausting that I was completely out of breath, my heart pounding in my ears.
Then, we were home and the terror began, his mother was frantically calling him, pressuring him they wanted to come immediately. I wanted her toxic presence nowhere near myself or our son, especially now I was so weakened. So I asked my husband to ask them to wait for a week (at least). She didn't take no for an answer. The next morning, very early, the door bell rang, my heart sunk. It could only be them as we had asked all our family and friends not to visit us because of the circumstances. They respected our wishes, were very happy for us having a healthy son and relieved I was recovering. And there they were, the in-laws, disrespecting us, showing up uninvited. I immediately told my husband I didn't want them to come in. I felt like a caged animal, lying in bed, afraid they would come in anyway and barge into our bedroom. However DH let them into the hallway and the nurse that was helping us, showed our son to them briefly and then my husband asked them to go.
Well all hell broke loose when the nurse went away for the day. His mother had been calling and calling again, telling my husband that they were extremely insulted they were not invited into our home. They would never ever come to visit us again. She demanded I would come to their house to say that I was sorry for my evil deed of not letting them in our house. My husband directed all his anger and frustration at me. He too thought that I was the problem, I should have given in. Now his parents were insulted and he would never see them again! The MIL kept pressuring him to come to their house with our son (I was not invited of course). DH really pressured me to let him go see his parents with our son, I refused. I wouldn't let her split us up, literally. She told him, in our family we do not handle things this way (while not at all respecting our boundaries or respecting her son to have his own family or loving him). She told him, your father doesn't respect you anymore (which hit him really really hard).
So DH didn't let them in but was very angry with me, instead of them. In fact all part of the normal dynamics of how he had been raised: You just don't refuse your mother anything, she can do as she pleases and opposing her is the ultimate betrayal. In the end we didn't see them for half a year. However, MIL was never in more frequent contact with DH. Guilt tripping him, playing the victim, bad-mouthing me... She was living her ultimate dream. He was sending her pictures of our son, hearing her out on all her complaints about me. I am a street fighter she told my husband, some women are just too proud to step down. DH delivered all her messages to me, instead of telling her to shut up. He even sent her a home video where I was really happy, singing and dancing with my baby son. I was so angry DH had given such an intimate private home video to his vile and hostile mother, it felt as a huge betrayal. He thought she was entitled to see pictures and movies of our son. Fairly soon after seeing the video the MIL started another campaign, she had read an article on mothers giving too much attention to their children, indulging them, being too positive, this way having a very bad influence on them, blah blah blah.... (what can I say...).
DH nearly begged her for them to come see his son. No she couldn't do that, she wanted to, but his father didn't want to come... (she never ever would let anyone stop her doing what she wants to, so this was a blatant lie). My husband however was deeply hurt by this perceived rejection of his father. His father had never rejected him in such a way. So this could only give the message to DH that he had screwed up beyond forgiveness. The spider in the web was happily controlling all communication. (I wonder oh I wonder what the MIL told his father).
This period in my life has been one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. I never have felt so lonely in my life, it put a terrible pressure on our relationship, it was a period of terrible emotional abuse. It made me feel desperate with no escape. We should have been left alone to enjoy the wonderful experience of having our son, to be able to bond as a new family and then share it with friends and family. To have some peace and rest. Instead the MIL instigated her ultimate power struggle, she didn't care about me, I didn't expect her to. She however also didn't respect or love her son at all, not once. She grabbed the opportunity to make him feel very guilty, to subjugate him. She couldn't even be happy for him at this time of his life. He had just become a father to his beautiful healthy son! He was so happy with his son and wanted to show him to his parents. She did not care, it was all about her. I think this period was a time of great glory and satisfaction for her. She was very much in control of her son's emotions. When I think back one word resonates with me: destruction.
Hello! (It's Sarah72) I will be using my Leah account when responding. It's much easier. By the way, my real name is Sarah.
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOODNESS, J! I just read this 3.3 post and my heart sank and my stomach physically bound itself into a knot. (Seriously!)
I am starting to wonder if you and I have the same MIL and she lives a double life between two continents. That is, during the day, she lives her first identity in these good, old USofA and then at night hops a plane and lives identity #2 in England. By the way, this statement is my attempt at being humorous.
