Shifting from defensive power to non-defensive power

I heard a few times that I responded defensively which was logical since I was attacked but this was not leading to any improvement for myself or the situation I'm in. I knew I had to work on this and find a solution to overstep the defensiveness and communicate in another way without feeling I had to resort to one of the other inadequate ways of coping such as appeasing, ignoring, forgiving etc.. I also knew that it was really important for myself to set healthy boundaries, but the 'how to' was something I could really use some sound help with because I want it to be constructive and helpful for the long term.

When I searched for non-defensive communication I came across the website of Sharon Strand Ellison: Institute for Powerful Non-Defensive Communication Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

It was really interesting to read and I decided to order her book: 'Taking the war out of the words' (Table of contents). I'm really excited to start reading the book as soon as I receive it. From all the reviews I read and the information on the website it sounds as a really useful book with lots of examples. And I need examples!

In the meantime I have read the book and it is a great guide to non-defensive communication, if you find that you're defending yourself a lot when communicating with others and don't know how to break this cycle, here's you're guide!



Want to get an idea of the non-defensive communication style? In the following videos Sharon Ellison explains shifting from defensive power to non-defensive power:



Making powerful statements without having to convince anyone to agree:



Setting limits that work:



Check youtube for her other videos.

Stress and coping skills

The following can serve to identify any negative coping skills you are using to deal with stress. You can start dealing with stress in a more constructive positive way by replacing negative coping skills with positive coping skills and you can use this list to reference to in times when stress gets high to ensure you make your life better by doing good things for yourself. The text is adapted from Stress coping skills

Negative Coping Skills

• Alcohol (Drink to change your mood. Use alcohol as your friend)
• Denial (Pretend nothing is wrong. Lie. Ignore the problem)
• Drug Use (Abuse coffee/aspirin/medications.)
• Fault finding (Have a judgmental attitude. Complain. Criticize.)
• Illness (Develop headaches/nervous stomach/major illness. Become accident-prone.)
• Indulging (Stay up late, sleep in. Buy on impulse. Waste time.)
• Passivity (Hope it gets better. Procrastinate. Wait for lucky break)
• Revenge (Get even. Be sarcastic. Talk mean)
• Stubbornness (Be rigid. Demand your way. Refuse to be wrong.)
• Tantrums (Yell, mope, pout, swear. Drive recklessly)
• Food (Binging. Go on a diet. Use food to console yourself.)
• Smoking (Smoke to relieve tension.)
• Withdraw (Avoid the situation. Skip school or work. Keep feelings to self.)
• Worrying (Fret over things. Imagine the worse)

Positive Coping Skills

Diversions:

• Breathing (Breathing is the easiest to learn and provides the fastest results!)
• Getaways (Spend time alone. See a movie. Daydream.)
• Hobbies (Write. Paint. Remodel. Create something.)
• Learning (Take a class. Read. Join a club.)
• Music (Play a instrument. Sing. Listen to your stereo.)
• Play (play a game. Goof off. Go out with friends.)
• Work (Tackle a new project. Keep busy. Volunteer.)
• Laughing
• Hugs
• Pets 

Family:

• Balancing (Balance time at work and home. Accept the good and the bad.)
• Conflict Resolution (Look for win/win solutions.)
• Esteem Building ( Build good Family feelings. Focus on personal strengths.)
• Flexibility ( Take on a new Family roles. Stay open to change.)
• Networking (Developing friendships with other families. Make use of the community resources.)
• Togetherness (Take time to be together. Build family traditions. Express affection.)

Body:
Along with improving your ability to relax, you must assess diet and other strains on your body.

• Exercise (Pursue physical fitness, job, swim, dance, or walk. Aerobic exercise can reduce anxiety up to 50%)
• Good nutrition (a well balanced diet will improve your ability to appropriately respond to stress.)
• Sleep (Get an adequate amount of rest each night.)
• Caffeine (Reducing caffeine intake will help you manage your anxiety. 2 ½ cups of coffee doubles the epinephrine level).

Interpersonal:

• Affirmation (Believe in yourself. Trust others. Give compliments.)
• Assertiveness (State your needs and wants. Say "no" respectfully.)
• Contact (Make new friends. Touch. Really listen to others.)
• Limits (Accept other's boundaries. Drop some involvement.)
• Linking (Share problems with others. Ask for support from family and friends.)

Mental:

• Imagination (Look for the humor. Anticipate the future.)
• Life planning (set clear goals. Plan for the future.)
• Organizing (Take charge. Make order. Don't let things pile up.)
• Problem Solving (Solve it yourself. Seek outside help. Tackle problems.)
• Relabeling (Change perspectives. Look for good in a bad situation.)
• Time Management ( Focus on top priorities. Work smarter.)

Physical:

• Biofeedback (Listen to your body. Know your physical limitations.) 
• Exercise (Pursue physical fitness. Jog, swim, dance, or walk.)
• Nourishment (Eat for health. Limit the use alcohol.)
• Relaxation (Tense and relax each muscles. Take a warm bath. breath deeply.)
• Self-Care (Energize your work and play. Strive for self-improvement.)
• Stretching (take short stretch breaks through out your day.)

Spiritual:

• Commitment (Take up a worthy cause. Say "yes." Invest yourself meaningfully.
• Faith (Find purpose and meaning.) 
• Be grateful (Write down 5 things every day for which you are grateful).
• Surrender (Let go of problems. Learn to live with situations. Start meditating.)
• Valuing (Set priorities. Be consistent. Spend time and energy wisely).

