Shifting from defensive power to non-defensive power

I heard a few times that I responded defensively which was logical since I was attacked but this was not leading to any improvement for myself or the situation I'm in. I knew I had to work on this and find a solution to overstep the defensiveness and communicate in another way without feeling I had to resort to one of the other inadequate ways of coping such as appeasing, ignoring, forgiving etc.. I also knew that it was really important for myself to set healthy boundaries, but the 'how to' was something I could really use some sound help with because I want it to be constructive and helpful for the long term.

When I searched for non-defensive communication I came across the website of Sharon Strand Ellison: Institute for Powerful Non-Defensive Communication Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

It was really interesting to read and I decided to order her book: 'Taking the war out of the words' (Table of contents). I'm really excited to start reading the book as soon as I receive it. From all the reviews I read and the information on the website it sounds as a really useful book with lots of examples. And I need examples!

In the meantime I have read the book and it is a great guide to non-defensive communication, if you find that you're defending yourself a lot when communicating with others and don't know how to break this cycle, here's you're guide!



Want to get an idea of the non-defensive communication style? In the following videos Sharon Ellison explains shifting from defensive power to non-defensive power:



Making powerful statements without having to convince anyone to agree:



Setting limits that work:



Check youtube for her other videos.

Stress and coping skills

The following can serve to identify any negative coping skills you are using to deal with stress. You can start dealing with stress in a more constructive positive way by replacing negative coping skills with positive coping skills and you can use this list to reference to in times when stress gets high to ensure you make your life better by doing good things for yourself. The text is adapted from Stress coping skills

Negative Coping Skills

• Alcohol (Drink to change your mood. Use alcohol as your friend)
• Denial (Pretend nothing is wrong. Lie. Ignore the problem)
• Drug Use (Abuse coffee/aspirin/medications.)
• Fault finding (Have a judgmental attitude. Complain. Criticize.)
• Illness (Develop headaches/nervous stomach/major illness. Become accident-prone.)
• Indulging (Stay up late, sleep in. Buy on impulse. Waste time.)
• Passivity (Hope it gets better. Procrastinate. Wait for lucky break)
• Revenge (Get even. Be sarcastic. Talk mean)
• Stubbornness (Be rigid. Demand your way. Refuse to be wrong.)
• Tantrums (Yell, mope, pout, swear. Drive recklessly)
• Food (Binging. Go on a diet. Use food to console yourself.)
• Smoking (Smoke to relieve tension.)
• Withdraw (Avoid the situation. Skip school or work. Keep feelings to self.)
• Worrying (Fret over things. Imagine the worse)

Positive Coping Skills

Diversions:

• Breathing (Breathing is the easiest to learn and provides the fastest results!)
• Getaways (Spend time alone. See a movie. Daydream.)
• Hobbies (Write. Paint. Remodel. Create something.)
• Learning (Take a class. Read. Join a club.)
• Music (Play a instrument. Sing. Listen to your stereo.)
• Play (play a game. Goof off. Go out with friends.)
• Work (Tackle a new project. Keep busy. Volunteer.)
• Laughing
• Hugs
• Pets 

Family:

• Balancing (Balance time at work and home. Accept the good and the bad.)
• Conflict Resolution (Look for win/win solutions.)
• Esteem Building ( Build good Family feelings. Focus on personal strengths.)
• Flexibility ( Take on a new Family roles. Stay open to change.)
• Networking (Developing friendships with other families. Make use of the community resources.)
• Togetherness (Take time to be together. Build family traditions. Express affection.)

Body:
Along with improving your ability to relax, you must assess diet and other strains on your body.

• Exercise (Pursue physical fitness, job, swim, dance, or walk. Aerobic exercise can reduce anxiety up to 50%)
• Good nutrition (a well balanced diet will improve your ability to appropriately respond to stress.)
• Sleep (Get an adequate amount of rest each night.)
• Caffeine (Reducing caffeine intake will help you manage your anxiety. 2 ½ cups of coffee doubles the epinephrine level).

Interpersonal:

• Affirmation (Believe in yourself. Trust others. Give compliments.)
• Assertiveness (State your needs and wants. Say "no" respectfully.)
• Contact (Make new friends. Touch. Really listen to others.)
• Limits (Accept other's boundaries. Drop some involvement.)
• Linking (Share problems with others. Ask for support from family and friends.)