In all seriousness, yes, your situation reminds me so much of my own and actually almost reads verbatim as to what happened with my first child. The only difference is, I *DID* let them in when I had asked them not to come immediately. But, if I had had such a traumatic birth experience as you where you actually could have lost your life due to hemorrhaging/blood loss, there would have been no way I would have let them in the house. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING, J! Sorry for the caps, but I could not be more passionate about my view that you did the right thing and should neither be asked to back down nor apologize to MIL. When you talk about feeling like a caged animal, I can empathize completely. That is EXACTLY the feeling a controlling MIL who has no boundaries inspires in us. Whew. This whole thing about your MIL demanding all of the pictures and video of your child is just eerie. That is also EXACTLY what my MIL does. The one time she came to our house alone to visit, she physically attacked me after my husband stood up to her. Her reasoning was that under normal circumstances, her son would never stand up to her so it must have been my fault-- and that is how she justified attacking me. Seriously. Husband intervened and kicked her out of the house and took her to the airport. But, here is the kicker, right after he pulled her off of me and told her to pack her things, she sat on the floor and refused to physically budge until my husband went to our computers and burned a copy on CD of every single video and photo taken of our child. At that point he also told me to scoop our child up in my arms, put him in the car, and drive away until he got back from the airport. He stated this was for my own protection. What floors me is that while I did drive away somewhere safe, he did stay at home until he had completed making a CD of all the photos and videos. He also told me after he had dropped her at the airport that she tried to negotiate a divorce between me and him on the drive to the airport and that she went as far as threatening to kill me if he didn't. Well, he recounted that actually made him so mad that he literally stopped his vehicle in the middle of a 5-lane freeway where cars were going at least 65-miles-per-hour. he reported that he told his mom to get out of the car or to shut the h*** up about divorce and violence. That happened when our first child was 1.5. He did not talk to her for months after that but was guilted by his dad to talk to her again.
Had to break my first post into two parts-- this is part 2. The character limit was exceeded.
ReplyDelete*******************************
I have so many absolutely insane stories like this-- and I will admit that there was a point during our marriage where my husband took his anger out on me and the kids. Those were a hard several years. He is not a hitter nor is he an abuser. He would just angry and moody and then blame me for not trying to get along. I will tell you that at one point, a few years ago, I had had enough and left with the kids, staying somewhere he couldn't reach us. We negotiated getting back together and that included him seeing a therapist, him no longer blaming me for his mom, and him being married to me first and formost. Prior to that, he had attempted to split his attention between he and his mom. But, the fact is, every religious tradition and specifically his and my religious tradition states that you leave your family of origin and cleave to your spouse. Both Judaism and Christianity state that. Also, any psychologist worth anything also states that. So, that was a very positive experience for him. I guess while I was out of the house his mom showed more of her true colors and he decided no way no how was he going to give up his marriage and family just to pander to her. That was a very hard time for both he and I and I think both of us assumed that when I left there would be a divorce. It was VERY hard and heart-breaking for me to do that. But I knew it had gotten to that point. By the way, I would not recommend this path to everyone. It is truly the path of last resort. Fortunately, it strengthen our marriage like never before and after we got back together we became a team and have been a team ever since. He still has hard times but no longer takes it out on us. I have also learned to speak to him differently about this topic than I did in the past. In the past, I spoke from anger, and now I speak to him in a more detached and neutral way about his mom. I save my anger for blogs!
J, good luck and I look forward to more of your postings. Hang in there and DO NOT let MIL win. I would still recommend reading the book "Silently Seduced". I read Toxic In-Laws and LOVED it, but I think Silently Seduced delves deeply into the psychology of the unhealthy hold that controlling moms have on their sons. It also discusses the son's perspective in great detail and provides ideas on how to work through things.
Sarah
That is an insane story... Very very messed up. And then he's making a cd, still doing her a favour wile she behaved outrageous and you were taking your child somewhere safe. I think your MIL is extremely dangerous from what I have been reading here.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your FIL is such a nice guy if he lets her get away with about everything, she does it, but he lets her. Just like my FIL. He seems a nice guy and I don't think he knows half of what she does, she is a good liar. On the other hand, she is always blaming others, has no friends, doesn't see anyone of her family, hates her two DILs. So the man must know it is probably a lot if not most of her doing. I think I am fooling myself. I think he knows it, he chooses not to see it, which is kind of cowardly I think. You should stick up for your children. I think I am just hoping that my husband would have at least one of his parents backing him up when things go really wrong with the MIL.
I got so much more to say in response but I think I will write it in another post.
