You are not alone

I was thinking why I like this song. I find it comforting. Why? It is always good to know that you're not alone.  When I first started searching the internet I came across a lot that was, to say the  least, discouraging. It really is a jungle out there (with a lot of crazy people). Luckily, I also found very good and inspiring blogs, blogs that are writing about things in a way that I can relate to. Reading the stories of others has certainly helped and inspired me to continue on my own path, doing what I feel is right. I hope I can help others too by sharing my story and posting helpful resources on this blog :-).

R.E.M - Everybody Hurts

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you've had too much
Of this life, well hang on

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand, oh no

Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts
You are not alone

Revelations of the holy MIL

The MIL tells it like it is, she tells the TRUTH, it is her character, she cannot do anything about it, it is just the way she is (psst, she's a martyr too).

(I heard someone talk some evil. No you did not. Yes I did).

Some of the revelations my MIL just had to share with me (for my own good):

In the good old days when I still occasionally said something personal while being in the company of the MIL, once upon a day I said something positive about a good friend, something about how funny he is and that we have been friends for a real long time (oops..).

That got the MIL going. So J., this (so-called) friend of yours. You know he'll only flatter you. He will not be honest with you because he's your friend. People who are not your friend wouldn't be that nice to you. They could be trusted to be telling you the truth, because they do not care for/like/know you and wouldn't be biased (are we still on topic here...?). In fact they would be the real friends.

(Hmmm, thanks MIL for telling it like it is, that makes so much sense, I feel so much better now).

(I heard some evil. No you did not. It is the TRUTH. Yes it is!).

Some more revelations of the MIL on how human beings are:

It is easy to be nice. It's much harder not to be nice.

If you have everything you want, it is easy to be nice. If you wouldn't have it all, you wouldn't be nice.

If you have nothing, you would be nice. People who have it all, have no need to be nice.

(I am so happy MIL you have repeated this 100 times for my sake. Some TRUTHs just need to be ingrained don't they, the TRUTH is never easy).

Then a personal revelation of the MIL:

I am not nice. So people do not like me. I have a special character, that's just the way it is, nobody understands me. There are people that are loved but that is because they are likable, they show interest in other people, they care about other people. I don't waste my energy caring about people.  I am just an honest person, I do what I do, so that is why nobody likes me. That is just the way it is. Life is just so easy for people who are not like me. It is so hard to be me, you have no idea. You have to take me as I am.

( Forever grateful MIL for telling me the TRUTH EVIL about people YOU, I was so naive).

For the Birds

Watch and enjoy :-).

What fear can teach us: Karen Thompson Walker

Found this inspirational talk, food for thought :-).

You have rights, in case you forgot!

I have been reading a book written by Susan Forward called Toxic In-Laws.

This book has been very helpful in validating my feelings, in helping me see through the FOG, relentlessly created by my MIL. The MIL has been campaigning against me, overtly as well as covertly. The bottom line has always been: 'you don't have any right' (you're an intruder, I don't want you here). In her vision I didn't have the right to see things differently (.......), I didn't have the right to have an adult relationship with my husband (he was first and foremost HER son). We were just playing house as far as she was concerned, never mind our age. I didn't have the right to say no (I did). I had to answer every question she asked me, no matter how intrusive (I did not). In addition there were her relentless campaigns against me, her insinuations, her dismissive behaviour, the character assassination, the criticising by giving unsolicited advice, often if not mostly using my husband as a pawn in the process. Expecting to be put first, always and forever, just because in her mind she's THE mother... I did not adopt her vision of life or her vision of me but is has been exhausting having to deal with her. It just drains you no matter what. Emotional abuse, is abuse, it wears you down. It is insidious.

I of course do know I have rights but sometimes you just need (I did!!) to have it in writing and to have someone else stating it clearly for you. To have someone else validate you're not asking for anything crazy! These are just your basic rights! Read them and take them to heart! Empower yourself.


The following is from Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward:

'You have the right:

• To protect your own physical and emotional health
• To be treated with respect
• To express your own beliefs, feelings, opinions, convictions, values and traditions.
• To get angry.
• To raise your children without interference.
• To make mistakes.
• To change your mind.
• To have time with your own parents, partner, and children, independent of your in-laws.
• To be taken seriously.

• To work with your partner to set the guidelines for your household and have them honoured.
• To ask your partner for help and support with in-law problems.
• To protest to your partner when your in-laws are causing you unhappiness or being overly critical, controlling or otherwise difficult.
• To expect your partner to put you first.
• To ask your partner to join you in some kind of counselling if things get really bad between you.

• To say no to the in-laws.
• To disagree with the in-laws
• To not love the the in-laws.
• To set limits on how much time you spend with the in-laws

• To let the in-laws know when they have hurt, offended, or mistreated you*.
• To ask the the in-laws to stay out of problems between you and your partner*.
• To ask for what you would like from the in-laws*.
• To take an active part in decisions about how the holidays and other special occasions are celebrated*'.