The above are techniques that are reliable stress relievers without the negative side effects. These skills can be used over and over again for a variety of stressful situations.

When he's married to mom: mother-enmeshed men

In the meantime I decided to do some research again and came across a book I had read about before: 'When he's married to mom' by Kenneth M. Adams. Since the reviews were interesting I ordered the book. It was an interesting read, probably good to read it together with 'Toxic parents' by Susan Forward. The great thing about the book by Adams is that it specifically deals with the dynamics between a mother and son and addresses the problems that arise when the mother uses her son as an extension of herself and/or a surrogate husband, and when she views her son's girlfriend/wife as competition. When you feel your husband is married to his mother instead of you or has an unhealthy relationship with her, read this book, check the reviews on amazon to decide if this book would be helpful for you. I found the book Relationship Rescue very helpful as a guide to rebuilding my relationship with my husband, Dr Phil's says it's the husband who needs to manage his parents not the wife and vice versa. Taking a good honest look at yourself won't hurt either, build your strength from the inside out with guidance of Dr. Phil by reading and doing the exercises in his book Self Matters, this book has helped me gain many insights in where I was stuck myself and how I coud move forward.





By the way, at first being appalled by the title, after reading 'When he's married to mom' my husband thinks this is a great book. He said that there were some really interesting insights in this book. And I think it may have helped him finally setting boundaries with his mother.

While dealing with these difficult relationships, learn how to relax here: Helping yourself relax! Mindfulness and Poweryoga.

Subsequently I searched the internet for the term 'mother-enmeshed men' (used in the book) and found some really interesting texts that set off some bells ringing.

The following text is written by Oliver J.R. Cooper:
Mother-enmeshed men, what causes it

Mother Enmeshed Men: What Causes It?

When it comes to understanding what enmeshment is, it helps to look at what boundaries are. Boundaries are what create a sense of individuality between people. And although we are all physically separate, it does not mean that we are emotionally separate from another person. This becomes what is known as enmeshment, here one will look physically separate, but emotionally they will feel attached to the other person. One will feel that they have no boundaries between them and as a result that their not an individual.
So when it comes to mother enmeshed men, it is describing a man who is emotionally entangled to their mother. While it is true that they may live in a different house or a different part of the country; the emotional cord has not been cut.

A Choice

In a functional relationship with boundaries the emotional connection will be choice and what one has chosen. When it comes to an enmeshed relationship, it doesn’t feel that one has a choice and that they are enslaved to the other person. And for the mother enmeshed man it is a feeling of having no sense of self; other than an identity that is based on being attached to their mother.

Two Emotions

What this experience often creates is two powerful emotions, these are anger and guilt. On one side there is the anger at feeling as though one has to do what their mother says and can’t say no. And on the other side there is the guilt that is felt if one were to say no or was to think about saying no to the mother. This can create a feeling of being emotionally trapped; because based on these two options, it won’t lead to a sense of peace or empowerment. One can easily end up in a cycle of going through these two extremes time and time again. The anger can be amped up and turn to rage and may alternate between the two. And the guilt can also become shame and betrayal.

A Sense Of Self

By not being able to say no and to stand up for oneself, the man is caught between these two primary emotions. And this is largely due to the mother enmeshed man not knowing that he is a separate individual.
His mothers wants, needs and desires, are not seen as separate from him. Where he begins and ends and where his mother begins and ends: is unclear to him. This then leads to him feeling responsible to his mother.

Responsible
How his mothers feels is then his responsibility and something he needs to take care off. Her wellbeing is something that he has to look after. And what this also means is that his wellbeing and his own needs, wants and desires are often denied and ignored. So being responsible for himself is then overlooked and his boundaries will end up being constantly crossed. And as a result of extending himself for his mother, a natural consequence is being exhausted.

Love

On the surface this sounds completely dysfunctional and doesn’t make any logical sense. And one of the biggest reasons that this behaviour is occurring is due the mothers enmeshed mans association of what love is. To his unconscious mind, this is what love means to him.

Familiar

At a conscious level it is only creating: pain, struggle, conflict and suffering. But to the ego mind this is being associated as familiar and therefore what is safe. The reason it is familiar is due to it being how their mother treated them as a child. As a result of those early experiences being played out thousands of times, it is no wonder that its affect is so strong on a fully grown man.

Childhood

In a functional upbringing a child would be recognised as a separate individual; with their own needs, wants and preferences for example. For this to happen, the caregiver would have to have good boundaries themselves and to see that it is not down to the child to take care of their needs. However, if the caregiver is unaware of the child being separate, as a result of having no boundaries themselves, it will be more of less impossible to treat the child as a separate being. And by the caregiver being needy and emotionally undeveloped the child will be used for this purpose. The way that the caregiver acts, is more than likely how they were brought up. And as a result of not being aware; are playing out the same pattern.

Role Reversal

So what this leads to is the roles being reversed. Instead of the mother taking care of the child's development, the child ends up taking care of the mothers unmet needs. The process of separating then doesn’t happen and instead of boundaries being formed, enmeshment is what remains. Part of the reason for this process is often down to having a father that is either physically or emotionally absent.

Undeserved Loyalty

What this early conditioning creates is an undeserved loyalty to the mother. As the ego mind associates the whole experience as being what love is, it creates a kind of compulsive need to please the mother.
In reality the mother used the child for her own benefit and only harmed the child's development. And because the separation didn’t occur all those years ago, ones ego can associate separating as being equal to death. This means that overwhelming fear can be triggered were one to separate: with feelings of emptiness, abandonment and rejection surfacing.