I will have a look at the book, sounds interesting.
Hi J,
ReplyDeleteCertainly tend to agree with you that our FILs are not such 'nice guys' if they
let MIL get away with such stuff. Sometimes I feel like the dynamic between my
MIL and FIL is the dynamic of 'Bad cop, good cop". She is the 'bad cop' sent in to
do the emotional dirty work and he is the 'good cop' who wants to appear as if
he is an 'innocent' in the situation. Really it is just two sides of the same coin.
Came across something interesting that is a little off topic but that absolutely
relates to our situations. I had been reading about emotional abuse and clicked
a link to a page that discussed the emotional abuse that occurs within certain
cult-ish religions. I am going to paste a quote from the site because it applies
to emotional abuse as a whole:
"Self condemnation and self-criticism are a big part of the indoctrination process, so those who would like to control you would also like to get you criticizing yourself and being down on yourself. And Prof. Margaret Thaler Singer added that inducing feelings of powerlessness, covert fear, guilt, and dependency in the victims was also a part of the control process. So don't let them make you believe that you are flawed and inferior...it almost always means that they want to control you — to change your behavior to something that they want."
Though that quote applies to a different topic, it rings true to experience. It
took a long time for me to notice that MIL was using vicious verbal attacks and
vicious labeling to force me to lower my defenses and to make me feel flawed.
Certainly if someone can make an individual feel flawed, that someone now has
;'power over' that individual. I feel like some people deliberately try to break the
self-esteem of others so that they can have emotional 'power over' the person
with broken self-esteem. That causes the broken person to be acquiesce
to demands.
I hate to think that some people are this nefarious. I was raised to trust
others and that people were inherently good. My parents were inherently
good themselves and so it has been hard to come to terms with the
idea that it seems some people out there are sadistic for the sake of
being sadistic. That is heartbreaking.
J, here is a question about the dynamic between your DH and your MIL.
I will use my situation as a comparison first. Over the years have noticed
that DH has been used as MIL's confidante and emotional support system.
There have been times when MIL has come to visit and had brought DH
ome of his younger brother's clothing and she will want him to 'model'
the clothes for her. One time I went downstairs and when I came upstairs,
DH was standing in our living room stripped down to his underwear
and MIL and FIL were sitting on the couch critiquing his build and handing
him more of his little brother's clothes to wear. When they all saw that I saw
this, DH ran into a bedroom and put normal clothes on. MIL smiled and
attempted to write it off as a normal occurrence-- like I had no right
to look shocked. Well, you can bet I was shocked because I have never
witnessed anything like that. When DH came back wearing normal clothes,
everyone acted like nothing had happened and changed the subject. That
was years ago. Recently I brought that situation up to DH and he claims
not to remember it. He says it seems familiar but that it is foggy. So, have
you ever seen such strange behavior between your DH and in-laws?
-S
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteWhen I was little I think I believed people were good, at least most of them. The few nightmares I had were inhabited by crocodiles, burglars and the like. Later through my teens and early adult life however I can't say I thought everyone was good per se because I had my fair share of encounters with people that were not fueled with good intentions. However the level of insanity and abuse instigated by a mother to hurt her son to have power over him, it really took me a long time to fathom that. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. It took a long time to see the patterns emerge from the constant FOG she was creating, probably because I became the prime target to her. She tried to destroy our relationship. I think all her energy is directed at trying to control others. Most 'normal' people have a hard time understanding this just because to a normal person this would be absolutely exhausting and would be depriving them of all their joy, not so in the case of the MIL. That is how she is, breathes, lives. Control is her drug.
My husband has also been used as MIL's confidante and emotional support system. In reality this too is only about control. She wants to give him the idea that her happiness depends on him and that he is responsible for her well-being. Just another way to pull the strings. And he does feel responsible (although lately, we've been talking a lot about this, it is beginning to settle with him that he is not responsible for her). He wants to make her happy. That is his motivation. I really think this is all so incredibly mean and cruel. Who would want to do that to her child, well she does...
Why did they want your husband to 'model' his brother's clothing?! That's crazy. I can imagine you were shocked. I think to your MIL this is just another way of control: 'see what I can make him do'. It is kind of degrading I think, it shows a sadistic spirit.
J.
Hello J,
DeleteOkay this is a little off-topic at the beginning...