Mental:

• Imagination (Look for the humor. Anticipate the future.)
• Life planning (set clear goals. Plan for the future.)
• Organizing (Take charge. Make order. Don't let things pile up.)
• Problem Solving (Solve it yourself. Seek outside help. Tackle problems.)
• Relabeling (Change perspectives. Look for good in a bad situation.)
• Time Management ( Focus on top priorities. Work smarter.)

Physical:

• Biofeedback (Listen to your body. Know your physical limitations.) 
• Exercise (Pursue physical fitness. Jog, swim, dance, or walk.)
• Nourishment (Eat for health. Limit the use alcohol.)
• Relaxation (Tense and relax each muscles. Take a warm bath. breath deeply.)
• Self-Care (Energize your work and play. Strive for self-improvement.)
• Stretching (take short stretch breaks through out your day.)

Spiritual:

• Commitment (Take up a worthy cause. Say "yes." Invest yourself meaningfully.
• Faith (Find purpose and meaning.) 
• Be grateful (Write down 5 things every day for which you are grateful).
• Surrender (Let go of problems. Learn to live with situations. Start meditating.)
• Valuing (Set priorities. Be consistent. Spend time and energy wisely).

The above are techniques that are reliable stress relievers without the negative side effects. These skills can be used over and over again for a variety of stressful situations.

When he's married to mom: mother-enmeshed men

In the meantime I decided to do some research again and came across a book I had read about before: 'When he's married to mom' by Kenneth M. Adams. Since the reviews were interesting I ordered the book. It was an interesting read, probably good to read it together with 'Toxic parents' by Susan Forward. The great thing about the book by Adams is that it specifically deals with the dynamics between a mother and son and addresses the problems that arise when the mother uses her son as an extension of herself and/or a surrogate husband, and when she views her son's girlfriend/wife as competition. When you feel your husband is married to his mother instead of you or has an unhealthy relationship with her, read this book, check the reviews on amazon to decide if this book would be helpful for you. I found the book Relationship Rescue very helpful as a guide to rebuilding my relationship with my husband, Dr Phil's says it's the husband who needs to manage his parents not the wife and vice versa. Taking a good honest look at yourself won't hurt either, build your strength from the inside out with guidance of Dr. Phil by reading and doing the exercises in his book Self Matters, this book has helped me gain many insights in where I was stuck myself and how I coud move forward.





By the way, at first being appalled by the title, after reading 'When he's married to mom' my husband thinks this is a great book. He said that there were some really interesting insights in this book. And I think it may have helped him finally setting boundaries with his mother.

While dealing with these difficult relationships, learn how to relax here: Helping yourself relax! Mindfulness and Poweryoga.

Subsequently I searched the internet for the term 'mother-enmeshed men' (used in the book) and found some really interesting texts that set off some bells ringing.

The following text is written by Oliver J.R. Cooper:
Mother-enmeshed men, what causes it

Mother Enmeshed Men: What Causes It?

When it comes to understanding what enmeshment is, it helps to look at what boundaries are. Boundaries are what create a sense of individuality between people. And although we are all physically separate, it does not mean that we are emotionally separate from another person. This becomes what is known as enmeshment, here one will look physically separate, but emotionally they will feel attached to the other person. One will feel that they have no boundaries between them and as a result that their not an individual.
So when it comes to mother enmeshed men, it is describing a man who is emotionally entangled to their mother. While it is true that they may live in a different house or a different part of the country; the emotional cord has not been cut.

A Choice

In a functional relationship with boundaries the emotional connection will be choice and what one has chosen. When it comes to an enmeshed relationship, it doesn’t feel that one has a choice and that they are enslaved to the other person. And for the mother enmeshed man it is a feeling of having no sense of self; other than an identity that is based on being attached to their mother.

Two Emotions

What this experience often creates is two powerful emotions, these are anger and guilt. On one side there is the anger at feeling as though one has to do what their mother says and can’t say no. And on the other side there is the guilt that is felt if one were to say no or was to think about saying no to the mother. This can create a feeling of being emotionally trapped; because based on these two options, it won’t lead to a sense of peace or empowerment. One can easily end up in a cycle of going through these two extremes time and time again. The anger can be amped up and turn to rage and may alternate between the two. And the guilt can also become shame and betrayal.