Consequences

There are many consequences that can be created from this early dynamic. Having problems with boundaries has already been mentioned. Experiencing a sense of self control will also be very difficult. Another likely issue here is with intimate relationships. Through still being emotionally connected to ones mother it can be a real challenge to let in another woman. This is because ones mother is still number one and were one to go with another women there may be feelings of betrayal and guilt that arise. Here one may go for women who they are not completely attracted to, so that they won’t have to emotionally leave their mother. And these feelings are not rational; they are based on the ego minds dysfunctional associations. There can be a tendency to attract women that are similar and this means that one will re-enact the same role. And therefore end up creating the same internal experiences. It can just as easily create a fear of intimacy; with ones ego mind associating intimacy to mean being smothered and overwhelmed. As this was how it was with their mother. The unprocessed wounds can also be projected onto others. Due to only being loved through what they did and not for who they were, it is inevitable that one’s self worth is going to be affected. And based on what one does for others and not for who one is. One may also feel completely cut off from their inner world. And generally unaware of what their thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations are. Along with this could be a disconnection to ones: needs, wants and desires. This could then result in a feeling of having no personal power.

Awareness

This article has covered the basic dynamics of enmeshment and some of the consequences. To the degree that one has been affected by this, will define what actions need to be taken. The first thing is to be aware that such a challenge exists. To deny the existence of something will not change it and can lead to it getting worse. In recent years awareness has increased around this area and this has lead to more progress being made. This is not only limited to men and can affect women in similar ways.
Reading a book and going over what they suggest may be enough for some men and for others it may require some serious therapy. What matters is that something is done to put an end to this dysfunctional attachment.

Another great article can be found here:

Mogul mothers, suppressed sons ©2010 H. Hiatt/wildninja.wordpress.com

Thank you Albert :-)

"Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction." 

Albert Einstein

What to tell the children if there is no contact with the grandparents?

When there is no contact with the grandparents...


We went sort of no contact with the in-laws after the MIL ignored me completely during two visits last year. I say sort of because my husband doesn't want to see it this way. After her extremely rude behaviour to me, which resulted from my husband setting some simple boundaries with her, my husband called her and addressed her behaviour, she first excused it, then said that it was just the way she was and he needed to accept that and then hung up on him (start December). We agreed that my husband wouldn't call her back and that the ball was in her court now, she needed to apologise and make an effort to right the wrongs she had done. She never called, until the 3rd of January, FIL called my husband at his work and wished him a Happy New Year, then MIL sneaked on the phone, the conversation lasted 25 seconds. My husband was in tears when he told me of the phone call. They didn't address the situation, ignored everything and hung up. Now with my daughter's birthday approaching I expected trouble, and yes there it was, the MIL called last week to ask if they were allowed to send presents for our daughter, behaving very emotional, asking if we wouldn't leave the presents on the doorstep (boohoo...). My husband then said to her he needed to discuss this with me (in my opinion telling her that he was ok with it but he needed to ask me).  Ugh. Well I said to my husband, text her (we have a no-calling-the-MIL agreement) and tell her it is up to her, we are not going to be lured to say yes or no. My husband then said to me he had texted his father. Now more than a week later it comes out that he has texted his father that it was ok for them to send presents, that we won't leave them on the doorstep and that 'you can come and bring them'. So he even invites them! He told me that his father would understand he only invited him, well I doubt it. Then FIL emailed him that the present was mailed but that unfortunately due to being very busy with his work it was impossible to come (too busy...).  I was stupefied and felt really betrayed by my husband doing all this behind my back. Apparently he pretends to understand me for a while but when push comes to shove he falls for the same trick over and over again. He told me, well if they want to do something nice for the children, who am I to stop them... Giving way to the MIL to play her favourite game: divide and conquer. In my opinion telling her, it is ok for you to ignore my wife as long as you're nice to the children, you can even have access to them. So we had a nice few days after this discovery, I can tell you. Anyway I got it back together and the present will not be given to our daughter, still contemplating what to do with it. I think I will store it in the attic til I know, there's no rush.

I found the following excerpt, taken from an excellent article written by Renee Pittelli, which pretty much says how I feel about the whole situation:

http://www.luke173ministries.org/466829:
No “outsider” should be permitted the right or the power to intrude into a family unit of parents and children and cause any kind of conflict or conflicted loyalties, tension, confusion, disharmony, or upset. No one has “rights” to a child who isn’t theirs. Many abusers don’t really love the grandkids, but are simply using them to punish or get at their victim. If she truly wants her grandkids in her life, the abuser can always start by apologising to their mother for the abuse, and by treating her with love and respect from then on. The reality is that if you truly want a good relationship with someone else’s children, then you need to be prepared to also have a good relationship with their parents, and to do whatever it takes to relate to the child’s immediate family as a whole and in a positive manner.

I talked with a coach and he said (when I said I didn't want to be dishonest with my children about the whole situation), tell it to your children in an age-appropriate way that they won't be seeing grandparents anytime soon because they have been mean to mom and dad. Tell them, we don't allow people to treat us like this and we don't allow them in our house (or will be going there) until they apologise and show for a longer period of time that their behaviour has changed. So I have a pretty good idea of what to tell our children, and will keep it really simple. I only have to think about when to tell them (preferentially with my husband there but if he refuses I will do it on my own), I don't want anymore attention to the grandparents at the moment so I'll leave it for a while, there's no rush here either. If they ask about the grandparents, I'll tell them why.

