What to tell the children if there is no contact with the grandparents?

When there is no contact with the grandparents...


We went sort of no contact with the in-laws after the MIL ignored me completely during two visits last year. I say sort of because my husband doesn't want to see it this way. After her extremely rude behaviour to me, which resulted from my husband setting some simple boundaries with her, my husband called her and addressed her behaviour, she first excused it, then said that it was just the way she was and he needed to accept that and then hung up on him (start December). We agreed that my husband wouldn't call her back and that the ball was in her court now, she needed to apologise and make an effort to right the wrongs she had done. She never called, until the 3rd of January, FIL called my husband at his work and wished him a Happy New Year, then MIL sneaked on the phone, the conversation lasted 25 seconds. My husband was in tears when he told me of the phone call. They didn't address the situation, ignored everything and hung up. Now with my daughter's birthday approaching I expected trouble, and yes there it was, the MIL called last week to ask if they were allowed to send presents for our daughter, behaving very emotional, asking if we wouldn't leave the presents on the doorstep (boohoo...). My husband then said to her he needed to discuss this with me (in my opinion telling her that he was ok with it but he needed to ask me).  Ugh. Well I said to my husband, text her (we have a no-calling-the-MIL agreement) and tell her it is up to her, we are not going to be lured to say yes or no. My husband then said to me he had texted his father. Now more than a week later it comes out that he has texted his father that it was ok for them to send presents, that we won't leave them on the doorstep and that 'you can come and bring them'. So he even invites them! He told me that his father would understand he only invited him, well I doubt it. Then FIL emailed him that the present was mailed but that unfortunately due to being very busy with his work it was impossible to come (too busy...).  I was stupefied and felt really betrayed by my husband doing all this behind my back. Apparently he pretends to understand me for a while but when push comes to shove he falls for the same trick over and over again. He told me, well if they want to do something nice for the children, who am I to stop them... Giving way to the MIL to play her favourite game: divide and conquer. In my opinion telling her, it is ok for you to ignore my wife as long as you're nice to the children, you can even have access to them. So we had a nice few days after this discovery, I can tell you. Anyway I got it back together and the present will not be given to our daughter, still contemplating what to do with it. I think I will store it in the attic til I know, there's no rush.

I found the following excerpt, taken from an excellent article written by Renee Pittelli, which pretty much says how I feel about the whole situation:

http://www.luke173ministries.org/466829:
No “outsider” should be permitted the right or the power to intrude into a family unit of parents and children and cause any kind of conflict or conflicted loyalties, tension, confusion, disharmony, or upset. No one has “rights” to a child who isn’t theirs. Many abusers don’t really love the grandkids, but are simply using them to punish or get at their victim. If she truly wants her grandkids in her life, the abuser can always start by apologising to their mother for the abuse, and by treating her with love and respect from then on. The reality is that if you truly want a good relationship with someone else’s children, then you need to be prepared to also have a good relationship with their parents, and to do whatever it takes to relate to the child’s immediate family as a whole and in a positive manner.

I talked with a coach and he said (when I said I didn't want to be dishonest with my children about the whole situation), tell it to your children in an age-appropriate way that they won't be seeing grandparents anytime soon because they have been mean to mom and dad. Tell them, we don't allow people to treat us like this and we don't allow them in our house (or will be going there) until they apologise and show for a longer period of time that their behaviour has changed. So I have a pretty good idea of what to tell our children, and will keep it really simple. I only have to think about when to tell them (preferentially with my husband there but if he refuses I will do it on my own), I don't want anymore attention to the grandparents at the moment so I'll leave it for a while, there's no rush here either. If they ask about the grandparents, I'll tell them why.

