This book has been very helpful in validating my feelings, in helping me see through the FOG, relentlessly created by my MIL. The MIL has been campaigning against me, overtly as well as covertly. The bottom line has always been: 'you don't have any right' (you're an intruder, I don't want you here). In her vision I didn't have the right to see things differently (.......), I didn't have the right to have an adult relationship with my husband (he was first and foremost HER son). We were just playing house as far as she was concerned, never mind our age. I didn't have the right to say no (I did). I had to answer every question she asked me, no matter how intrusive (I did not). In addition there were her relentless campaigns against me, her insinuations, her dismissive behaviour, the character assassination, the criticising by giving unsolicited advice, often if not mostly using my husband as a pawn in the process. Expecting to be put first, always and forever, just because in her mind she's THE mother... I did not adopt her vision of life or her vision of me but is has been exhausting having to deal with her. It just drains you no matter what. Emotional abuse, is abuse, it wears you down. It is insidious.
I of course do know I have rights but sometimes you just need (I did!!) to have it in writing and to have someone else stating it clearly for you. To have someone else validate you're not asking for anything crazy! These are just your basic rights! Read them and take them to heart! Empower yourself.
The following is from Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward:
'You have the right:
- To protect your own physical and emotional health
- To be treated with respect
- To express your own beliefs, feelings, opinions, convictions, values and traditions.
- To get angry.
- To raise your children without interference.
- To make mistakes.
- To change your mind.
- To have time with your own parents, partner, and children, independent of your in-laws.
- To be taken seriously.
- To work with your partner to set the guidelines for your household and have them honoured.
- To ask your partner for help and support with in-law problems.
- To protest to your partner when your in-laws are causing you unhappiness or being overly critical, controlling or otherwise difficult.
- To expect your partner to put you first.
- To ask your partner to join you in some kind of counselling if things get really bad between you.
- To say no to the in-laws.
- To disagree with the in-laws
- To not love the the in-laws.
- To set limits on how much time you spend with the in-laws
- To let the in-laws know when they have hurt, offended, or mistreated you*.
- To ask the the in-laws to stay out of problems between you and your partner*.
- To ask for what you would like from the in-laws*.
- To take an active part in decisions about how the holidays and other special occasions are celebrated*'.
A few personal notes to the last 4 statements above. Some of the 'things to do' are not applicable in case you're dealing with narcissists:
* When you're dealing with narcissistic in-laws it is probably not very smart to let them know when they have hurt, offended or mistreated you! You would be giving them feedback and they would use it to learn how to even more offend, hurt and mistreat you! Don't expect any empathy from them (your partner however could tell his parents they have overstepped a boundary and set limits with them). Discussing the holidays and other special occasions with the in-laws..., you decide what you do, you're adults and it is your family. If the in-laws are not respecting you as an equal adult never include them in any decision making (it's only asking for problems). Apart from that I don't see why they would have a say in it anyway. It is probably not a clever move either to ask them what you want from them, I would say that setting firm boundaries is the more appropriate thing to do.
- You have the right to not answer questions you don't want to answer.
- You have the right to not explain yourself to the in-laws.
- You have the right to have privacy.
- You have the right to make our own decisions on whatever subject without including the in-laws
- You have the right to not have the in-laws complain about you to your spouse.
- You have the right to ask your partner to stand up for you with regard to the in-laws, they are his parents.
Please feel free to share your experiences, additions to the list, and insights in the comments section.
Thank you for this entry! I shared your blog with my listserve of other women with narcissist in-laws! I see your point in not telling them when and what offends you because that gives them incentive to keep hurting you in this way.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great book. I remembering reading it but one needs to also read books about Narcissism as well. For example: when I stood my ground with my FIL and told him I would not allow him to treat me like a doormat and I have the right to respect, his response: "you have to EARN my respect." I know shockers! So I basically had to shut him down and tell him I don't need or want his respect, which I don't. Of course, he later cried that I am the aggressor and I am guilty of saying horrible things to him.
ReplyDeleteSo the Toxic In-laws laid the groundwork, but the book does not fully prepare one to go to battle with narcissist in- laws who go to war with you and make every attempt to destroy you, your marriage, your family life.
Another right in the Toxic In-laws: you have the right to raise your children without interference. Again, when I stated this right to my Mil, she reacted to say that I am shutting them out of their grandchildren's lives, I am withholding their grandchildren and using them as pawns in my years long quest to break up their family."
'you have the right to raise your children without interference', that is so true and you have the right to have a relationship with your partner without any interference too!!
ReplyDelete