Emotional abuse

I found the following informative post on emotional abusive relationships, this might be helpful to anyone dealing with abusive in-laws and their impact on your spouse and your relationship or just as a general resource on what constitutes emotional abuse. Educate and help yourself :-)!

(found here: http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168 © 2007 by the Board of Trustees of the University of Illinois.)

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10).

Types of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing.

Aggressing

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships.

Denying

Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ etc.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.”
Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of themselves and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from their own.

Minimizing

Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Understanding Abusive Relationships

No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints, and validate your own feelings and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even comfortable to you, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically, abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings and self-perceptions.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, especially those with family members and other significant people, is a first step toward change. A lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways. For example, you may act as an “abuser” in some instances and as a “recipient” in others. You may find that you tend to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you. In friendships, however, you may play the role of abuser by withholding, manipulating, trying to “help” others, etc. Knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life.
Are You Abusive to Yourself?

Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as “I’m stupid” or “I never do anything right” dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

Basic Rights in a Relationship

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:

• The right to good will from the other.
• The right to emotional support.
• The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
• The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
• The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
• The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
• The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
• The right to live free from accusation and blame.
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
• The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
• The right to encouragement.
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
• The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
• The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

What can you do?

If you recognize yourself or your relationships, you may wish to: Educate yourself about emotionally abusive relationships. 

Two excellent resources include:

• Engel, Beverly, M.F.C.C. The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992.
• Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Holbrook, Massachusetts: Bob Adams, Inc., 1992.

Consider seeing a mental health professional. A counselor can help you understand the impact of an emotionally abusive relationship. A counselor can also help you learn healthier ways of relating to others and caring for your own needs.

Response of a bully when held accountable

When your mother in-law (or father in-law) is a bully/ narcissist/ nasty person you're likely to spot the following behaviour:

(written by Tim Field, http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm)

When called to account for the way they have chosen to behave, the bully instinctively exhibits this recognisable behavioural response:


a) Denial: the bully denies everything. Variations include Trivialization ("This is so trivial it's not worth talking about...") and the Fresh Start tactic ("I don't know why you're so intent on dwelling on the past" and "Look, what's past is past, I'll overlook your behaviour and we'll start afresh") - this is an abdication of responsibility by the bully and an attempt to divert and distract attention by using false conciliation. Imagine if this line of defence were available to all criminals ("Look I know I've just murdered 12 people but that's all in the past, we can't change the past, let's put it behind us, concentrate on the future so we can all get on with our lives" - this would do wonders for prison overcrowding).

b) Retaliation: the bully counterattacks. The bully quickly and seamlessly follows the denial with an aggressive counter-attack of counter-criticism or counter-allegation, often based on distortion or fabrication. Lying, deception, duplicity, hypocrisy and blame are the hallmarks of this stage. The purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for their behaviour. Often the target is tempted - or coerced - into giving another long explanation to prove the bully's allegation false; by the time the explanation is complete, everybody has forgotten the original question.

Both a) and b) are delivered with aggression in the guise of assertiveness; in fact there is no assertiveness (which is about recognising and respecting the rights of oneself and others) at all. Note that explanation - of the original question - is conspicuous by its absence.

c) Feigning victimhood: in the unlikely event of denial and counter-attack being insufficient, the bully feigns victimhood or feigns persecution by manipulating people through their emotions, especially guilt. This commonly takes the form of bursting into tears, which most people cannot handle. Variations include indulgent self-pity, feigning indignation, pretending to be "devastated", claiming they're the one being bullied or harassed, claiming to be "deeply offended", melodrama, martyrdom ("If it wasn't for me...") and a poor-me drama ("You don't know how hard it is for me ... blah blah blah ..." and "I'm the one who always has to...", "You think you're having a hard time ...", "I'm the one being bullied..."). Other tactics include manipulating people's perceptions to portray themselves as the injured party and the target as the villain of the piece. Or presenting as a false victim. Sometimes the bully will suddenly claim to be suffering "stress" and go off on long-term sick leave, although no-one can quite establish why. Alleged ill-health can also be a useful vehicle for gaining attention and sympathy. For suggestions on how to counter this see the advice on the FAQ page.

By using this response, the bully is able to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for what they have said or done. It is a pattern of behaviour learnt by about the age of 3; most children learn or are taught to grow out of this, but some are not and by adulthood, this avoidance technique has been practised to perfection.

A further advantage of the denial/counter-attack/feigning victimhood strategy is that it acts as a provocation. The target, who may have taken months to reach this stage, sees their tormentor getting away with it and is provoked into an angry and emotional outburst after which the bully says simply "There, I told you s/he was like that". Anger is one of the mechanisms by which bullies (and all abusers) control their targets. By tapping in to and obtaining an inappropriate release of pent-up anger the bully plays their master stroke and casts their victim as villain.