What's interesting is like (probably) you, as I got older and went to university and got to meet many different people, I saw that many of them did not behave nicely and were certainly looking to undermine based on jealousy etc. My first off-the-wall experience I had in terms of fierce competition was when I attended University of York in 1995. I was the only American in the English department there and had come to study in England specifically to improve my writing about and understanding of British literature. To say that the small group of students in that program was back-biting and undermining would be an understatement. That attitude even spread to most professors. I was there to improve myself scholastically, to finish the program, and to return to the US. It appears the others were there to secure an early spot in the Oxbridge Dphil programs, so competition was fierce and some students were 'out for blood'. But, I refused to compete and kept my head down and just finished my terms papers and thesis, returned to the US and graduated in 1997. Still, I noticed the brutal class system that occasionally endured at the top 10 universities in England and I was blown away by that. The US has been, at least since I was born, about leveling the playing field and wiping away class systems. Looking back, I now see that the behavior that was played out was sometimes very sadistic and certainly no one had anyone else's best interests in mind. At the time, I simply attributed it to being a highly competitive environment and figured that these fellow students who were behaving ruthlessly were just nice people who had been led astray due to pressure. Now, looking back, I realize that many, if not most of them, got there because they were rather ruthless at heart and not necessarily nice people. It took me years to come to the belief that NOT everyone was "good". York was my first real eye-opening experience in terms of how vicious some people can be (oh, I have many stories).
But, at that time, I hadn't heard of personality disorders and did not know that this type of behavior was pathological.
Part 2
DeleteI was SO NAIVE that it took my MIL to change my mind. Looking back, I am trying to figure out why I was so naive. I think that it was probably because I was raised in a church-going family and my mom was and is highly religious. So, she drummed into me that all people were good. Then, I was also sheltered by my parents in that they made sure that I never put in a position where I would be taken advantage of or traumatized. I had tons of friends, it's just that they were checked out by my mom and given a stamp of approval. Consequently, I believe that I did not benefit because I had to figure out the darker side of human nature on my own. Needless to say, I am NOT raising my children to believe everyone is good. I am giving them more of a realistic view of the world and also teaching them to be mentally clear enough to hear their gut feelings and to listen to them. I believe that providing them with this information is a form of protection in that they will likely be able to recognize when something is amiss, rather than being so naive.
Part 3
DeleteBack to MILs. It seems like both of our husbands have been used as emotional confidantes to their mothers and have gotten it into their heads that they are responsible for their mom's happiness. I have recently been teaching my husband what 'more normal' looks like in terms of how moms should interact with their sons. I don't bring his mom up, but rather state how I view our own sons. I say things like, "I hope my sons know that I am here to meet their emotional needs, not the other way around" and "It is up to me to be the best parent that I can be, to give them love and support without asking for any (or taking any) in return, to let them know their inherent value as individuals, and to teach them how to think for themselves while not asking them to take on my own personal beliefs". My husband always seems to listen and take note. I have also said things like, "We made the choice to have children. In making that choice, we have willingly signed up for a lifetime of giving to another without seeking anything in return, to becoming the best versions of ourselves, to living our value systems, and to apologizing to our children if and when we do wrong. When they grow up, it will be their decision as to whether or not they have a close relationship with us. They do not owe us this and we are ALWAYS responsible for meeting our own needs emotionally and never looking to our children to do so". I have found these conversations to be the most productive since these remarks usually open a neutral dialogue between my husband and I about how to be the best parents. I never bring up MIL and FIL in these cases because I have found that to be unproductive. I can also see very clearly during these conversations that he is doing his own mental inventory in terms of how his mother treated him and comparing it to what I am saying. I can see that he is drawing the conclusion, during those moments, how messed up his own mom is. I have found that by me not bringing that up it allows him to be spared the embarrassment of how his mom treated him and also makes me the bigger person.
Part 4
DeleteBut, it was not always like this. Several years ago, I was approaching it the wrong way and it drove a wedge between us. Out of frustration, I would start talking about how messed up his mom is and give examples. Sometimes he would get really angry and say that while what I said about his mom was true, it was not up to me to make that observation. I think that when I pointed it out, it created shame-based feelings in him, and that is exactly that I DID NOT want to happen. It was not my intent, but when it did happen, I learned to stop myself and I apologized. It actually makes me very sad when I find myself treating the person that I love in ways that cause him to feel shame. In my mind, I want to be his emotional 'rock' and someone that he is 'bound to' not out of fear, belittlement, or shame, but because I offer him positive things. I have told him throughout our marriage that if there ever comes a time when he stays with me 'out of duty' and not out of love, that I would not want to keep him in the marriage. I believe relationships are a two-way street and need to be based on love and allowing the other person to be safe emotionally when they are with us. This is obviously an ever-evolving process and something I work on daily.
