What to tell the children if there is no contact with the grandparents?

When there is no contact with the grandparents...


We went sort of no contact with the in-laws after the MIL ignored me completely during two visits last year. I say sort of because my husband doesn't want to see it this way. After her extremely rude behaviour to me, which resulted from my husband setting some simple boundaries with her, my husband called her and addressed her behaviour, she first excused it, then said that it was just the way she was and he needed to accept that and then hung up on him (start December). We agreed that my husband wouldn't call her back and that the ball was in her court now, she needed to apologise and make an effort to right the wrongs she had done. She never called, until the 3rd of January, FIL called my husband at his work and wished him a Happy New Year, then MIL sneaked on the phone, the conversation lasted 25 seconds. My husband was in tears when he told me of the phone call. They didn't address the situation, ignored everything and hung up. Now with my daughter's birthday approaching I expected trouble, and yes there it was, the MIL called last week to ask if they were allowed to send presents for our daughter, behaving very emotional, asking if we wouldn't leave the presents on the doorstep (boohoo...). My husband then said to her he needed to discuss this with me (in my opinion telling her that he was ok with it but he needed to ask me).  Ugh. Well I said to my husband, text her (we have a no-calling-the-MIL agreement) and tell her it is up to her, we are not going to be lured to say yes or no. My husband then said to me he had texted his father. Now more than a week later it comes out that he has texted his father that it was ok for them to send presents, that we won't leave them on the doorstep and that 'you can come and bring them'. So he even invites them! He told me that his father would understand he only invited him, well I doubt it. Then FIL emailed him that the present was mailed but that unfortunately due to being very busy with his work it was impossible to come (too busy...).  I was stupefied and felt really betrayed by my husband doing all this behind my back. Apparently he pretends to understand me for a while but when push comes to shove he falls for the same trick over and over again. He told me, well if they want to do something nice for the children, who am I to stop them... Giving way to the MIL to play her favourite game: divide and conquer. In my opinion telling her, it is ok for you to ignore my wife as long as you're nice to the children, you can even have access to them. So we had a nice few days after this discovery, I can tell you. Anyway I got it back together and the present will not be given to our daughter, still contemplating what to do with it. I think I will store it in the attic til I know, there's no rush.

I found the following excerpt, taken from an excellent article written by Renee Pittelli, which pretty much says how I feel about the whole situation:

http://www.luke173ministries.org/466829:
No “outsider” should be permitted the right or the power to intrude into a family unit of parents and children and cause any kind of conflict or conflicted loyalties, tension, confusion, disharmony, or upset. No one has “rights” to a child who isn’t theirs. Many abusers don’t really love the grandkids, but are simply using them to punish or get at their victim. If she truly wants her grandkids in her life, the abuser can always start by apologising to their mother for the abuse, and by treating her with love and respect from then on. The reality is that if you truly want a good relationship with someone else’s children, then you need to be prepared to also have a good relationship with their parents, and to do whatever it takes to relate to the child’s immediate family as a whole and in a positive manner.

I talked with a coach and he said (when I said I didn't want to be dishonest with my children about the whole situation), tell it to your children in an age-appropriate way that they won't be seeing grandparents anytime soon because they have been mean to mom and dad. Tell them, we don't allow people to treat us like this and we don't allow them in our house (or will be going there) until they apologise and show for a longer period of time that their behaviour has changed. So I have a pretty good idea of what to tell our children, and will keep it really simple. I only have to think about when to tell them (preferentially with my husband there but if he refuses I will do it on my own), I don't want anymore attention to the grandparents at the moment so I'll leave it for a while, there's no rush here either. If they ask about the grandparents, I'll tell them why.

3.3 My history with the in-laws: marriage and babies...

I talked with my husband, before our son was born, about how I wanted us to go about visiting. I told him I didn't want anyone there the same day after giving birth or the next day, and no telling the MIL when we were going to the hospital. (In my worst nightmares I envisioned the MIL barging into the hospital or even the delivery room). I told him I wanted no one to visit us for at least the first week. To give us time to recover and rest and get to know and bond with our son. I needed to protect myself. I wanted some peace of mind and privacy. This didn't go well with my husband because he knew, as I did too, that the MIL would insist to come immediately (to take control). So unfortunately he didn't really want to agree on anything. Apparently this was too big a confrontation.

There were some complications when I gave birth to my son, resulting in a huge blood loss on my part, luckily our son was perfectly healthy and doing very well. My husband called his parents, his father was happy and burst into tears, his mother was in a foul mood. The only response the MIL gave was an angry: oh..., before she handed the phone to FIL. Unfortunately we had to stay in the hospital for the next two days and I had an iv to replace the blood loss. It took a long time before the bleeding stopped and I had a heart rate of over a 100 in rest and was unable to walk. I desperately wanted to go home, to be in my own home, the three of us together.  Fortunately the second day a nurse said to me, if you would be able to walk 5 steps today you could go home tomorrow. At the end of the afternoon I managed to do that, holding on to a chair, although I nearly fainted and got very nauseous. So the next day we went home! I was so happy to take our beautiful baby boy home! My husband had to carry me in our home, I couldn't walk, and even that was so exhausting that I was completely out of breath, my heart pounding in my ears.