Some books with tips on how to deal with bullies:

2012 Starting to change

After a horrendous Christmas vacation in 2011. DH didn't mention his parents and I didn't either. I wanted him to mention it himself if he wanted us to do something with them for Christmas. I in the meantime arranged to make a Christmas dinner for my grandmother at her home. DH was really mad, however he didn't arrange anything. He called his mother after Christmas and she mentioned they were alone and bored. That was enough for my husband to ignore me for 5 days. I asked my husband during these days if something was the matter, he said nothing was wrong. So he played a game with me, he was in fact giving me the silent treatment and was fogging me all along. After a few days I was at my wits' end. I felt desperate and very lonely. I screamed at my husband that I was done with it. I was not going to live like this anymore, with him treating me that way. He got what he wanted, he was satisfied that I blew up. He had punished me for my 'misbehaviour'.

I was fuming for about two weeks and then in January I started looking for specific help with in-laws, I ended up finding a book and then a forum. This forum has greatly helped me, it helped me realise I wasn't the only one dealing with such crazy in-laws. And not the only one with a husband that tolerated almost anything and remained in the role of a little child when it came to his parents. An otherwise capable man, having a good job, a great father and responsible. There was a blame game going on which was directed at me. You're too sensitive. You're an adult you should know how to deal with people you don't get along with. I never had problems with my parents. You're a troublemaker. My mother has a problem with you, so you should work it out with her, I don't want to be in the middle. And much more. Posting on the forum and reading the stories of others gave me a much needed confirmation that I wasn't the crazy one. In dealing with crazy people normal people sometimes start doubting their own sanity, that what I was at the verge of doing anyway. I had been dealing with a crazy sociopath for about 15 years.

It was time for a change. I wasn't going to let this crazy, mean, nasty, vile woman rule my world or that of my children. I told my husband it was time for a change. I wasn't going to accept the behaviour and intrusion of the MIL anymore. I found the book Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward and started reading. This book was what I needed, I got a lot of validation for my feelings and for what I had been dealing with. Much needed, because no one should deal with such problems on their own. Isolation is always in favour of the abuser. I would recommend this book to anyone. When my husband first saw the book, he wasn't too happy. He called it a rubbish book (he found the title really provocative and took offense), anyway he ended up reading the book and now calls it a great book. It probably has helped him too, seeing that he is not the only one with a mother like his.

The book was a starting point for me to convince my husband we needed to set boundaries. He started with telling his mother she needed to buy the presents for our children and not expect him to do it instead of her. This was a game she played every year, and oh glory when she succeeded in convincing him to buy the presents. I always prevented it but that didn't matter to her, she just wanted to show she could pull the strings if she wanted to. So she wasn't too happy when she didn't succeed this time, not even when she told him, 'so you don't care about me'. The next thing was, no more phone calls during our holidays. When we went on a vacation, my husband was obliged to call her every few days and leave all the details of the places we stayed such a s phone number and address. Everything under the guise of, what if something terrible happens (or I'll die of a heart-attack when I don't know exactly where you are), we need to be able to reach you, however texting was out of the question. So this year my husband told her that in the case of an emergency she could text us. She argued of course that she couldn't text, but we had been role playing and my husband had an answer to everything she tried to get him to allow her to call or to get him in his old role. After our summer vacation my husband called her and asked her to stop talking about death and dying in my presence because that was hurtful to me. [My mother had died 2 years before after being diagnosed terminally 9 months before. Since then (and while my mother was ill too) the MIL found it entertaining to talk to me about how she was very preoccupied with death and dying, how she suffered, how we had no idea what is was dealing with that, wait til we had her age, we had no idea]. She cold-bloodedly responded to my husband how she couldn't imagine why that would be hurtful to me in any way. (They never even gave their condolences).

The MIL got more and more furious ending in her completely ignoring me when we visited them in September after our vacation. I told my husband, I found this unacceptable. We started talking about what if she ignores me when they come here. My husband told me that he would address this if it happened. So they visited us in December and the MIL ignored me completely when she walked through the doorway, she elaborately greeted my husband, walked past me and then greeted our children in an extremely exaggerated way. My husband looked at me and wanted to confront her. I didn't want a scene in front of our children, so after an excruciating visit (she really was gloating she had pulled it off, or so she thought) they went home. Next evening my husband called her and told her he wanted to talk about her ignoring me. She started excusing and justifying what she did. When that didn't work she plainly told him that he had to accept her as she is, she did what she did and that was it. My husband told her that there wouldn't be that much of a problem if she would behave in a civil way to her DILs, then she hung up and began the silent treatment. Her goal was of course that my husband would be very sorry for his outrageous behaviour of standing up for me and would call her to make amends.

My husband and I agreed that she needed to make amends and that she was the one that needed to initiate contact this time.

'I have a disease and your father is dying!'

The MIL implied to have a heart disease for many years to DH. I found out it was easily treatable high blood pressure instead, when she complained about her medication to DH. A while later, when we visited them, she started complaining again about her heart disease but then realised I knew (I told DH the combination she took wasn’t for the so called heart disease she invented, and he mentioned it to her). DH however still believed she had a heart disease and was telling her to see a cardiologist. She whispered to me, while suggesting he was a little crazy and imagining things, 'I don't have a heart disease'. Why whisper? (I now know. She wanted to keep him under the impression that she had this heart disease while telling me she knew she didn't . Working us both at the same time). Actually just recently (September 2012), she told DH she had had a heart-attack, in the hospital they had told her that she was just a bit dehydrated and that she was in good health. She however knew for sure that she had a heart-attack, she was just waiting for the lab results to prove it. Once again she had DH in rescue mode and could lean back and hear him say what she needed to do, see another doctor, go to another hospital (which she subsequently would never do).