A Sense Of Self

By not being able to say no and to stand up for oneself, the man is caught between these two primary emotions. And this is largely due to the mother enmeshed man not knowing that he is a separate individual.
His mothers wants, needs and desires, are not seen as separate from him. Where he begins and ends and where his mother begins and ends: is unclear to him. This then leads to him feeling responsible to his mother.

Responsible
How his mothers feels is then his responsibility and something he needs to take care off. Her wellbeing is something that he has to look after. And what this also means is that his wellbeing and his own needs, wants and desires are often denied and ignored. So being responsible for himself is then overlooked and his boundaries will end up being constantly crossed. And as a result of extending himself for his mother, a natural consequence is being exhausted.

Love

On the surface this sounds completely dysfunctional and doesn’t make any logical sense. And one of the biggest reasons that this behaviour is occurring is due the mothers enmeshed mans association of what love is. To his unconscious mind, this is what love means to him.

Familiar

At a conscious level it is only creating: pain, struggle, conflict and suffering. But to the ego mind this is being associated as familiar and therefore what is safe. The reason it is familiar is due to it being how their mother treated them as a child. As a result of those early experiences being played out thousands of times, it is no wonder that its affect is so strong on a fully grown man.

Childhood

In a functional upbringing a child would be recognised as a separate individual; with their own needs, wants and preferences for example. For this to happen, the caregiver would have to have good boundaries themselves and to see that it is not down to the child to take care of their needs. However, if the caregiver is unaware of the child being separate, as a result of having no boundaries themselves, it will be more of less impossible to treat the child as a separate being. And by the caregiver being needy and emotionally undeveloped the child will be used for this purpose. The way that the caregiver acts, is more than likely how they were brought up. And as a result of not being aware; are playing out the same pattern.

Role Reversal

So what this leads to is the roles being reversed. Instead of the mother taking care of the child's development, the child ends up taking care of the mothers unmet needs. The process of separating then doesn’t happen and instead of boundaries being formed, enmeshment is what remains. Part of the reason for this process is often down to having a father that is either physically or emotionally absent.

Undeserved Loyalty

What this early conditioning creates is an undeserved loyalty to the mother. As the ego mind associates the whole experience as being what love is, it creates a kind of compulsive need to please the mother.
In reality the mother used the child for her own benefit and only harmed the child's development. And because the separation didn’t occur all those years ago, ones ego can associate separating as being equal to death. This means that overwhelming fear can be triggered were one to separate: with feelings of emptiness, abandonment and rejection surfacing.

Consequences

There are many consequences that can be created from this early dynamic. Having problems with boundaries has already been mentioned. Experiencing a sense of self control will also be very difficult. Another likely issue here is with intimate relationships. Through still being emotionally connected to ones mother it can be a real challenge to let in another woman. This is because ones mother is still number one and were one to go with another women there may be feelings of betrayal and guilt that arise. Here one may go for women who they are not completely attracted to, so that they won’t have to emotionally leave their mother. And these feelings are not rational; they are based on the ego minds dysfunctional associations. There can be a tendency to attract women that are similar and this means that one will re-enact the same role. And therefore end up creating the same internal experiences. It can just as easily create a fear of intimacy; with ones ego mind associating intimacy to mean being smothered and overwhelmed. As this was how it was with their mother. The unprocessed wounds can also be projected onto others. Due to only being loved through what they did and not for who they were, it is inevitable that one’s self worth is going to be affected. And based on what one does for others and not for who one is. One may also feel completely cut off from their inner world. And generally unaware of what their thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations are. Along with this could be a disconnection to ones: needs, wants and desires. This could then result in a feeling of having no personal power.

Awareness

This article has covered the basic dynamics of enmeshment and some of the consequences. To the degree that one has been affected by this, will define what actions need to be taken. The first thing is to be aware that such a challenge exists. To deny the existence of something will not change it and can lead to it getting worse. In recent years awareness has increased around this area and this has lead to more progress being made. This is not only limited to men and can affect women in similar ways.
Reading a book and going over what they suggest may be enough for some men and for others it may require some serious therapy. What matters is that something is done to put an end to this dysfunctional attachment.

Another great article can be found here:

Mogul mothers, suppressed sons ©2010 H. Hiatt/wildninja.wordpress.com

Thank you Albert :-)

"Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction." 