Then, we were home and the terror began, his mother was frantically calling him, pressuring him they wanted to come immediately. I wanted her toxic presence nowhere near myself or our son, especially now I was so weakened. So I asked my husband to ask them to wait for a week (at least). She didn't take no for an answer. The next morning, very early, the door bell rang, my heart sunk. It could only be them as we had asked all our family and friends not to visit us because of the circumstances. They respected our wishes, were very happy for us having a healthy son and relieved I was recovering. And there they were, the in-laws, disrespecting us, showing up uninvited. I immediately told my husband I didn't want them to come in. I felt like a caged animal, lying in bed, afraid they would come in anyway and barge into our bedroom. However DH let them into the hallway and the nurse that was helping us, showed our son to them briefly and then my husband asked them to go.

Well all hell broke loose when the nurse went away for the day. His mother had been calling and calling again, telling my husband that they were extremely insulted they were not invited into our home. They would never ever come to visit us again. She demanded I would come to their house to say that I was sorry for my evil deed of not letting them in our house. My husband directed all his anger and frustration at me. He too thought that I was the problem, I should have given in. Now his parents were insulted and he would never see them again! The MIL kept pressuring him to come to their house with our son (I was not invited of course). DH really pressured me to let him go see his parents with our son, I refused. I wouldn't let her split us up, literally. She told him, in our family we do not handle things this way (while not at all respecting our boundaries or respecting her son to have his own family or loving him). She told him, your father doesn't respect you anymore (which hit him really really hard).

So DH didn't let them in but was very angry with me, instead of them. In fact all part of the normal dynamics of how he had been raised: You just don't refuse your mother anything, she can do as she pleases and opposing her is the ultimate betrayal. In the end we didn't see them for half a year. However, MIL was never in more frequent contact with DH. Guilt tripping him, playing the victim, bad-mouthing me... She was living her ultimate dream. He was sending her pictures of our son, hearing her out on all her complaints about me. I am a street fighter she told my husband, some women are just too proud to step down. DH delivered all her messages to me, instead of telling her to shut up. He even sent her a home video where I was really happy, singing and dancing with my baby son. I was so angry DH had given such an intimate private home video to his vile and hostile mother, it felt as a huge betrayal. He thought she was entitled to see pictures and movies of our son. Fairly soon after seeing the video the MIL started another campaign, she had read an article on mothers giving too much attention to their children, indulging them, being too positive, this way having a very bad influence on them, blah blah blah.... (what can I say...).

DH nearly begged her for them to come see his son. No she couldn't do that, she wanted to, but his father didn't want to come... (she never ever would let anyone stop her doing what she wants to, so this was a blatant lie). My husband however was deeply hurt by this perceived rejection of his father. His father had never rejected him in such a way. So this could only give the message to DH that he had screwed up beyond forgiveness. The spider in the web was happily controlling all communication. (I wonder oh I wonder what the MIL told his father).

This period in my life has been one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. I never have felt so lonely in my life, it put a terrible pressure on our relationship, it was a period of terrible emotional abuse. It made me feel desperate with no escape. We should have been left alone to enjoy the wonderful experience of having our son, to be able to bond as a new family and then share it with friends and family. To have some peace and rest. Instead the MIL instigated her ultimate power struggle, she didn't care about me, I didn't expect her to. She however also didn't respect or love her son at all, not once. She grabbed the opportunity to make him feel very guilty, to subjugate him. She couldn't even be happy for him at this time of his life. He had just become a father to his beautiful healthy son! He was so happy with his son and wanted to show him to his parents. She did not care, it was all about her. I think this period was a time of great glory and satisfaction for her. She was very much in control of her son's emotions. When I think back one word resonates with me: destruction.

3.2 My history with the in-laws: marriage and babies...

So now the in-laws knew we were expecting a baby...

I wanted us to get married because I wanted all legal things organised before our baby was born. The MIL in the meantime had started her anti-marriage campaign. She started stories about she and her husband being forced to marry when they were expecting their first child (as if they had no free will) and that we were so lucky nowadays that there was absolutely no reason for us to get married and that it would be so terribly old fashioned and ridiculous. In hindsight it is obvious that her biggest fear now was that we would get married.

Every time we saw them she gave me these vile glances which frightened me, while at the same time pretending to be such a caring grandmother-to-be to DH.

One day she called DH and told him, if J. wants to know anything about pregnancy, giving birth etc.., I'm very happy to explain her everything. (Yuck, yuck, yuck ?!?!). DH was very happy with this, in his mind, very endearing gesture of his mother. I thought it was mean, condescending and disgusting.