2012 Starting to change

After a horrendous Christmas vacation in 2011. DH didn't mention his parents and I didn't either. I wanted him to mention it himself if he wanted us to do something with them for Christmas. I in the meantime arranged to make a Christmas dinner for my grandmother at her home. DH was really mad, however he didn't arrange anything. He called his mother after Christmas and she mentioned they were alone and bored. That was enough for my husband to ignore me for 5 days. I asked my husband during these days if something was the matter, he said nothing was wrong. So he played a game with me, he was in fact giving me the silent treatment and was fogging me all along. After a few days I was at my wits' end. I felt desperate and very lonely. I screamed at my husband that I was done with it. I was not going to live like this anymore, with him treating me that way. He got what he wanted, he was satisfied that I blew up. He had punished me for my 'misbehaviour'.

I was fuming for about two weeks and then in January I started looking for specific help with in-laws, I ended up finding a book and then a forum. This forum has greatly helped me, it helped me realise I wasn't the only one dealing with such crazy in-laws. And not the only one with a husband that tolerated almost anything and remained in the role of a little child when it came to his parents. An otherwise capable man, having a good job, a great father and responsible. There was a blame game going on which was directed at me. You're too sensitive. You're an adult you should know how to deal with people you don't get along with. I never had problems with my parents. You're a troublemaker. My mother has a problem with you, so you should work it out with her, I don't want to be in the middle. And much more. Posting on the forum and reading the stories of others gave me a much needed confirmation that I wasn't the crazy one. In dealing with crazy people normal people sometimes start doubting their own sanity, that what I was at the verge of doing anyway. I had been dealing with a crazy sociopath for about 15 years.

It was time for a change. I wasn't going to let this crazy, mean, nasty, vile woman rule my world or that of my children. I told my husband it was time for a change. I wasn't going to accept the behaviour and intrusion of the MIL anymore. I found the book Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward and started reading. This book was what I needed, I got a lot of validation for my feelings and for what I had been dealing with. Much needed, because no one should deal with such problems on their own. Isolation is always in favour of the abuser. I would recommend this book to anyone. When my husband first saw the book, he wasn't too happy. He called it a rubbish book (he found the title really provocative and took offense), anyway he ended up reading the book and now calls it a great book. It probably has helped him too, seeing that he is not the only one with a mother like his.

The book was a starting point for me to convince my husband we needed to set boundaries. He started with telling his mother she needed to buy the presents for our children and not expect him to do it instead of her. This was a game she played every year, and oh glory when she succeeded in convincing him to buy the presents. I always prevented it but that didn't matter to her, she just wanted to show she could pull the strings if she wanted to. So she wasn't too happy when she didn't succeed this time, not even when she told him, 'so you don't care about me'. The next thing was, no more phone calls during our holidays. When we went on a vacation, my husband was obliged to call her every few days and leave all the details of the places we stayed such a s phone number and address. Everything under the guise of, what if something terrible happens (or I'll die of a heart-attack when I don't know exactly where you are), we need to be able to reach you, however texting was out of the question. So this year my husband told her that in the case of an emergency she could text us. She argued of course that she couldn't text, but we had been role playing and my husband had an answer to everything she tried to get him to allow her to call or to get him in his old role. After our summer vacation my husband called her and asked her to stop talking about death and dying in my presence because that was hurtful to me. [My mother had died 2 years before after being diagnosed terminally 9 months before. Since then (and while my mother was ill too) the MIL found it entertaining to talk to me about how she was very preoccupied with death and dying, how she suffered, how we had no idea what is was dealing with that, wait til we had her age, we had no idea]. She cold-bloodedly responded to my husband how she couldn't imagine why that would be hurtful to me in any way. (They never even gave their condolences).

The MIL got more and more furious ending in her completely ignoring me when we visited them in September after our vacation. I told my husband, I found this unacceptable. We started talking about what if she ignores me when they come here. My husband told me that he would address this if it happened. So they visited us in December and the MIL ignored me completely when she walked through the doorway, she elaborately greeted my husband, walked past me and then greeted our children in an extremely exaggerated way. My husband looked at me and wanted to confront her. I didn't want a scene in front of our children, so after an excruciating visit (she really was gloating she had pulled it off, or so she thought) they went home. Next evening my husband called her and told her he wanted to talk about her ignoring me. She started excusing and justifying what she did. When that didn't work she plainly told him that he had to accept her as she is, she did what she did and that was it. My husband told her that there wouldn't be that much of a problem if she would behave in a civil way to her DILs, then she hung up and began the silent treatment. Her goal was of course that my husband would be very sorry for his outrageous behaviour of standing up for me and would call her to make amends.