Albert Einstein

What to tell the children if there is no contact with the grandparents?

When there is no contact with the grandparents...


We went sort of no contact with the in-laws after the MIL ignored me completely during two visits last year. I say sort of because my husband doesn't want to see it this way. After her extremely rude behaviour to me, which resulted from my husband setting some simple boundaries with her, my husband called her and addressed her behaviour, she first excused it, then said that it was just the way she was and he needed to accept that and then hung up on him (start December). We agreed that my husband wouldn't call her back and that the ball was in her court now, she needed to apologise and make an effort to right the wrongs she had done. She never called, until the 3rd of January, FIL called my husband at his work and wished him a Happy New Year, then MIL sneaked on the phone, the conversation lasted 25 seconds. My husband was in tears when he told me of the phone call. They didn't address the situation, ignored everything and hung up. Now with my daughter's birthday approaching I expected trouble, and yes there it was, the MIL called last week to ask if they were allowed to send presents for our daughter, behaving very emotional, asking if we wouldn't leave the presents on the doorstep (boohoo...). My husband then said to her he needed to discuss this with me (in my opinion telling her that he was ok with it but he needed to ask me).  Ugh. Well I said to my husband, text her (we have a no-calling-the-MIL agreement) and tell her it is up to her, we are not going to be lured to say yes or no. My husband then said to me he had texted his father. Now more than a week later it comes out that he has texted his father that it was ok for them to send presents, that we won't leave them on the doorstep and that 'you can come and bring them'. So he even invites them! He told me that his father would understand he only invited him, well I doubt it. Then FIL emailed him that the present was mailed but that unfortunately due to being very busy with his work it was impossible to come (too busy...).  I was stupefied and felt really betrayed by my husband doing all this behind my back. Apparently he pretends to understand me for a while but when push comes to shove he falls for the same trick over and over again. He told me, well if they want to do something nice for the children, who am I to stop them... Giving way to the MIL to play her favourite game: divide and conquer. In my opinion telling her, it is ok for you to ignore my wife as long as you're nice to the children, you can even have access to them. So we had a nice few days after this discovery, I can tell you. Anyway I got it back together and the present will not be given to our daughter, still contemplating what to do with it. I think I will store it in the attic til I know, there's no rush.

I found the following excerpt, taken from an excellent article written by Renee Pittelli, which pretty much says how I feel about the whole situation:

http://www.luke173ministries.org/466829:
No “outsider” should be permitted the right or the power to intrude into a family unit of parents and children and cause any kind of conflict or conflicted loyalties, tension, confusion, disharmony, or upset. No one has “rights” to a child who isn’t theirs. Many abusers don’t really love the grandkids, but are simply using them to punish or get at their victim. If she truly wants her grandkids in her life, the abuser can always start by apologising to their mother for the abuse, and by treating her with love and respect from then on. The reality is that if you truly want a good relationship with someone else’s children, then you need to be prepared to also have a good relationship with their parents, and to do whatever it takes to relate to the child’s immediate family as a whole and in a positive manner.

I talked with a coach and he said (when I said I didn't want to be dishonest with my children about the whole situation), tell it to your children in an age-appropriate way that they won't be seeing grandparents anytime soon because they have been mean to mom and dad. Tell them, we don't allow people to treat us like this and we don't allow them in our house (or will be going there) until they apologise and show for a longer period of time that their behaviour has changed. So I have a pretty good idea of what to tell our children, and will keep it really simple. I only have to think about when to tell them (preferentially with my husband there but if he refuses I will do it on my own), I don't want anymore attention to the grandparents at the moment so I'll leave it for a while, there's no rush here either. If they ask about the grandparents, I'll tell them why.

Emotional abuse

I found the following informative post on emotional abusive relationships, this might be helpful to anyone dealing with abusive in-laws and their impact on your spouse and your relationship or just as a general resource on what constitutes emotional abuse. Educate and help yourself :-)!

(found here: http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168 © 2007 by the Board of Trustees of the University of Illinois.)

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10).

Types of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing.

Aggressing

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships.

Denying

Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ etc.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.”
Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of themselves and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from their own.