She insinuated to have cancer. She called, on a Sunday, and soon was talking about her health. Saying she was experiencing a sudden weight loss and had no idea what the cause could be. DH started giving advice, saying she should see a doctor. (She really likes him to be in this position, she sort of leans back and enjoys). After a while, she was satisfied and said, 'Oh well, maybe this happened because I have been on a diet for the past three weeks...'.

She suggested to have Alzheimer's disease. Starting a campaign, she was forgetting things, it runs in her family. She didn't remember things she had done or said (how convenient!). Every visit or phone call she gave some hints. This one was getting so obvious that DH actually told her she didn't have Alzheimer's otherwise she wouldn't be talking about it like she did and he would have his father on the phone instead. So she stopped.

MIL let us drive for two hours believing FIL was dying. FIL was at the ICU she said and there wasn't much left they could do for him. DH thought he was going to say goodbye to his father and sat behind the wheel, hyperventilating and in a state of panic. When we arrived, MIL also happened to arrive. When we walked to the hospital entrance, MIL whispered to me (so DH couldn’t hear..). 'Oh by the way, FIL is not in the ICU anymore and he's doing really well, I spoke to him on the phone this morning'. (?!?!). Why not say it out loud, why not tell it to her son immediately. I was stunned. She had called DH earlier that morning when we were already on our way and she said : 'Maybe you shouldn't come with all this fog'. There was no fog, but not a word on his father, she didn't say 'Your father is doing well, so don't worry'. How cruel can you be to your son? She even knew the night before that her husband was doing ok, but suggested to her son his father was dying! Never mind I also happened to be pregnant and our son was just a little baby and there we were, driving for  two hours with my husband in a state of panic behind the wheel. 

Thought of the day

You are not alone

I was thinking why I like this song. I find it comforting. Why? It is always good to know that you're not alone.  When I first started searching the internet I came across a lot that was, to say the  least, discouraging. It really is a jungle out there (with a lot of crazy people). Luckily, I also found very good and inspiring blogs, blogs that are writing about things in a way that I can relate to. Reading the stories of others has certainly helped and inspired me to continue on my own path, doing what I feel is right. I hope I can help others too by sharing my story and posting helpful resources on this blog :-).

R.E.M - Everybody Hurts

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you've had too much
Of this life, well hang on

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand, oh no

Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts
You are not alone

Revelations of the holy MIL

The MIL tells it like it is, she tells the TRUTH, it is her character, she cannot do anything about it, it is just the way she is (psst, she's a martyr too).

(I heard someone talk some evil. No you did not. Yes I did).

Some of the revelations my MIL just had to share with me (for my own good):

In the good old days when I still occasionally said something personal while being in the company of the MIL, once upon a day I said something positive about a good friend, something about how funny he is and that we have been friends for a real long time (oops..).

That got the MIL going. So J., this (so-called) friend of yours. You know he'll only flatter you. He will not be honest with you because he's your friend. People who are not your friend wouldn't be that nice to you. They could be trusted to be telling you the truth, because they do not care for/like/know you and wouldn't be biased (are we still on topic here...?). In fact they would be the real friends.

(Hmmm, thanks MIL for telling it like it is, that makes so much sense, I feel so much better now).

(I heard some evil. No you did not. It is the TRUTH. Yes it is!).

Some more revelations of the MIL on how human beings are:

It is easy to be nice. It's much harder not to be nice.

If you have everything you want, it is easy to be nice. If you wouldn't have it all, you wouldn't be nice.

If you have nothing, you would be nice. People who have it all, have no need to be nice.

(I am so happy MIL you have repeated this 100 times for my sake. Some TRUTHs just need to be ingrained don't they, the TRUTH is never easy).

Then a personal revelation of the MIL:

I am not nice. So people do not like me. I have a special character, that's just the way it is, nobody understands me. There are people that are loved but that is because they are likable, they show interest in other people, they care about other people. I don't waste my energy caring about people.  I am just an honest person, I do what I do, so that is why nobody likes me. That is just the way it is. Life is just so easy for people who are not like me. It is so hard to be me, you have no idea. You have to take me as I am.

( Forever grateful MIL for telling me the TRUTH EVIL about people YOU, I was so naive).

For the Birds

Watch and enjoy :-).

What fear can teach us: Karen Thompson Walker

Found this inspirational talk, food for thought :-).

You have rights, in case you forgot!

I have been reading a book written by Susan Forward called Toxic In-Laws.

This book has been very helpful in validating my feelings, in helping me see through the FOG, relentlessly created by my MIL. The MIL has been campaigning against me, overtly as well as covertly. The bottom line has always been: 'you don't have any right' (you're an intruder, I don't want you here). In her vision I didn't have the right to see things differently (.......), I didn't have the right to have an adult relationship with my husband (he was first and foremost HER son). We were just playing house as far as she was concerned, never mind our age. I didn't have the right to say no (I did). I had to answer every question she asked me, no matter how intrusive (I did not). In addition there were her relentless campaigns against me, her insinuations, her dismissive behaviour, the character assassination, the criticising by giving unsolicited advice, often if not mostly using my husband as a pawn in the process. Expecting to be put first, always and forever, just because in her mind she's THE mother... I did not adopt her vision of life or her vision of me but is has been exhausting having to deal with her. It just drains you no matter what. Emotional abuse, is abuse, it wears you down. It is insidious.

I of course do know I have rights but sometimes you just need (I did!!) to have it in writing and to have someone else stating it clearly for you. To have someone else validate you're not asking for anything crazy! These are just your basic rights! Read them and take them to heart! Empower yourself.