My husband and I agreed that she needed to make amends and that she was the one that needed to initiate contact this time.

'I have a disease and your father is dying!'

The MIL implied to have a heart disease for many years to DH. I found out it was easily treatable high blood pressure instead, when she complained about her medication to DH. A while later, when we visited them, she started complaining again about her heart disease but then realised I knew (I told DH the combination she took wasn’t for the so called heart disease she invented, and he mentioned it to her). DH however still believed she had a heart disease and was telling her to see a cardiologist. She whispered to me, while suggesting he was a little crazy and imagining things, 'I don't have a heart disease'. Why whisper? (I now know. She wanted to keep him under the impression that she had this heart disease while telling me she knew she didn't . Working us both at the same time). Actually just recently (September 2012), she told DH she had had a heart-attack, in the hospital they had told her that she was just a bit dehydrated and that she was in good health. She however knew for sure that she had a heart-attack, she was just waiting for the lab results to prove it. Once again she had DH in rescue mode and could lean back and hear him say what she needed to do, see another doctor, go to another hospital (which she subsequently would never do).

She insinuated to have cancer. She called, on a Sunday, and soon was talking about her health. Saying she was experiencing a sudden weight loss and had no idea what the cause could be. DH started giving advice, saying she should see a doctor. (She really likes him to be in this position, she sort of leans back and enjoys). After a while, she was satisfied and said, 'Oh well, maybe this happened because I have been on a diet for the past three weeks...'.

She suggested to have Alzheimer's disease. Starting a campaign, she was forgetting things, it runs in her family. She didn't remember things she had done or said (how convenient!). Every visit or phone call she gave some hints. This one was getting so obvious that DH actually told her she didn't have Alzheimer's otherwise she wouldn't be talking about it like she did and he would have his father on the phone instead. So she stopped.

MIL let us drive for two hours believing FIL was dying. FIL was at the ICU she said and there wasn't much left they could do for him. DH thought he was going to say goodbye to his father and sat behind the wheel, hyperventilating and in a state of panic. When we arrived, MIL also happened to arrive. When we walked to the hospital entrance, MIL whispered to me (so DH couldn’t hear..). 'Oh by the way, FIL is not in the ICU anymore and he's doing really well, I spoke to him on the phone this morning'. (?!?!). Why not say it out loud, why not tell it to her son immediately. I was stunned. She had called DH earlier that morning when we were already on our way and she said : 'Maybe you shouldn't come with all this fog'. There was no fog, but not a word on his father, she didn't say 'Your father is doing well, so don't worry'. How cruel can you be to your son? She even knew the night before that her husband was doing ok, but suggested to her son his father was dying! Never mind I also happened to be pregnant and our son was just a little baby and there we were, driving for  two hours with my husband in a state of panic behind the wheel. 

Revelations of the holy MIL

The MIL tells it like it is, she tells the TRUTH, it is her character, she cannot do anything about it, it is just the way she is (psst, she's a martyr too).

(I heard someone talk some evil. No you did not. Yes I did).

Some of the revelations my MIL just had to share with me (for my own good):

In the good old days when I still occasionally said something personal while being in the company of the MIL, once upon a day I said something positive about a good friend, something about how funny he is and that we have been friends for a real long time (oops..).

That got the MIL going. So J., this (so-called) friend of yours. You know he'll only flatter you. He will not be honest with you because he's your friend. People who are not your friend wouldn't be that nice to you. They could be trusted to be telling you the truth, because they do not care for/like/know you and wouldn't be biased (are we still on topic here...?). In fact they would be the real friends.