It comes down to this-- about 6 years ago, I came across the Gandhi quote that says, "Be the change you wish to see in the world". From that I gleaned that if I wanted a loving home, I needed to first behave in a loving way. If I wanted an unselfish partner, I had to first extend the unselfish parts of myself to him. And on and on. That piece of wisdom is kind of like a spiritual yard-stick through which I constantly measure my own actions.
And so it goes...
I also have to admit that a lot of the positive things started happening in our relationship after I started changing myself. When things were not going well, I started to behave as if they were going well. That meant instead of behaving in a tense way, I would behave in a calm and loving way. This is a technique I learned in my psychology studies and it is a hallmark of Adlerian therapy (Alfred Adler). I think this perspective has helped my own behavior in terms of my marriage the most.
One more thing-
DeleteJust thought of some 'icky' things MIL has done toward my DH, her younger son, and my 8-year-old. Be warned, this is some really gross stuff.
MIL thinks that it is ok if people don't have privacy when they are changing clothes. Scratch that-- she demands they don't have privacy. Again, this is a foreign concept to me and a huge boundary violation.
The first time we visited MIL's house after marrying (and before having kids).
MIL pulled out a photo album of baby pictures of her two sons. They were born several years apart. So she opens this page in the album where there are naked pictures of two infant boys. The picture is zoomed in enough to clearly show 'you know what'. I was grossed out. She said, "Look I have naked pictures of my two sons side-by-side soon after they were circumcised. Don't you see how their p***s look different?" My husband was standing next to me. I turned pale, looked at him, changed the subject, and walked away. That was a TRULY horrifying experience and something that I cannot relate to doing for any reason. don't take such photos or keep such photos. I would bet money that MIL has also showed this same set of photos to new SIL. That thought literally makes my stomach churn.
This past summer, after my son got done swimming (this was that last time we visited), she literally threw herself on him and started tearing of his clothes and ordering him to strip naked in the backyard. I ran over to them at full speed and my son was attempting to fight her off. I said, "Excuse me, stop doing that to my son". She started yelling something about how he couldn't wear wet clothes in her house and needed to strip then and there so that she could dry him off herself. I said, "Uh no, actually, I will have him dry off with his swimsuit on and I will bring him into the house to get changed immediately." You know what she did, she said to my son I didn't know what I was talking about and started tearing at his clothes again. I turned to get my husband for back up and in the seconds I was gone, she had my son stripped (again 8 years old) and was hand-drying him and examining his body. I ordered him to get dressed immediately. When DH arrived, MIL started telling DH that he needed to keep me in line because I wasn't allowed to tell her what she could and could not do to my son. She talked as if I wasn't there. I told her, " without a raised voice, you can say that to my face-- I am right here". Then she flew into a rage, swore at me, and said she refused to acknowledge me any longer and would say what she wished.
Those are just two incidents of many. I do not believe this is a cultural difference. I think the woman is messed up. And just think, if she were
a man doing the exact same thing and the kids were girls, I think people
might start comparing her to Jimmy Savile. I just do not see how her behavior is normal by any stretch of the imagination.
That's just incredible. You're right these are huge boundary violations. Huge. She doesn't have the right to behave like this with her sons and with your son. Never ever let that woman near your kids again. Sometimes because women usually do more of the caring stuff people may tend to overlook that a woman just as a man could overstep boundaries here. Well, I do not need to compare her behaviour with that of a man to see that it is outrageous behaviour. Even more outrageous is that she wants to stop you from defending your son! I'm so glad you were there and saw it and were able to get her away from your son. I guess your husband had his boundaries violated so many times that he maybe can't clearly discern what's right and what's wrong here, I mean with regard to his mother. He probably needs the comparison with a man doing that to a girl. It is sick. She's a total predator. She thinks she owns her sons, your son. Really disgusting. And the word dangerous comes to mind from reading this (and some of your posts on the other blog). What did your husband say afterwards?