The following is from Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward:

'You have the right:

• To protect your own physical and emotional health
• To be treated with respect
• To express your own beliefs, feelings, opinions, convictions, values and traditions.
• To get angry.
• To raise your children without interference.
• To make mistakes.
• To change your mind.
• To have time with your own parents, partner, and children, independent of your in-laws.
• To be taken seriously.

• To work with your partner to set the guidelines for your household and have them honoured.
• To ask your partner for help and support with in-law problems.
• To protest to your partner when your in-laws are causing you unhappiness or being overly critical, controlling or otherwise difficult.
• To expect your partner to put you first.
• To ask your partner to join you in some kind of counselling if things get really bad between you.

• To say no to the in-laws.
• To disagree with the in-laws
• To not love the the in-laws.
• To set limits on how much time you spend with the in-laws

• To let the in-laws know when they have hurt, offended, or mistreated you*.
• To ask the the in-laws to stay out of problems between you and your partner*.
• To ask for what you would like from the in-laws*.
• To take an active part in decisions about how the holidays and other special occasions are celebrated*'.

A few personal notes to the last 4 statements above. Some of the 'things to do' are not applicable in case you're dealing with narcissists:

* When you're dealing with narcissistic in-laws it is probably not very smart to let them know when they have hurt, offended or mistreated you! You would be giving them feedback and they would use it to learn how to even more offend, hurt and mistreat you! Don't expect any empathy from them (your partner however could tell his parents they have overstepped a boundary and set limits with them). Discussing the holidays  and other special occasions with the in-laws..., you decide what you do, you're adults and it is your family. If the in-laws are not respecting you as an equal adult never include them in any decision making (it's only asking for problems). Apart from that I don't see why they would have a say in it anyway. It is probably not a clever move either to ask them what you want from them, I would say that setting firm boundaries is the more appropriate thing to do.

I would like to add some to te above mentioned rights:

• You have the right to not answer questions you don't want to answer.
• You have the right to not explain yourself to the in-laws.
• You have the right to have privacy.
• You have the right to make our own decisions on whatever subject without including the in-laws
• You have the right to not have the in-laws complain about you to your spouse.
• You have the right to ask your partner to stand up for you with regard to the in-laws, they are his parents.

Please feel free to share your experiences, additions to the list, and insights in the comments section.

Highlight: Blog to read!

I've been reading many blogs the past few months and one of the best I came across is this one:

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/06/best-of-posts-on-narcissists-suck.html

If you're dealing with narcissists in your life, here's invaluable information, clearly written and lots of insight. Very, very good!! (Wish I would have come across this blog years ago). Reading this blog you will learn a lot on what exactly constitutes emotional abuse.

I wanted to share this resource with you.

Take care of yourself!

3.3 My history with the in-laws: marriage and babies...

I talked with my husband, before our son was born, about how I wanted us to go about visiting. I told him I didn't want anyone there the same day after giving birth or the next day, and no telling the MIL when we were going to the hospital. (In my worst nightmares I envisioned the MIL barging into the hospital or even the delivery room). I told him I wanted no one to visit us for at least the first week. To give us time to recover and rest and get to know and bond with our son. I needed to protect myself. I wanted some peace of mind and privacy. This didn't go well with my husband because he knew, as I did too, that the MIL would insist to come immediately (to take control). So unfortunately he didn't really want to agree on anything. Apparently this was too big a confrontation.

There were some complications when I gave birth to my son, resulting in a huge blood loss on my part, luckily our son was perfectly healthy and doing very well. My husband called his parents, his father was happy and burst into tears, his mother was in a foul mood. The only response the MIL gave was an angry: oh..., before she handed the phone to FIL. Unfortunately we had to stay in the hospital for the next two days and I had an iv to replace the blood loss. It took a long time before the bleeding stopped and I had a heart rate of over a 100 in rest and was unable to walk. I desperately wanted to go home, to be in my own home, the three of us together.  Fortunately the second day a nurse said to me, if you would be able to walk 5 steps today you could go home tomorrow. At the end of the afternoon I managed to do that, holding on to a chair, although I nearly fainted and got very nauseous. So the next day we went home! I was so happy to take our beautiful baby boy home! My husband had to carry me in our home, I couldn't walk, and even that was so exhausting that I was completely out of breath, my heart pounding in my ears.

Then, we were home and the terror began, his mother was frantically calling him, pressuring him they wanted to come immediately. I wanted her toxic presence nowhere near myself or our son, especially now I was so weakened. So I asked my husband to ask them to wait for a week (at least). She didn't take no for an answer. The next morning, very early, the door bell rang, my heart sunk. It could only be them as we had asked all our family and friends not to visit us because of the circumstances. They respected our wishes, were very happy for us having a healthy son and relieved I was recovering. And there they were, the in-laws, disrespecting us, showing up uninvited. I immediately told my husband I didn't want them to come in. I felt like a caged animal, lying in bed, afraid they would come in anyway and barge into our bedroom. However DH let them into the hallway and the nurse that was helping us, showed our son to them briefly and then my husband asked them to go.