(Hmmm, thanks MIL for telling it like it is, that makes so much sense, I feel so much better now).

(I heard some evil. No you did not. It is the TRUTH. Yes it is!).

Some more revelations of the MIL on how human beings are:

It is easy to be nice. It's much harder not to be nice.

If you have everything you want, it is easy to be nice. If you wouldn't have it all, you wouldn't be nice.

If you have nothing, you would be nice. People who have it all, have no need to be nice.

(I am so happy MIL you have repeated this 100 times for my sake. Some TRUTHs just need to be ingrained don't they, the TRUTH is never easy).

Then a personal revelation of the MIL:

I am not nice. So people do not like me. I have a special character, that's just the way it is, nobody understands me. There are people that are loved but that is because they are likable, they show interest in other people, they care about other people. I don't waste my energy caring about people.  I am just an honest person, I do what I do, so that is why nobody likes me. That is just the way it is. Life is just so easy for people who are not like me. It is so hard to be me, you have no idea. You have to take me as I am.

( Forever grateful MIL for telling me the TRUTH EVIL about people YOU, I was so naive).

3.3 My history with the in-laws: marriage and babies...

I talked with my husband, before our son was born, about how I wanted us to go about visiting. I told him I didn't want anyone there the same day after giving birth or the next day, and no telling the MIL when we were going to the hospital. (In my worst nightmares I envisioned the MIL barging into the hospital or even the delivery room). I told him I wanted no one to visit us for at least the first week. To give us time to recover and rest and get to know and bond with our son. I needed to protect myself. I wanted some peace of mind and privacy. This didn't go well with my husband because he knew, as I did too, that the MIL would insist to come immediately (to take control). So unfortunately he didn't really want to agree on anything. Apparently this was too big a confrontation.

There were some complications when I gave birth to my son, resulting in a huge blood loss on my part, luckily our son was perfectly healthy and doing very well. My husband called his parents, his father was happy and burst into tears, his mother was in a foul mood. The only response the MIL gave was an angry: oh..., before she handed the phone to FIL. Unfortunately we had to stay in the hospital for the next two days and I had an iv to replace the blood loss. It took a long time before the bleeding stopped and I had a heart rate of over a 100 in rest and was unable to walk. I desperately wanted to go home, to be in my own home, the three of us together.  Fortunately the second day a nurse said to me, if you would be able to walk 5 steps today you could go home tomorrow. At the end of the afternoon I managed to do that, holding on to a chair, although I nearly fainted and got very nauseous. So the next day we went home! I was so happy to take our beautiful baby boy home! My husband had to carry me in our home, I couldn't walk, and even that was so exhausting that I was completely out of breath, my heart pounding in my ears.

Then, we were home and the terror began, his mother was frantically calling him, pressuring him they wanted to come immediately. I wanted her toxic presence nowhere near myself or our son, especially now I was so weakened. So I asked my husband to ask them to wait for a week (at least). She didn't take no for an answer. The next morning, very early, the door bell rang, my heart sunk. It could only be them as we had asked all our family and friends not to visit us because of the circumstances. They respected our wishes, were very happy for us having a healthy son and relieved I was recovering. And there they were, the in-laws, disrespecting us, showing up uninvited. I immediately told my husband I didn't want them to come in. I felt like a caged animal, lying in bed, afraid they would come in anyway and barge into our bedroom. However DH let them into the hallway and the nurse that was helping us, showed our son to them briefly and then my husband asked them to go.

Well all hell broke loose when the nurse went away for the day. His mother had been calling and calling again, telling my husband that they were extremely insulted they were not invited into our home. They would never ever come to visit us again. She demanded I would come to their house to say that I was sorry for my evil deed of not letting them in our house. My husband directed all his anger and frustration at me. He too thought that I was the problem, I should have given in. Now his parents were insulted and he would never see them again! The MIL kept pressuring him to come to their house with our son (I was not invited of course). DH really pressured me to let him go see his parents with our son, I refused. I wouldn't let her split us up, literally. She told him, in our family we do not handle things this way (while not at all respecting our boundaries or respecting her son to have his own family or loving him). She told him, your father doesn't respect you anymore (which hit him really really hard).