A few personal notes to the last 4 statements above. Some of the 'things to do' are not applicable in case you're dealing with narcissists:

* When you're dealing with narcissistic in-laws it is probably not very smart to let them know when they have hurt, offended or mistreated you! You would be giving them feedback and they would use it to learn how to even more offend, hurt and mistreat you! Don't expect any empathy from them (your partner however could tell his parents they have overstepped a boundary and set limits with them). Discussing the holidays  and other special occasions with the in-laws..., you decide what you do, you're adults and it is your family. If the in-laws are not respecting you as an equal adult never include them in any decision making (it's only asking for problems). Apart from that I don't see why they would have a say in it anyway. It is probably not a clever move either to ask them what you want from them, I would say that setting firm boundaries is the more appropriate thing to do.

I would like to add some to te above mentioned rights:

• You have the right to not answer questions you don't want to answer.
• You have the right to not explain yourself to the in-laws.
• You have the right to have privacy.
• You have the right to make our own decisions on whatever subject without including the in-laws
• You have the right to not have the in-laws complain about you to your spouse.
• You have the right to ask your partner to stand up for you with regard to the in-laws, they are his parents.

Please feel free to share your experiences, additions to the list, and insights in the comments section.

Highlight: Blog to read!

I've been reading many blogs the past few months and one of the best I came across is this one:

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/06/best-of-posts-on-narcissists-suck.html

If you're dealing with narcissists in your life, here's invaluable information, clearly written and lots of insight. Very, very good!! (Wish I would have come across this blog years ago). Reading this blog you will learn a lot on what exactly constitutes emotional abuse.

I wanted to share this resource with you.

Take care of yourself!

3.3 My history with the in-laws: marriage and babies...

I talked with my husband, before our son was born, about how I wanted us to go about visiting. I told him I didn't want anyone there the same day after giving birth or the next day, and no telling the MIL when we were going to the hospital. (In my worst nightmares I envisioned the MIL barging into the hospital or even the delivery room). I told him I wanted no one to visit us for at least the first week. To give us time to recover and rest and get to know and bond with our son. I needed to protect myself. I wanted some peace of mind and privacy. This didn't go well with my husband because he knew, as I did too, that the MIL would insist to come immediately (to take control). So unfortunately he didn't really want to agree on anything. Apparently this was too big a confrontation.

There were some complications when I gave birth to my son, resulting in a huge blood loss on my part, luckily our son was perfectly healthy and doing very well. My husband called his parents, his father was happy and burst into tears, his mother was in a foul mood. The only response the MIL gave was an angry: oh..., before she handed the phone to FIL. Unfortunately we had to stay in the hospital for the next two days and I had an iv to replace the blood loss. It took a long time before the bleeding stopped and I had a heart rate of over a 100 in rest and was unable to walk. I desperately wanted to go home, to be in my own home, the three of us together.  Fortunately the second day a nurse said to me, if you would be able to walk 5 steps today you could go home tomorrow. At the end of the afternoon I managed to do that, holding on to a chair, although I nearly fainted and got very nauseous. So the next day we went home! I was so happy to take our beautiful baby boy home! My husband had to carry me in our home, I couldn't walk, and even that was so exhausting that I was completely out of breath, my heart pounding in my ears.

Then, we were home and the terror began, his mother was frantically calling him, pressuring him they wanted to come immediately. I wanted her toxic presence nowhere near myself or our son, especially now I was so weakened. So I asked my husband to ask them to wait for a week (at least). She didn't take no for an answer. The next morning, very early, the door bell rang, my heart sunk. It could only be them as we had asked all our family and friends not to visit us because of the circumstances. They respected our wishes, were very happy for us having a healthy son and relieved I was recovering. And there they were, the in-laws, disrespecting us, showing up uninvited. I immediately told my husband I didn't want them to come in. I felt like a caged animal, lying in bed, afraid they would come in anyway and barge into our bedroom. However DH let them into the hallway and the nurse that was helping us, showed our son to them briefly and then my husband asked them to go.

Well all hell broke loose when the nurse went away for the day. His mother had been calling and calling again, telling my husband that they were extremely insulted they were not invited into our home. They would never ever come to visit us again. She demanded I would come to their house to say that I was sorry for my evil deed of not letting them in our house. My husband directed all his anger and frustration at me. He too thought that I was the problem, I should have given in. Now his parents were insulted and he would never see them again! The MIL kept pressuring him to come to their house with our son (I was not invited of course). DH really pressured me to let him go see his parents with our son, I refused. I wouldn't let her split us up, literally. She told him, in our family we do not handle things this way (while not at all respecting our boundaries or respecting her son to have his own family or loving him). She told him, your father doesn't respect you anymore (which hit him really really hard).