DeleteHi J,
DeleteI am so glad that you understand the boundary violation that my MIL has made against my husband and sons. There seems to be this double-standard in society where women are able to get away with more physical violations than men. Don't get me wrong here-- I realize that most SA is committed by men and that men are held to a strict standard in terms of what kind of touching is appropriate and that strict standard is CORRECT. (I cannot begin to tell you how many clients enter therapy because of a history of having been abused sexually by fathers, uncles, neighbors etc. It is disheartening and sad.) But, I think women should be held to the same standard as men in terms of SA. It's horrible to think that women, who are supposed to be the nurturers and caretakers, are capable of abusing children. This absolutely makes my stomach churn. I think when men do it they are ill, but also must be jailed. When women do it, they are even more ill than men because it is against a woman's psychological wiring to do such things. We are wired at the core to fiercely protect children and NOT to abuse them. For a woman to have that brain circuitry broken means she is very ill and a danger. That is my opinion. I have spoken to people about MIL's lack of physical boundaries and some people just write it off as "odd". I have always called it sexually abusive, but many disagree. They seem to assume that women can't commit SA. Well, that is absolutely incorrect. There was a time when MIL and FIL were visiting when older son was 4 years old. He was changing clothes in his room to get ready for a b-day party. At one point and for whatever reason, he thought it would be funny to run into the living room wearing his underwear. We were all sitting there. When I saw him come out, I immediately and sternly told him he needed to go back into his room and finish getting dressed. You know what MIL said? She actually started to speak over me loudly and she said to him, "Oh sexy sexy, you are a sexy sexy boy. Turn around and show me, sexy sexy." Before she was done, I was already escorting him back into his room and ensuring that he dressed himself. I was SO FREAKED OUT by her commentary and ended up journaling about it immediately. I thought it over and tried to find an 'excuse' for why she would say that but couldn't find any logical excuse. The whole thing struck me as something a predator might say. I know this sounds extreme, but it really freaked me out. I did not find it funny by any stretch of the imagination. Am I over-reacting?
To answer your last question: I do have examples of how my MIL showed me that she was in control of her son and could easily pull the strings (which I think is really the bottomline here). I am writing a post on this but that will take some time :-).
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah, I had some similar experiences at university. I got really angry with some injustice I saw happening and addressed this behaviour with these people(not in the most diplomatic way). Long story short: the consequences for me were that subsequently my grades for good work were lowered (in practicals). When I addressed the grades as being too low for the work I delivered, I was told it was due to my 'behaviour'. When I asked them to explain this, I got very vague answers, such as, 'well we observed you...'. I had nowhere to go and felt very frustrated and angered by this. They got away with it. It had a huge impact on me. I think this was the first time I experienced people abusing their position of power over others. I started doubting myself. Should I have kept my mouth shut and just go along to get along. (I know I can't). Would this endanger my academic future? I was naive then to think that if I would address dishonesty upfront it would not make me the object of their rage... I felt sort of helpless a long time after this. Unfortunately I wasn't surrounded by people then who could give me support or good solid advice. J.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you experienced that at university. I sincerely hope you stuck it out.
DeleteDuring the end of my fall quarter at York, one female professor told me that maybe I should dropout of the program. I confronted her on it and asked her to evaluate my work and tell me why it wasn't up to par. When she did evaluate it, she could not come up with anything that was defensible since there were no holes in my scholarship. Later I started talking to another guy in the program who had graduated from Manchester. I found out they did the same thing to him. We went to two other students and -- check-- they did the same thing to them. I told them that it seemed the professors were participating in a form of academic bullying to see who was determined enough to put in the work regardless. I told them not to be intimidated and that we would stick together. There were a total of 8 of us at the beginning of the year in this particular Master's program and the only two who were being treated well were the two from Oxbridge. What made me sad was that the guy who had graduated from Manchester was a factory worker's son and was the first of his generation to attend college. Him being accepted into York was a HUGE deal for his family. I talked to him frequently and told him that he could not give up. Well, right before the summer break and after we had finished all the courses, we had to write a series of 4 papers that were 5,000 words each. Then, we had to start work on our Master's thesis. He and I both went home to finish those last 4 papers. He went to Manchester and I flew home to the US to get some emotional strength and peace of mind. When it was time to drop our paper's off at the English dept. he and I had arranged to meet. So, we both show up outside the department door with papers in hand. He literally looks at me, shows me his completed work that he had slaved over, and says, "I am dropping out of the program. They are right. This is not the place for a factory worker's son". He takes the papers and dumps them inside a large trash bin outside the department door. MY jaw literally dropped onto the floor. I said, "You cannot do this. You cannot let them win. You are GOOD ENOUGH and better in fact. Do not let them make you feel inferior." He had already made up his mind, said the stress was breaking him, and he could no longer go on. Then he went inside and resigned. By that time, everyone else had left the program except for me and the two smug ones from Oxbridge. That experience lit a fire under my butt and I told myself I would write a Master's thesis that was going to blow people's minds and I was going to do it in Honor of this guy who dropped out. (His name was Richard). I did finish the thesis and my anger was enough to get me through the program. I am not generally an angry person but I was on fire with a type of 'righteous anger' where I was fighting for us underdogs of the world. When my thesis went to the internal panel, it got an average/passing grade. When it went to the Oxford panel-- the external graders-- they gave me a very high mark and said it was unique and solid scholarship. That was great because it was a rebuke to the profs at York who were caught up in their false snobbery. Years later, a part of me is still angry about what happened to Richard. Over the course of those months I saw a spirited survivor be ground down to someone who was willing to throw his dreams away. To this day, when I see good people get hurt, I become very angry.