So DH didn't let them in but was very angry with me, instead of them. In fact all part of the normal dynamics of how he had been raised: You just don't refuse your mother anything, she can do as she pleases and opposing her is the ultimate betrayal. In the end we didn't see them for half a year. However, MIL was never in more frequent contact with DH. Guilt tripping him, playing the victim, bad-mouthing me... She was living her ultimate dream. He was sending her pictures of our son, hearing her out on all her complaints about me. I am a street fighter she told my husband, some women are just too proud to step down. DH delivered all her messages to me, instead of telling her to shut up. He even sent her a home video where I was really happy, singing and dancing with my baby son. I was so angry DH had given such an intimate private home video to his vile and hostile mother, it felt as a huge betrayal. He thought she was entitled to see pictures and movies of our son. Fairly soon after seeing the video the MIL started another campaign, she had read an article on mothers giving too much attention to their children, indulging them, being too positive, this way having a very bad influence on them, blah blah blah.... (what can I say...).

DH nearly begged her for them to come see his son. No she couldn't do that, she wanted to, but his father didn't want to come... (she never ever would let anyone stop her doing what she wants to, so this was a blatant lie). My husband however was deeply hurt by this perceived rejection of his father. His father had never rejected him in such a way. So this could only give the message to DH that he had screwed up beyond forgiveness. The spider in the web was happily controlling all communication. (I wonder oh I wonder what the MIL told his father).

This period in my life has been one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. I never have felt so lonely in my life, it put a terrible pressure on our relationship, it was a period of terrible emotional abuse. It made me feel desperate with no escape. We should have been left alone to enjoy the wonderful experience of having our son, to be able to bond as a new family and then share it with friends and family. To have some peace and rest. Instead the MIL instigated her ultimate power struggle, she didn't care about me, I didn't expect her to. She however also didn't respect or love her son at all, not once. She grabbed the opportunity to make him feel very guilty, to subjugate him. She couldn't even be happy for him at this time of his life. He had just become a father to his beautiful healthy son! He was so happy with his son and wanted to show him to his parents. She did not care, it was all about her. I think this period was a time of great glory and satisfaction for her. She was very much in control of her son's emotions. When I think back one word resonates with me: destruction.

3.2 My history with the in-laws: marriage and babies...

So now the in-laws knew we were expecting a baby...

I wanted us to get married because I wanted all legal things organised before our baby was born. The MIL in the meantime had started her anti-marriage campaign. She started stories about she and her husband being forced to marry when they were expecting their first child (as if they had no free will) and that we were so lucky nowadays that there was absolutely no reason for us to get married and that it would be so terribly old fashioned and ridiculous. In hindsight it is obvious that her biggest fear now was that we would get married.

Every time we saw them she gave me these vile glances which frightened me, while at the same time pretending to be such a caring grandmother-to-be to DH.

One day she called DH and told him, if J. wants to know anything about pregnancy, giving birth etc.., I'm very happy to explain her everything. (Yuck, yuck, yuck ?!?!). DH was very happy with this, in his mind, very endearing gesture of his mother. I thought it was mean, condescending and disgusting.

Another time we went there and she made a real show of some chocolate bonbons she had bought and was parading around on a small silver platter. 'Oh look what I've got here for the babies! The babies (SIL was pregnant too) have got to eat!'. She never once looked me in the eyes and then said, here, eat it, it is for the baby. It gave me a very eerie feeling and later it dawned on me that the covert message she wanted us to have is that she saw us as incubators.

She kept offering me coats because 'the baby needs to stay warm!'. I had a perfectly fit winter coat so there was no need to get another one. She didn't stop however. She offered me dressing gowns, cardigans, old things she found in the attic (and not at all appropriate to wear outdoors). The last time I saw her when I was pregnant she tried to give me a huge men's winter coat, with an enormous moulded patch on it, to replace my winter coat. I do not need a coat I said to her, she looked at me as if I bluntly refused a well-meant personal gift chosen with great care.