Well all hell broke loose when the nurse went away for the day. His mother had been calling and calling again, telling my husband that they were extremely insulted they were not invited into our home. They would never ever come to visit us again. She demanded I would come to their house to say that I was sorry for my evil deed of not letting them in our house. My husband directed all his anger and frustration at me. He too thought that I was the problem, I should have given in. Now his parents were insulted and he would never see them again! The MIL kept pressuring him to come to their house with our son (I was not invited of course). DH really pressured me to let him go see his parents with our son, I refused. I wouldn't let her split us up, literally. She told him, in our family we do not handle things this way (while not at all respecting our boundaries or respecting her son to have his own family or loving him). She told him, your father doesn't respect you anymore (which hit him really really hard).

So DH didn't let them in but was very angry with me, instead of them. In fact all part of the normal dynamics of how he had been raised: You just don't refuse your mother anything, she can do as she pleases and opposing her is the ultimate betrayal. In the end we didn't see them for half a year. However, MIL was never in more frequent contact with DH. Guilt tripping him, playing the victim, bad-mouthing me... She was living her ultimate dream. He was sending her pictures of our son, hearing her out on all her complaints about me. I am a street fighter she told my husband, some women are just too proud to step down. DH delivered all her messages to me, instead of telling her to shut up. He even sent her a home video where I was really happy, singing and dancing with my baby son. I was so angry DH had given such an intimate private home video to his vile and hostile mother, it felt as a huge betrayal. He thought she was entitled to see pictures and movies of our son. Fairly soon after seeing the video the MIL started another campaign, she had read an article on mothers giving too much attention to their children, indulging them, being too positive, this way having a very bad influence on them, blah blah blah.... (what can I say...).

DH nearly begged her for them to come see his son. No she couldn't do that, she wanted to, but his father didn't want to come... (she never ever would let anyone stop her doing what she wants to, so this was a blatant lie). My husband however was deeply hurt by this perceived rejection of his father. His father had never rejected him in such a way. So this could only give the message to DH that he had screwed up beyond forgiveness. The spider in the web was happily controlling all communication. (I wonder oh I wonder what the MIL told his father).

This period in my life has been one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. I never have felt so lonely in my life, it put a terrible pressure on our relationship, it was a period of terrible emotional abuse. It made me feel desperate with no escape. We should have been left alone to enjoy the wonderful experience of having our son, to be able to bond as a new family and then share it with friends and family. To have some peace and rest. Instead the MIL instigated her ultimate power struggle, she didn't care about me, I didn't expect her to. She however also didn't respect or love her son at all, not once. She grabbed the opportunity to make him feel very guilty, to subjugate him. She couldn't even be happy for him at this time of his life. He had just become a father to his beautiful healthy son! He was so happy with his son and wanted to show him to his parents. She did not care, it was all about her. I think this period was a time of great glory and satisfaction for her. She was very much in control of her son's emotions. When I think back one word resonates with me: destruction.

3.2 My history with the in-laws: marriage and babies...

So now the in-laws knew we were expecting a baby...

I wanted us to get married because I wanted all legal things organised before our baby was born. The MIL in the meantime had started her anti-marriage campaign. She started stories about she and her husband being forced to marry when they were expecting their first child (as if they had no free will) and that we were so lucky nowadays that there was absolutely no reason for us to get married and that it would be so terribly old fashioned and ridiculous. In hindsight it is obvious that her biggest fear now was that we would get married.

Every time we saw them she gave me these vile glances which frightened me, while at the same time pretending to be such a caring grandmother-to-be to DH.

One day she called DH and told him, if J. wants to know anything about pregnancy, giving birth etc.., I'm very happy to explain her everything. (Yuck, yuck, yuck ?!?!). DH was very happy with this, in his mind, very endearing gesture of his mother. I thought it was mean, condescending and disgusting.

Another time we went there and she made a real show of some chocolate bonbons she had bought and was parading around on a small silver platter. 'Oh look what I've got here for the babies! The babies (SIL was pregnant too) have got to eat!'. She never once looked me in the eyes and then said, here, eat it, it is for the baby. It gave me a very eerie feeling and later it dawned on me that the covert message she wanted us to have is that she saw us as incubators.

She kept offering me coats because 'the baby needs to stay warm!'. I had a perfectly fit winter coat so there was no need to get another one. She didn't stop however. She offered me dressing gowns, cardigans, old things she found in the attic (and not at all appropriate to wear outdoors). The last time I saw her when I was pregnant she tried to give me a huge men's winter coat, with an enormous moulded patch on it, to replace my winter coat. I do not need a coat I said to her, she looked at me as if I bluntly refused a well-meant personal gift chosen with great care.

DH and I kept talking about marrying and he was very reluctant. He said , well why would we marry, blah blah, what is the need...? While there was an obvious legal need. When I got angry because we didn't have much time left to arrange everything for a wedding he told me that he and his brother had an agreement. In their teens his brother had made him promise that he would never marry, to protect 'the inheritance'. So he couldn't marry because he had this agreement with this brother... I was really bewildered. To cut a long story short, after a lot of hassle we married a month before my due date at the court house with two friends as our witnesses.

DH found it necessary to let them know we were getting married a few days before. He said he felt this was his obligation, I think he wanted their approval in some way. I was afraid she would find out where we would marry and would go there to cause havoc. Needless to say these added worries were not what I needed, my pregnancy had been extremely exhausting in its last months. A few days after the wedding I got a phone call from the MIL when DH was at work. The voice mail was scary (as if she was conducting an inquisition), she congratulated me, in a very cold tone, with my marriage to her son. She told me to call her to talk things through. I didn't do that. I was exhausted and didn't want to have anything to do with her. I had to protect myself the rest of my pregnancy.

(To be continued).