I absolutely agree with your view regarding your children. My children don't owe me anything. We decided we wanted to have children. We are responsible for them. We need to let them feel they matter through our behaviour. We do this by valuing their boundaries, to learn them to assert themselves, to validate their emotions. To provide for them a safe place to grow up. To love them for who they are. To be honest with ourselves and them.
ReplyDeleteRegarding my husband. At the end of 2011, DH ignored me for about a week, influenced once again by the MIL (holiday. After this passive-agressive behaviour which drove me insane, I thought, this is it. I'm not staying in a relationship with someone who is treating me like this, just because his mother is discontent (with whatever). If that's the deal, I'm out. I do not want to sacrifice my happiness and my emotional well-being. I told my husband things needed to change. That I was done with the way things were and would not accept our relationship being terrorised by his mother any longer. We argued a lot, we read books. We discussed what to do. We set boundaries with the MIL. The MIL ramped up her hostile behaviour towards me. My husband addressed this with her. She tried to excuse and justify her behaviour, when she didn't succeed, she told him you have to take me as I am. My husband repeated himself, addressing how she behaved with me, and she hung up on him. We decided the ball is in her court now, DH is not going to call her to make amends, which he normally would have done. She's never at fault so she expects him to do this. He won't this time. He's slowly grasping she's responsible for her behaviour and has to own up to it. I have had to say this to him a few times and could see he agreed, no one has ever said this to him. He needs to hear things like this. You are not responsible for your mother!! He doesn't have the duty to help her, she's an adult. I told my husband I'm not going to take any fake apologies or excuses. If she sincerely aplogises (which she will never do) she can come here but otherwise the consequences are for her (sadly this affect my husband too) and I will not allow her in our house. The holidays were a real low point for me. I feared that the MIL would have something up her sleeve to once again cause great distress and I thought of everything that has happened the last 15 years because of her. That really saddened me and I got really really angry too looking back. The huge negative impact she had on our relationship and all the toxicity we have had to endure because of her. The fact that she will never ever stop her war against me and our relationship. She didn't contact DH since she hung up on him. FIL sent an email just before Christmas asking if we would be visiting them. I emailed them a short message that we were not coming. Then FIL called DH at the start of January to wish him Happy New year and FIL asked if everything was alright. I saw that DH was really emotional when he told me his father had called. So this is the situation now. The tension has eased somewhat now and DH is really focusing on us now, which feels good. However FIL's birthday is approaching and I fear for the tensions this may possibly cause...
ReplyDeleteI see a lot of my own sentiments in your words above. Your frustration over the idea that MIL will never stop the war against your marriage is something that resonates profoundly with me. Sometimes I get so angry because I feel like it is an uphill battle. While I am relieved that my husband finally sees his mom's behavior for what it is, I am also saddened because I see that he is frequently grieving over fact that he will never have a real mom. Though she technically gave birth to him, I consider her no more than an egg donor because real mothers don't behave the way that she does. The only good thing about all of this is what my parents have taken my husband in as their 'son'. He said that one of the reasons we got married is because when he met my parents, they always made him feel like he was genuinely loved and a part of the family. He says that my mom is like the mom he would have wanted. So, that is a good thing. Still, there is the grief and I feel a tremendous compassion for him.
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