DH and I kept talking about marrying and he was very reluctant. He said , well why would we marry, blah blah, what is the need...? While there was an obvious legal need. When I got angry because we didn't have much time left to arrange everything for a wedding he told me that he and his brother had an agreement. In their teens his brother had made him promise that he would never marry, to protect 'the inheritance'. So he couldn't marry because he had this agreement with this brother... I was really bewildered. To cut a long story short, after a lot of hassle we married a month before my due date at the court house with two friends as our witnesses.

DH found it necessary to let them know we were getting married a few days before. He said he felt this was his obligation, I think he wanted their approval in some way. I was afraid she would find out where we would marry and would go there to cause havoc. Needless to say these added worries were not what I needed, my pregnancy had been extremely exhausting in its last months. A few days after the wedding I got a phone call from the MIL when DH was at work. The voice mail was scary (as if she was conducting an inquisition), she congratulated me, in a very cold tone, with my marriage to her son. She told me to call her to talk things through. I didn't do that. I was exhausted and didn't want to have anything to do with her. I had to protect myself the rest of my pregnancy.

(To be continued).

3.1 My history with the in-laws: marriage and babies...

Fast-forward to about 5 years later. The MIL didn't like me but had stopped constantly battling me, at least for a few months... I think she had lulled herself to sleep for one moment and convinced herself that our relationship wouldn't last forever. (I will write about her evil ways during the period in between in a separate post).

We were together for about 7 years when we decided the time was right to have children, if possible for us. We had been talking about if for a year or two then I think. After a while I had a very strong feeling I was pregnant and started testing way too early, I was just too excited to know. The day I knew the pregnancy would be detectable I tested again. My hands were shaking uncontrollably when I checked the test strip and I immediately started crying for joy when I saw it was positive. I couldn't speak at first when I wanted to tell DH, and I was crying so hard, that he thought I had bad news, but I was pregnant! I was so happy and excited :-).

My husband almost immediately wanted to tell his parents. I didn't want to, mostly because I feared this wouldn't bring up the best in the MIL. I wanted to have some peace of mind for us. I wanted us to have time to adjust to the idea that we would have a baby and become parents, without any interference of her. Besides that we didn't know how the pregnancy would develop. We decided to wait for 3 months, mainly because I wanted that, my husband foresaw problems with his mother for not telling her immediately. (As if she was entitled to know it right away).

My pregnancy progressed well and we had the first ultrasound. It was so very touching and beautiful to see our little baby bouncing around. He was already a very busy little guy at only 12 weeks, full of life :-).

After 3 months my husband wanted to call his parents ( I would have rather brought them the news personally). The MIL was very surprised to hear I was already 3 months pregnant at the time they heard, that was the main message.

The first time we saw them, after they had heard the news, was at his brother's house. We were already there before them. My FIL immediately came up to me when they arrived, and congratulated me. He was visibly emotional and very happy and excited with the news. The MIL on the other hand lingered around my husband and didn't come to me. She acted real dramatic to him, 'oh how wonderful...., a baby!!!!', while sideways looking at me but making no effort to come up to me to congratulate me. She obviously wanted me to come to her, I didn't do it. After about 5 awkward minutes she finally came to me, throwing her arms up in the air as if she walked on a stage and was about the receive an Oscar, and then congratulated me but her sullen facial expression said something entirely different. She very well knew the others were all behind her and couldn't see her face.

After a while FIL, DH and his brother went downstairs to do something and my SIL went to the kitchen to prepare dinner and for a moment I was left with her alone. She looked very unhappy, and had a facial expression as if she had just attended a funeral. She started complaining to me about all sorts of (trivial) things that made her suffer (she's a real martyr). I felt a stone in my stomach looking at her. I felt all my energy disappear like snow before the sun. It felt like she wanted to suck all joy and happiness out of me. I escaped her presence by asking my SIL if I could help her.

When we sat down for dinner we showed them the ultrasound sonogram and the MIL held the sonogram above a candle to have a better view (?!?!). It is that I screamed otherwise it would have burnt. She then pulled the sonogram away from the candle and looked at me with this strange smile really savoring she had provoked me while at the same time acting like, 'oh silly me, I didn't realise it was a candle, does a sonogram really burn?'.

(To be continued).

2 My history with the in-laws: meeting the parents...

I almost forgot about ambush No. 2. DH's brother and his girlfriend invited us to have dinner at their place. I didn't know them, we had accidentally met once when they had parked their car near DH's apartment (they lived in another city and rarely visited DH). She was very unfriendly with me and was sizing me up as if I was an opponent to her. I found this invitation kind of strange, but accepted it, then later I declined it last minute. So DH went angrily alone. When he came back he said he was very surprised to find his parents were there too. Making this failed ambush No. 2.

About a year and a half after failed ambush No. 1 at DH's apartment and after some cancelled appointments with the in-laws (I hesitated and was scared to go) we finally agreed a date. MIL insisted it had to be on a Sunday because they never made appointments on Saturdays... I didn't understand this rigid attitude. I didn't want to let this meeting ruin our whole weekend so I asked to meet on a Saturday, so we still had the Sunday to do something fun. This was accepted only very reluctantly.

Saturday afternoon I went to the market and bought some flowers and early in the evening we went, it was a one hour drive from where we lived and we had planned to be there at 7 pm. I felt nauseous going there but I tried keeping my spirits up by saying to myself, she was mad but we're going there now so she must be curious to meet me and try and behave like a normal person would when they welcome someone at their house.

It was dark when we arrived, they have there own road, so there we were in the middle of nowhere. I didn't like to be at such a remote place for this meeting, but what could I do that's where they live. We entered the house, DH had his own keys, we walked through the garage and DH knocked at the door of the living room. FIL opened the door and warmly welcomed us, he shook my hand and told me his name. And there she was, behind him, sitting on the sofa with a very sullen, arrogant, nasty look on her face. Staring at me. She didn't stand up to welcome me, she stayed seated. I had already lifted my arm to shake her hand and walked up to her but she made no effort to do the same.

When she had made it uncomfortable enough she finally shook my hand but didn't say her name. She said, so J. you have finally managed to come here and visit us, on a Saturday, you know that's very inconvenient for us... Unnecessary to say, I fooled myself believing this woman would try and do her best. I gladly would have run out the door that minute, my fright-flight-fight-response was peaking. However I didn't want this woman to get that satisfaction to see that I was afraid. On top of that I was held back by my own beliefs of socially acceptable behaviour with the parents of anyone, including  and probably even more so the parents of my boyfriend. Boundaries by which she was not hindered at all, she didn't give a damn.

She was like a spider in a web that had just caught a fly and was preparing to devour it, taking all the time she needed. So we sat down and she started to talk to me, and talk, and talk, and talk some more. She gave me the third degree. It was torture to be there. It was like the air had frozen and time stood still. All attention was focused on me. She was asking personally intrusive questions I didn't want to answer.  She told me that they were cold-hearted, mean, arrogant people in the region where they come from (huh?!?!). Was I aware of that? They were never friendly with people, did I understand that? She finished each sentence with my name. It was all abhorrent and I felt it was an insult to my intelligence to be talked to like that. FIL and DH were just sitting there watching, while she was constantly glaring at me. I was petrified, literally, I felt myself turn into stone. I really was waiting for someone to throw me a lifeline, it didn't happen...