So DH didn't let them in but was very angry with me, instead of them. In fact all part of the normal dynamics of how he had been raised: You just don't refuse your mother anything, she can do as she pleases and opposing her is the ultimate betrayal. In the end we didn't see them for half a year. However, MIL was never in more frequent contact with DH. Guilt tripping him, playing the victim, bad-mouthing me... She was living her ultimate dream. He was sending her pictures of our son, hearing her out on all her complaints about me. I am a street fighter she told my husband, some women are just too proud to step down. DH delivered all her messages to me, instead of telling her to shut up. He even sent her a home video where I was really happy, singing and dancing with my baby son. I was so angry DH had given such an intimate private home video to his vile and hostile mother, it felt as a huge betrayal. He thought she was entitled to see pictures and movies of our son. Fairly soon after seeing the video the MIL started another campaign, she had read an article on mothers giving too much attention to their children, indulging them, being too positive, this way having a very bad influence on them, blah blah blah.... (what can I say...).

DH nearly begged her for them to come see his son. No she couldn't do that, she wanted to, but his father didn't want to come... (she never ever would let anyone stop her doing what she wants to, so this was a blatant lie). My husband however was deeply hurt by this perceived rejection of his father. His father had never rejected him in such a way. So this could only give the message to DH that he had screwed up beyond forgiveness. The spider in the web was happily controlling all communication. (I wonder oh I wonder what the MIL told his father).

This period in my life has been one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. I never have felt so lonely in my life, it put a terrible pressure on our relationship, it was a period of terrible emotional abuse. It made me feel desperate with no escape. We should have been left alone to enjoy the wonderful experience of having our son, to be able to bond as a new family and then share it with friends and family. To have some peace and rest. Instead the MIL instigated her ultimate power struggle, she didn't care about me, I didn't expect her to. She however also didn't respect or love her son at all, not once. She grabbed the opportunity to make him feel very guilty, to subjugate him. She couldn't even be happy for him at this time of his life. He had just become a father to his beautiful healthy son! He was so happy with his son and wanted to show him to his parents. She did not care, it was all about her. I think this period was a time of great glory and satisfaction for her. She was very much in control of her son's emotions. When I think back one word resonates with me: destruction.

3.2 My history with the in-laws: marriage and babies...

So now the in-laws knew we were expecting a baby...

I wanted us to get married because I wanted all legal things organised before our baby was born. The MIL in the meantime had started her anti-marriage campaign. She started stories about she and her husband being forced to marry when they were expecting their first child (as if they had no free will) and that we were so lucky nowadays that there was absolutely no reason for us to get married and that it would be so terribly old fashioned and ridiculous. In hindsight it is obvious that her biggest fear now was that we would get married.

Every time we saw them she gave me these vile glances which frightened me, while at the same time pretending to be such a caring grandmother-to-be to DH.

One day she called DH and told him, if J. wants to know anything about pregnancy, giving birth etc.., I'm very happy to explain her everything. (Yuck, yuck, yuck ?!?!). DH was very happy with this, in his mind, very endearing gesture of his mother. I thought it was mean, condescending and disgusting.

Another time we went there and she made a real show of some chocolate bonbons she had bought and was parading around on a small silver platter. 'Oh look what I've got here for the babies! The babies (SIL was pregnant too) have got to eat!'. She never once looked me in the eyes and then said, here, eat it, it is for the baby. It gave me a very eerie feeling and later it dawned on me that the covert message she wanted us to have is that she saw us as incubators.

She kept offering me coats because 'the baby needs to stay warm!'. I had a perfectly fit winter coat so there was no need to get another one. She didn't stop however. She offered me dressing gowns, cardigans, old things she found in the attic (and not at all appropriate to wear outdoors). The last time I saw her when I was pregnant she tried to give me a huge men's winter coat, with an enormous moulded patch on it, to replace my winter coat. I do not need a coat I said to her, she looked at me as if I bluntly refused a well-meant personal gift chosen with great care.

DH and I kept talking about marrying and he was very reluctant. He said , well why would we marry, blah blah, what is the need...? While there was an obvious legal need. When I got angry because we didn't have much time left to arrange everything for a wedding he told me that he and his brother had an agreement. In their teens his brother had made him promise that he would never marry, to protect 'the inheritance'. So he couldn't marry because he had this agreement with this brother... I was really bewildered. To cut a long story short, after a lot of hassle we married a month before my due date at the court house with two friends as our witnesses.

DH found it necessary to let them know we were getting married a few days before. He said he felt this was his obligation, I think he wanted their approval in some way. I was afraid she would find out where we would marry and would go there to cause havoc. Needless to say these added worries were not what I needed, my pregnancy had been extremely exhausting in its last months. A few days after the wedding I got a phone call from the MIL when DH was at work. The voice mail was scary (as if she was conducting an inquisition), she congratulated me, in a very cold tone, with my marriage to her son. She told me to call her to talk things through. I didn't do that. I was exhausted and didn't want to have anything to do with her. I had to protect myself the rest of my pregnancy.

(To be continued).