Another time we went there and she made a real show of some chocolate bonbons she had bought and was parading around on a small silver platter. 'Oh look what I've got here for the babies! The babies (SIL was pregnant too) have got to eat!'. She never once looked me in the eyes and then said, here, eat it, it is for the baby. It gave me a very eerie feeling and later it dawned on me that the covert message she wanted us to have is that she saw us as incubators.

She kept offering me coats because 'the baby needs to stay warm!'. I had a perfectly fit winter coat so there was no need to get another one. She didn't stop however. She offered me dressing gowns, cardigans, old things she found in the attic (and not at all appropriate to wear outdoors). The last time I saw her when I was pregnant she tried to give me a huge men's winter coat, with an enormous moulded patch on it, to replace my winter coat. I do not need a coat I said to her, she looked at me as if I bluntly refused a well-meant personal gift chosen with great care.

DH and I kept talking about marrying and he was very reluctant. He said , well why would we marry, blah blah, what is the need...? While there was an obvious legal need. When I got angry because we didn't have much time left to arrange everything for a wedding he told me that he and his brother had an agreement. In their teens his brother had made him promise that he would never marry, to protect 'the inheritance'. So he couldn't marry because he had this agreement with this brother... I was really bewildered. To cut a long story short, after a lot of hassle we married a month before my due date at the court house with two friends as our witnesses.

DH found it necessary to let them know we were getting married a few days before. He said he felt this was his obligation, I think he wanted their approval in some way. I was afraid she would find out where we would marry and would go there to cause havoc. Needless to say these added worries were not what I needed, my pregnancy had been extremely exhausting in its last months. A few days after the wedding I got a phone call from the MIL when DH was at work. The voice mail was scary (as if she was conducting an inquisition), she congratulated me, in a very cold tone, with my marriage to her son. She told me to call her to talk things through. I didn't do that. I was exhausted and didn't want to have anything to do with her. I had to protect myself the rest of my pregnancy.

(To be continued).

3.1 My history with the in-laws: marriage and babies...

Fast-forward to about 5 years later. The MIL didn't like me but had stopped constantly battling me, at least for a few months... I think she had lulled herself to sleep for one moment and convinced herself that our relationship wouldn't last forever. (I will write about her evil ways during the period in between in a separate post).

We were together for about 7 years when we decided the time was right to have children, if possible for us. We had been talking about if for a year or two then I think. After a while I had a very strong feeling I was pregnant and started testing way too early, I was just too excited to know. The day I knew the pregnancy would be detectable I tested again. My hands were shaking uncontrollably when I checked the test strip and I immediately started crying for joy when I saw it was positive. I couldn't speak at first when I wanted to tell DH, and I was crying so hard, that he thought I had bad news, but I was pregnant! I was so happy and excited :-).

My husband almost immediately wanted to tell his parents. I didn't want to, mostly because I feared this wouldn't bring up the best in the MIL. I wanted to have some peace of mind for us. I wanted us to have time to adjust to the idea that we would have a baby and become parents, without any interference of her. Besides that we didn't know how the pregnancy would develop. We decided to wait for 3 months, mainly because I wanted that, my husband foresaw problems with his mother for not telling her immediately. (As if she was entitled to know it right away).

My pregnancy progressed well and we had the first ultrasound. It was so very touching and beautiful to see our little baby bouncing around. He was already a very busy little guy at only 12 weeks, full of life :-).

After 3 months my husband wanted to call his parents ( I would have rather brought them the news personally). The MIL was very surprised to hear I was already 3 months pregnant at the time they heard, that was the main message.

The first time we saw them, after they had heard the news, was at his brother's house. We were already there before them. My FIL immediately came up to me when they arrived, and congratulated me. He was visibly emotional and very happy and excited with the news. The MIL on the other hand lingered around my husband and didn't come to me. She acted real dramatic to him, 'oh how wonderful...., a baby!!!!', while sideways looking at me but making no effort to come up to me to congratulate me. She obviously wanted me to come to her, I didn't do it. After about 5 awkward minutes she finally came to me, throwing her arms up in the air as if she walked on a stage and was about the receive an Oscar, and then congratulated me but her sullen facial expression said something entirely different. She very well knew the others were all behind her and couldn't see her face.

After a while FIL, DH and his brother went downstairs to do something and my SIL went to the kitchen to prepare dinner and for a moment I was left with her alone. She looked very unhappy, and had a facial expression as if she had just attended a funeral. She started complaining to me about all sorts of (trivial) things that made her suffer (she's a real martyr). I felt a stone in my stomach looking at her. I felt all my energy disappear like snow before the sun. It felt like she wanted to suck all joy and happiness out of me. I escaped her presence by asking my SIL if I could help her.

When we sat down for dinner we showed them the ultrasound sonogram and the MIL held the sonogram above a candle to have a better view (?!?!). It is that I screamed otherwise it would have burnt. She then pulled the sonogram away from the candle and looked at me with this strange smile really savoring she had provoked me while at the same time acting like, 'oh silly me, I didn't realise it was a candle, does a sonogram really burn?'.

(To be continued).