After at least two hours of this DH finally said, shall we go? Then the MIL had the audacity to gloatingly ask me, and J. was it more enjoyable or less enjoyable than you had imagined? OMG, I had and have never been treated this way, I have never met people who would have behaved this way. I have never had such an unwelcome at someone's house. It was absolutely horrifying how she had behaved. In any other situation I would never have allowed anyone to treat me this way, talk to me this way. I would not have listened to anyone speaking to me this way. I would have told them they were way out of line and would have walked away. But here I was at the house of the parents of my boyfriend in the middle of nowhere. I said to her,  you will always get the same answer to this question, either way, because most people are polite. This gave me the satisfaction of having gotten around answering this ridiculous question.

When we were walking out the door she stopped me and she asked me, do you want these cakes to take home with you. I imagine she was trying to impersonate a friendly person and thought that after this mind blowing session with her I would fall for that. I was so fed up with it that I didn't want to answer. What did I care, cakes, are you crazy? The only thing I thought was, get out of my way, I'm leaving. Then she said, J. you should be an honest person, it is very important in life to be honest, do you want them or not? (What?!?! You're giving me a life lesson?!?! You are talking about honesty?!?!). The only thing I wanted to say was, no FY (excusez le mot) very much.

We drove home and I felt so so angry and horrified. I felt extremely insulted, mistreated and humiliated. I was angry with myself that I had let this woman trap me. I also felt very angry with DH because he just sat there and didn't come to my rescue. He said, you never have to see my parents again (as if that would resolve anything with this harassing woman).

To top it off, when we got home, she called DH and told him that I had behaved in a very hostile fashion and that she was very insulted by that. HAHAHAHA, welcome to crazy town where everything is upside down!

In fact, this was ambush No. 3: she got me cornered, mission accomplished (for now)....

(To be continued).

1 My history with the in-laws: how it all started...

I would like to tell you about how it all started.

DH and I fell in love with each other. After dating for a few months, he told his parents about us.

His mother told him that she would like to meet me. I told DH that I wanted to wait for a while because we were only just together and I wanted to take it slow, not involving family until we got to know each other better. We were after all in the beginning of our relationship didn't know where it would go at that moment and I thought it was way to early to go and meet his family. This was not my first relationship and I didn't want to rush anything. I felt that when it was the appropriate time to meet the family we would meet them.

Fairly soon the drama started. His mother started calling frantically, screaming, yelling, crying. She told DH that this was not the way to deal with it. She demanded my presence at their house within two weeks and if I didn't show up I would never be welcome there again. She kept calling and calling, constantly pressuring him to take me with him on one of his visits. It really frightened and bewildered me. I had no idea what to do, except for one thing and that was that I wasn't going to give in to her demands.

One of those times she managed to get me on the phone. She asked me, 'and J., what do you think, could you manage to visit us this Sunday? Because J, we think that you should really come to our house this Sunday'. She turned her voice real sugar-like but it was dripping with venom. I was stupefied, I didn't know what to say. My insecurity really pleased her. She took her time and really enjoyed to hear me stumble. It was like a cat-and-mouse game to her.

Not very much later on a Sunday morning, we were both still students and not living together, his mother called him at 8.30 am and woke us up, telling him they were in town and wanted him to go with them to a museum (8.30 am!!). He told them he would take a shower and meet them at the museum. He went to take a shower and only two minutes later I heard the door bell ringing first in his room then at his neighbour's, I heard his neighbour say, 'ok, I'll open the door for you'. My heart started pounding, I realised it was them and they could be in his room within a minute. I rushed to get some clothes on and went downstairs to the shower. Through the glass door to the apartment I saw two people storming up the stairs and I luckily just missed them. I knocked on the door of the shower and told DH I thought his parents were in his room right now. I was shaking and my heart was racing because of all the adrenaline pumping through my body. I felt like an animal being hunted down. DH went upstairs to see them and managed to get them out the door.

His mother told him, 'Why is this woman hiding from me!'. She really felt like a hunter I guess. She had acted all innocent saying they hadn't realised I would be there until they saw my clothes... Of course I knew she had only done this to force a meeting with me, in fact to ambush me and catch me in a vulnerable state.

I was shocked by this event. I felt frightened, hunted down, unsafe and very angry.

(To be continued).