Minimizing

Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Understanding Abusive Relationships

No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints, and validate your own feelings and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even comfortable to you, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically, abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings and self-perceptions.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, especially those with family members and other significant people, is a first step toward change. A lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways. For example, you may act as an “abuser” in some instances and as a “recipient” in others. You may find that you tend to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you. In friendships, however, you may play the role of abuser by withholding, manipulating, trying to “help” others, etc. Knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life.
Are You Abusive to Yourself?

Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as “I’m stupid” or “I never do anything right” dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

Basic Rights in a Relationship

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:

• The right to good will from the other.
• The right to emotional support.
• The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
• The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
• The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
• The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
• The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
• The right to live free from accusation and blame.
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
• The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
• The right to encouragement.
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
• The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
• The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

What can you do?

If you recognize yourself or your relationships, you may wish to: Educate yourself about emotionally abusive relationships. 

Two excellent resources include:

• Engel, Beverly, M.F.C.C. The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992.
• Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Holbrook, Massachusetts: Bob Adams, Inc., 1992.

Consider seeing a mental health professional. A counselor can help you understand the impact of an emotionally abusive relationship. A counselor can also help you learn healthier ways of relating to others and caring for your own needs.

Response of a bully when held accountable

When your mother in-law (or father in-law) is a bully/ narcissist/ nasty person you're likely to spot the following behaviour:

(written by Tim Field, http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm)

When called to account for the way they have chosen to behave, the bully instinctively exhibits this recognisable behavioural response:


a) Denial: the bully denies everything. Variations include Trivialization ("This is so trivial it's not worth talking about...") and the Fresh Start tactic ("I don't know why you're so intent on dwelling on the past" and "Look, what's past is past, I'll overlook your behaviour and we'll start afresh") - this is an abdication of responsibility by the bully and an attempt to divert and distract attention by using false conciliation. Imagine if this line of defence were available to all criminals ("Look I know I've just murdered 12 people but that's all in the past, we can't change the past, let's put it behind us, concentrate on the future so we can all get on with our lives" - this would do wonders for prison overcrowding).

b) Retaliation: the bully counterattacks. The bully quickly and seamlessly follows the denial with an aggressive counter-attack of counter-criticism or counter-allegation, often based on distortion or fabrication. Lying, deception, duplicity, hypocrisy and blame are the hallmarks of this stage. The purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for their behaviour. Often the target is tempted - or coerced - into giving another long explanation to prove the bully's allegation false; by the time the explanation is complete, everybody has forgotten the original question.

Both a) and b) are delivered with aggression in the guise of assertiveness; in fact there is no assertiveness (which is about recognising and respecting the rights of oneself and others) at all. Note that explanation - of the original question - is conspicuous by its absence.

c) Feigning victimhood: in the unlikely event of denial and counter-attack being insufficient, the bully feigns victimhood or feigns persecution by manipulating people through their emotions, especially guilt. This commonly takes the form of bursting into tears, which most people cannot handle. Variations include indulgent self-pity, feigning indignation, pretending to be "devastated", claiming they're the one being bullied or harassed, claiming to be "deeply offended", melodrama, martyrdom ("If it wasn't for me...") and a poor-me drama ("You don't know how hard it is for me ... blah blah blah ..." and "I'm the one who always has to...", "You think you're having a hard time ...", "I'm the one being bullied..."). Other tactics include manipulating people's perceptions to portray themselves as the injured party and the target as the villain of the piece. Or presenting as a false victim. Sometimes the bully will suddenly claim to be suffering "stress" and go off on long-term sick leave, although no-one can quite establish why. Alleged ill-health can also be a useful vehicle for gaining attention and sympathy. For suggestions on how to counter this see the advice on the FAQ page.

By using this response, the bully is able to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for what they have said or done. It is a pattern of behaviour learnt by about the age of 3; most children learn or are taught to grow out of this, but some are not and by adulthood, this avoidance technique has been practised to perfection.

A further advantage of the denial/counter-attack/feigning victimhood strategy is that it acts as a provocation. The target, who may have taken months to reach this stage, sees their tormentor getting away with it and is provoked into an angry and emotional outburst after which the bully says simply "There, I told you s/he was like that". Anger is one of the mechanisms by which bullies (and all abusers) control their targets. By tapping in to and obtaining an inappropriate release of pent-up anger the bully plays their master stroke and casts their victim as villain.

Some books with tips on how to deal with bullies: